That SO didn't work

Apparently, giving me carte blanch to eat what I want for a week and avoid exercise without self-censure is like giving an alcoholic the freedom to binge one night and then expect him not to drink again.  SO didn't work out well.  I haven't exercised one iota in two weeks now.  I have been eating tons of calories, not curbing myself in any way.  Most mornings my intentions are good when I start out, documenting my breakfast calories and donning my bodybugg, but they have tended to fly out the window by midday, if not sooner.  I haven't been this far off the rails in over a year. 

So, I decided to shock myself back into it by getting a new gym membership and taking advantage of a free session with a personal trainer.  If a one-hour workout with a professional trainer doesn't get me back into moving my bootie, nothing will. 

I had actually been looking into joining an exercise class, either Pilates or Zumba, because I do well in that environment.  I'm competitive enough that I don't slack off in class.  But the classes offered around here are ridiculously expensive, in my opinion.  The cheapest I found was $12 per session.  If I wanted to go twice a week, that's $24 a week!  Nearly a hundred dollars a month!  Just for two classes a week.  Crazy, right?  I thought so anyway.

So I looked into gyms and narrowed it down to LA Fitness.  The name put me off initially, but it's the closest gym to me and it offers the most classes (60 per week!) and when I checked it out it wasn't over crowded like the other gyms I've been to in the area.  They have more facilities in the area, which I figured is to my benefit, right?  Anyway, so I went last night and it really wasn't too busy, although I expect it was less crowded due to the holidays and it will get WAY more crowded in January but then slow down again after that.  I love the choice of classes, though. And the best part is it cost me nothing to sign up and I'm only paying $34 per month.  Yay me :)

So, I've logged my breakfast (oatmeal) and I'm ready to be a part of the diet game again.  I refuse to allow myself to remain off the rails.  I'm just lucky I haven't gained more weight (2 pounds).  Actually I'm AMAZED I haven't gained more weight, although I assume some of the weight I didn't lose was muscle turning into fat.  :/

Hope everyone else is faring better this holiday season!

Post Holiday

I'm both sad and glad the holidays are over.  Well, there's still New Year's but since we never go to any parties or celebrate the evening before, it is just an extra day off from work for me. 

I have to admit, I have been totally off plan for the past week.  I didn't even attempt to count calories and I didn't exercise once.  That's very rare, for me to go so long without exercising.  I just decided, at the beginning of the week, that I would take a week off.  I wouldn't worry about what I ate or how much I ate or how many calories I burned.  I wanted a break from the constant worrying and failures and feeling deprived.  It was nice not to have to think about every bite I ate.  It was a good break.

However, I only gave myself until Christmas day to enjoy the time off from dieting.  Today I'm supposed to be back on plan.  I started the morning by making a good breakfast choice (oatmeal) and entering my calories on Sparkpeople.  Hubby's xmas gift to me was a new watch for my Bodybugg so I can monitor my calorie burn to ensure I end up under that number by the end of the day.  I'll make sure I exercise today and watch what I eat. 

Totally Crap Weekend

Not sure what my problem was, but I was moody this weekend.  Saturday was okay but then I decided I wanted to repaint the kitchen to make it brighter.  Started working on it Saturday evening and quickly realized two things:  1. The paint was TOO bright, more like neon; 2. It was taking several coats to cover the orangish peach paint that was already on there, which meant I probably wasn't going to be done with the project before Christmas.  The hubby and I got into a fight.  Then I couldn't sleep and was up until 4 am when I finally took two Tylenol PM's and proceeded to sleep until 4 pm on Sunday.  Yep, I slept all through Sunday until 4 pm.  Woke feeling gross and not wanting to do anything.  Tried to rally and asked hubby if he wanted to go out, which he did, and booked us a table at an expensive restaurant.  I didn't want expensive restaurant; it's never worth the expense and we're on a tight budget.  He could tell I wasn't pleased with his choice but I didn't want to openly dismiss his efforts.  He knew, though, cuz I'm bad at hiding my feelings and we'd only just left the house when he turned around and drove back.  Once we got home, he called and cancelled the reservations and expressed his frustration that he feels like he can never do anything right.  After talking for a few minutes, he decided we should go elsewhere and we ended up at Sizzler, which is good for my budget.  I ate WAY too much; I mean, way, way, way too much.  It was like I was intent on totally undoing all the efforts of the previous week.  Which I may have been, because I can be self-destructive like that.  Or maybe I was rebelling against the week of denying myself and feeling hungry.  Whatever the reason, I ate my weight in fattening foods.  Came home and drank my weight in margaritas.  We did manage to have a few moments of intimacy that was good for us because it's so rare anymore, but otherwise we did our own thing and I fell into a drunken sleep at 2 am.  Woke this morning at the same weight I'd been before last week, with a headache and a distinct dislike of the morning.  The house is a wreck, laundry piled up, tons of work to be done, and a very partially painted kitchen with the doors off. 

6 Days

That's how many consecutive days I managed to keep a deficit.  Yesterday I ate over 1900 calories.  I'm trying not to be too disappointed with myself because I've done well and I don't want to start another downward spiral.  Just accept it and move on.  Today is another day.  All that.

Don't know what we're going to do today, though.  It's rainy and miserable outside.  I have no spending money at the moment and hubby is working today.  The kids and I are rather tired of being in the house after the past week, so we want to go out and do something, just don't know what.

Update

Another good day.  I ate 1369 calories and walked/jogged 2.2 miles.  I was actually hoping to keep my calories at 1200 today, but as long as it's under 1400, I'm happy.  My weight loss will be slower, but compared to the 1800 to 2500 calories I was regularly eating, anything under 1400 is excellent.  And I'm still exercising most days.  (I didn't yesterday because I was feeling lazy, but I have to allow myself an occasional day off.)

I finally found hubby's xmas present tonight, so I'm happy about that.  Everyone is done!  I finished making my mom's scarf yesterday.  I just need to wrap it.  Everyone else's presents are wrapped.

The kids are officially done with school until next year.  I actually prefer them being home.  I like to know what they're doing.  And I don't have to get up at 6:15 :)  Or worry about homework and getting to bed on time, etc. etc. 

I've done really well with my work hours.  Just need to get through tomorrow and then the weekend will be a welcome relief.  Have set up to meet a woman on Monday to walk with and one on Tuesday morning to walk with.  Also possibly to meet at a 24 hour fitness with another woman, but I haven't heard from her for a couple days so maybe she's changed her mind.  No matter. 

Winning Streak

I'm still on my winning streak of staying on target for my weight loss.  Yesterday I closed the day out at 1330 calories and had walked and done Pilates.  Today I've eated about 630 calories thus far and dinner is 520 calories, leaving me 100 or 200 calories for a snack if I need it.  I haven't walked yet because I've been working and had to help my mom out earlier, but I will definitely be getting on the treadmill later.  I didn't get a chance to do some active outside because it's been rainy, but I'll do that tomorrow if the weather allows for it.  At least I got out of the house, though, when I helped my mom out.  It's essential I get out of the house for even a few minutes every day for my mental wellbeing.

I feel pretty content at the moment, with having had a good few days of sticking to my diet; the house is clean and the smell of dinner cooking; my workday nearly over and a quiet evening to look forward to, finishing my mom's xmas present (a knitted scarf) while listening to a new book on my iPod.  I finished wrapping presents last night, so that job is done.  Can't really complain about anything at the moment.  I may even get some writing done tonight on my book.

Day 4

of being on target.  I've calculated out my calories down to my last snack of the night to 1350 calories.  My goal for exercise is to do Pilates while watching BL.  I hurt my knee today, so no walking.  Just floor exercises.  But it's good for my back so that's okay.  I'm so happy with myself for managing to stay in my calorie target for four days in a row!  Well, today isn't over, but I'm actually not worried.  I've proven that I can do it over the last few days and I'm DETERMINED!  More determined than I've felt in a long time.  I don't know what triggered it, but I'm riding that wave.

Last week I put in an ad through Craigslist for a weight loss/workout/motivation partner.  I've had a few hits that I immediately discounted (weird responses and guys) but two sounds very promising.  I'm in the midst of arranging date/time to meet them through email.  In a public place, of course :).  It's very cool.  Not only will it be good to have someone to work out with and help keep me going, but I don't have any friends left from childhood and having moved so much in the last few years I've lost contact with any other acquaintances I've had.  Working from home, I have no contact with people.  So, except for hubby and family, I don't talk to or socialize with anyone.  So, having the opportunity to talk to someone not family will be great!  Unless I don't like them, of course :/

Work has  been going well, too, for the most part.  Going well in that I'm working my full hours.  Not so well with actually getting caught up with my work, though.

Hitting My Pins

I'm happy to report that I have been hitting most of my pins for the last few days.  The only one I'm really still struggling with is getting up earlier in the morning.  However, I've been doing well with everything else.  I've been meal planning and eating my plan.  I've been exercising and doing an activity outside every day.  I've been working and keeping the house clean.  I've also been writing in my journal everyday.  Today I've eaten 740 calories thus far and my dinner is 300 calories. 

I've worked out a money plan that should greatly reduce our financial stress.

I'm getting along well with hubby at the moment.  He's being very easy to be around at the moment.  It almost makes me nervous because he should be mad at me, but he's not.

See, on Friday I went with my sister to the store and, being the bad wife that I am, I was having a vent-fest about him on the drive over.  About fifteen minutes later, hubby calls me and says I should check that my last call had disconnected before bitching someone out.  Apparently, after I had talked to hubby just before leaving with my sister, I hadn't hung up the phone all the way and rather than hanging up himself, he chose to listen to what my sister and I talked about.  And didn't like what he had learned, of course.  I was angry with him for listening to a private conversation, but more concerned with having hurt his feelings.  He was very understanding; taking full responsibility for having listened in when he should have.  Still, I promised not to vent about him to my sister anymore because it really isn't very fair or nice of me.  And I'm sticking to that promise.  As difficult as hubby can be, I do love him and should cherish him rather than just complaining about him.

Recovered

I've recovered my committment.  It wasn't a lost cause.  Yesterday and today I've done very well with my eating and exercise.  I ate 1000 calories yesterday and 1100 calories today.  I still have a few hours to get through, but I feel confident I will do well tonight.  I feel in control again.  I walked/jogged 4 miles yesterday and walked 1 mile today.  I also spent the better part of the morning mowing the yard and trimming the bushes, which was no easy job and then this evening I spent a few hours completely cleaning the house and doing laundry.  We're ready for the week!  I intend to get up fairly early tomorrow to get a walk and/or jog in.  I'm definitely physically tired.

This evening I'm going to work a little on my book and then read in bed.  I'm going to brush my teeth soon so I won't be tempted to eat anymore. 

Not looking forward to tomorrow much, but needs must.  I'll be very busy since I didn't work much last week. 

Confession Time

I haven't wanted to blog for one simple reason:  I have totally IGNORED my public committment to getting serious about my weight loss.  I have almost done the opposite! I haven't exercised in three days, or logged my food or even really made any effort to choose my foods wisely.  I've been eating fast food, junk food, sodas, brownies, ugh!  And of course my weight is back up to 136 this morning.  Craziness!  I have the opportunity to turn it around right now.  I don't have to wait until Monday or until I feel better or until I have a perfect day.  I can just decide here and now to do better.  Not expect perfection, but just do better.  Like eat some veggies and exercise today.  Drink some water.  Think about what I really want - food or to feel better? 

Committment

Following my really good weigh-in, I've had two days of overeating again.  Not binging (that's progress!) but still eating more than I'm burning.  I'm exercising but not enough to balance the eating.  So, I'm making a public committment to my cause here.  I know I can do this, I've done it before.  I have been losing and regaining the same few pounds for 6 months now.  This is ridiculous.  It's not that hard, I just need the mindset to do it.  So, no more excuses, no more justification, no more whining about how hard it is or how unhappy I am.  Just freakin do it!  I'm logging my food (good!), exercising every day (excellent!) and now I'm going to actually stick to my calorie limit, which is 1400 calories per day.  NOT exactly starving myself, right?  That's 1400 calories in, 2100 calories out, for a pound loss per week.  NOT hard!  Just gotta keep my head in the game.  I'm making a committment to do it right here, right now. 

I also want to get more serious about my running.  I was watching the BL last night and my least fav contenstant, Elizabeth, ran a marathon!  Her time wasn't great, but she still did it.  She's still quite heavy and not the strongest person in the world, so if she can do that then I can certainly run longer than 2 miles. 

So, I'm also making a committment to get up in the morning and go for a run.  Or run in the evening if hubby isn't around in the morning.  Whatever it takes, run my little legs off.  I've always wanted to run a marathon, so why not start training for one?  What am I waiting for?  I'm always talking about wanting to do things but not doing them and then feeling like a loser.  I'm controlling all that.  I can make the changes. 

So everyday I'll post my calories in, calories out, and miles run.  That's my public committment.

Excellent Weigh-In

Last week was a horrible weigh-in at 136.  This morning, I weighed in at 132.2.  Very pleased.  Very happy with myself, too, because looking back at my food log I haven't had a binge in over a week.  And I logged all my food every day the past seven days.  I didn't have a deficit every day, but on the days I had a surplus it wasn't much of one and I had more deficit days than surplus. 

I took a sick day from work today to work on my book.  I started rewriting a book I had written in 1999 Thanksgiving weekend and had already written 28,000 words as of this morning.  I've been making good progress so far today.  It's going really well.  I'm hoping to get to 40,000 words by the end of today.

Yesterday morning I got up first thing and jogged.  Today I had planned on jogging but I think instead I will play my Wii workouts.  Maybe Zumba and Biggest Loser.  Doing pretty well with my calories so far.  Just gotta stay busy and keep my head in the game.  Not looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow; but needs must.  Bad enough I took today off.  Luckily, hubby has been working a lot lately.  And I AM working, actually, just not doing something with an immediate payoff. 

Anyway, back to writing...

Deficit!

I've had two consecutive days of having a deficit! I'm very happy with myself for that.  I also went out last night and bought the Zumba game for my Wii.  I've been wanting to put some variety back into my exercise routine, but the classes are overcrowded and expensive here.  I really don't want to pay for a gym membership at the moment, either.  I've been reading about the Zumba game and, even though it's nearly Christmas and I probably shouldn't be buying myself anything, I went out and got the game anyway.  I'm glad I did! It was fun and a good workout.  And since I can do it anytime, I should have no problem getting in the time on it. 

This morning I'm intending to jog before I shower and get ready to go to my parents' to help put up Christmas lights.  I really want to keep my calorie burn up.  I've been hitting my target for a few days now and I want to keep that up.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me for some reason.  I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed.  I just didn't feel like there was anything worth getting up for.  Eventually I had to get up, but I was not feeling happy.  When hubby got home from work I instigated an argument from him.  I called him fat and lazy, although not in so many words of course.  I'm sure I was projecting, although he IS fat at the moment.  And he doesn't ever want to do anything because of his weight.  But, I learned years ago not to wait for him to do things; to only rely on myself for company.

So, I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and accomplishing little.  I finally got over myself in the early evening and got some stuff done around the house.  Then I decided to get the Wii game. 

I haven't been able to get on any medication for my depression as I had intended because my insurance denied me treatment with mental health through the clinic where my primary is.  I can't get in to see my primary until March.  So, either I go to urgent care and try to get medication that way or I wait until March.  Most days, I think I can handle my depression by just exercising and trying to get outside and trying to think positively.  Yesterday I thought I really needed medication.  There are some definite drawbacks to the medication.  I'm not sure what I want to do, so I'm waiting until March when I can talk to my primary.

On a very positive note, I've not had a binge! I'm very, very, very happy for that.  I even wondered yesterday if part of why I was struggling so much was because I haven't been binging and therefore the feelings got bottled up.  I'm not sure if that's really what was happening, but I'd rather that than a binge.

Broke Even

Yesterday was a break even day.  I made my plan and stuck with it...until last night.  I didn't eat a LOT but I did push my calories in to 1700.  And although I worked out, apparently not enough because I only burned 1700.  Better than a gain.  Still, I don't know why I find it so difficult not to eat at night!  I stuck to my plan (had my dinner planned out and added to my calorie counter, went out for fresh air earlier in the day, exercised that night and even cleaned the house).  I wasn't really hungry, just wanting to eat.  Fortunately I only ate 350 calories worth, but still not great. 

Well, today is a new day.  And I still haven't all-out binged, so that's something.  And I'm working out most days, so that's something too.

I get the day off work today, yay.  Kinda, I will have to do a couple things later just cuz they need doing, but it won't take me long.  My dad and I are going shopping for my mother's xmas presents from him.  He wants to get her some clothes because she lost a lot of weight last year and really hasn't replaced her replaced her wardrobe.  She's constantly wearing clothes several sizes too big.

Finding clothes that should fit her might not be easy, though.  She is very petite in stature like me so she only weighs about 95 pounds.  Forget getting clothes that fit in length (don't even bother!) but she wears a 1 and swears she can never find the size.  I begged to differ because my daughter wore a 1 for a couple years and she never had trouble finding clothes in her size.  Course, that may be because she was shopping in the junior sections.  I'm sure we'll find something, though.

Not much else going on this weekend.  Just going to enjoy my (mostly) day off.  Get some writing done.  I'm 50 pages into my book!  Very excited since I only started last weekend.

The good news...

it wasn't a binge.  The bad news is I drank 700 calories tonight.  Annoying because I'd done well for a few days and I really wanted to get down from my last weigh-in.  But, still, it wasn't a binge.  And I had two days of having a calorie deficit.  Not enough for even a pound (850 calories to be precise) but a deficit!  Today was a surplus.  Not only did I drink more than a meal's worth in drinks (egg nog and brandy to be precise) but I didn't exercise.  Ah well.  Not a binge!!  Gotta focus on the positive.

Yesterday I had an excellent workout.  I was jogging/walking and got near the 5k mark, which is my goal usually, and I wanted to get in under 50 minutes, but was running out of the time, so I upped my pace until I was flat-out running.  I held the run for several minutes.  It felt great!  I couldn't believe I was able to run for so long.  Not jog, actual run.  I was absolutely soaked with sweat and my legs were shaky by the time I was done, but I felt incredible.  Sometimes I amaze myself with how far I've come with my aerobic fitness.  I may have lost some of the strength in my arms and my abdominals, but I definitely haven't backtracked with my aerobic ability.  Despite not having walked or jogged today, I've done over ten miles this week.  And I will definitely get on the treadmill tomorrow.  Its also my day for some strength training. I did some yesterday after my run and it is my plan to do so every other day until I regain my fitness from a few months ago.  Particularly with regard to my abdominals because my back has been really achey the last couple months.

In other news, I am completely done christmas shopping for the kids and, as of tonight, I'm done wrapping presents for them!!  I can't believe it's only the first and I've completely finished shopping and wrapping and filling their stockings.  Actually, I just burst my own bubble because I've just remembered I have a couple more packages coming in the mail.  Dang!  But, still, the majority is wrapped AND I'm done shopping for them.  All I still have to buy for is my dad and my husband.  I know what I'm getting my dad and I have no idea what to get my husband.  He tends to buy things when he wants them so he doesn't exactly have a wish list.

Much Better

Yesterday went well.  I stayed under my calories, exercised, got my work done, did some house cleaning and felt in control.  I wish every day could be like that.  I jogged/walked to my parents', which was good to get some fresh air, then walked on the treadmill while watching a movie.  It was an uplifting movie, which I think is important too. 

Today has been good so far.  Started the morning with a bowl of oatmeal.  In a little bit, I'm going to take a break from work and jog on the treadmill.  This evening, I'll take the kids for some fresh air outside.

Scale is still up, of course.  If only it went down as quickly as it goes up.  I'm just taking things one day at a time.  Three things I really need to try to do, every day: 

1.  Get outside - I work from home so it's easy to never leave the house.  But, I always feel better after getting some fresh air and exercise.

2.  Exercise at night - even if I work out in the morning, I need to do something in the evening, even if its just a walk.  It's mood lifting, which is important.

3.  Make dinner - I'm finding on the nights I take the effort to make dinner rather than heating something up or letting everyone fend for themselves, I eat a lot less calories for that meal.

So, that's my plan, to try to stick to those easy tasks. 

Horrible Weigh-In

Apparently I did less well on Turkey Day than I had thought.  Or I'd had more of a binge than ever before.  Usually my good days balance out my bad days so that I maintain or only gain a little weight back.  Not so for this week.  Last week I weighed in at 133.8 and this morning I weighed in at 136.  Not good!  Put me back into a fat percentage range of 41% - I had been under 39% fat for months.  :( 

Moving forward.  I put my bodybugg on this morning along with my exercise clothes.  I've been over 136 and lost the weight before and I can do it again.  It sucks to be moving in the wrong direction, but maybe it's a kick in the pants that I need to stop this binging cycle.

I finished out okay yesterday.  I had two pieces of toast and a sugar-free hot chocolate before going to bed.  The calories weren't in my bank.  But, not a binge.

I also walked 3.2 miles on the treadmill, following by a strength training workout. 

Already put my workout clothes on this morning.  I want to get a good jog in.

Thanksgiving went well, after..

not so great.

Thanksgiving day, I woke up early and jogged halfway to my parents' house, walking the other half.  It's 2.5 miles, thereabouts.  Includes a couple hills.  Not a bad workout.

I ate a bowl of bran cereal and a banana before the big dinner.  I made the super salad.  Dinner I ate pretty much how I wanted, although I included sweet potatoes and a dinner roll.  Nothing to cry about.  I snacked later that night on some turkey and cranberry sauce.  I had my one piece of pie (no more).  I was happy with the outcome.

Friday was super busy with shopping.  I never sat down to a meal; just snacked a few times on leftovers and fruit.  I probably went a little over my calories because I wasn't sticking to low-cal food necessarily, but I wasn't overeating.  I ate until I was full but no more than that.

Saturday was the bad day.  Major binge last night.  I woke late, worked on my book for a few hours and then went out to run some must-do errands.  I hadn't wanted to go out, actually.  I procrastinated until the late afternoon.  Then, while out, I decided I was just going to grab something for dinner and take it home.  I spoke with hubby and he wanted something not too fattening, so I chose El Pollo - got myself a chicken salad.  So far, so good.  I hadn't overeaten up to that point.

Got home and the house was a wreck.  I hadn't cleaned since Thursday.  Didn't have any energy to clean on Saturday.  Went back to working on my book after I finished eating.  Then I switched to reading.  I'm into the Kathy Reichs series and I really get sucked into her books.  I watched the kids set up and decorate the christmas tree while I was reading.

Then out came the christmas candy the kids had been given.  I had my share.  And then some.  And then some more.  Then a couple granola bars, which I don't even particularly like.  Then a bowl of cereal.  Then the kids' leftovers from dinner.  Then some more candy.  And on and on.  Sick making.

This morning I felt like crap - didn't want to get out of bed.

And, so the story goes...

As usual, have been doing pretty well today, post-binge day.  On the upswing again.

Dinner Out

The last couple days have gone pretty well, eating-wise.  I stayed within my calorie budget yesterday and walked 4 miles on the treadmill, as well as doing some Pilates, FINALLY.  I felt better for it today.  I was disappointed at how difficult the Pilates was to do - I've really lost some ground in having reduced my exercising to only walking or jogging.  I was doing Zumba and other strength training exercises before we moved back to California, and had been in pretty good shape, but I have apparently gone soft.  I definitely need to make a point of using my exercise DVD's and weights regularly, as well as the walking and jogging.

Today I did really well with my eating, even with eating out.  Hubby and I went on a date to Chili's and I chose grilled chicken with rice and beans.  It was on the guiltless menu.  I don't know the exact calorie count, but it is supposed to be under 700 calories for the entire meal, and I didn't eat the entire meal.  It was really good, too!  I love when I choose well AND it tastes great.  Too often I've gone for the low-cal choice on the menu and it hasn't been very palatable.  I drank water rather than a cocktail and ate a small bag of peanut M&M's rather than a dessert at the restaurant.  All in all, a good day in my book.  Although I haven't exercised yet, now that I think about it.

I'm gearing up for tomorrow.  My contribution to dinner is a very large super salad with a huge mix of veggies.  For my dinner, I'm going to fill my plate with the salad, add a bit of turkey and cranberry sauce, and finish off with a piece of pumpkin pie.  I'm then going to go for a very long walk.  I think it's important to have planned ahead of time what I'm going to eat.  I'm including my favories (the cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie) and foregoing my less faves (the potatoes, veggies in cream sauce and stuffing).  I'll be taking my walking shoes with me.  Maybe I can get my dad and sister to walk with me, but if not, then I'm more than happy to do it alone.

In honor of the holiday, here are the top 5 things I'm thankful for this year:

1.  To have a healthy family.
2.  To be healthy myself - to be fully functioning and active.
3.  To have our jobs - we are SO lucky in this economy.
4.  To be an American.
5.  To have a truly wonderful husband who loves me.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving! 

Sick

I'm finally feeling more normal after nearly a week of being sick.  I spent lots of time last week on the couch.  Not much work done, which is a bummer.  But, feeling a lot more normal since Friday. 

Eating-wise has been okay.  I wouldn't say great by any stretch, or even good really, as there were a few occasions of unecessary overeating.  One night in particular, I wasn't hungry but HAD to eat.  Fortunately, though, my clean-out of the cupboards resulted in fewer calories being consumed, so that's something. And last night I did particularly well not overeating. I did some grocery shopping over the weekend and stocked up on produce and healthy foods. 

I haven't been up to exercising, of course.  Last week I went for a walk on Tuesday and a walk on Saturday.  Otherwise, no exercise.  I've already arranged to go for a walk/jog with my sister this afternoon, though.  I really need to get my arse moving again.  I also need to get back on the Pilates wagon because my back has been really bothering me for the past few weeks and when I was doing Pilates regularly my back hadn't bothered me much at all.

I'm finally nearly finished with the book The End of Overeating.  It is chock-full of interesting theories as to why we overeat, from food industry tricks to brain chemical reaction, to habitual responses.  Such as, the more junk food you eat, the more you want to eat it.  I'm in the last section of the book, which finally deals with how to stop overeating.  It's really just common sense - meal planning, avoiding junk food, mindful eating, learning to judge hunger, portion control, eat more whole food, eat more protein, etc. etc. etc.  Absolutely nothing new there.  I did enjoy reading about various studies with regard to how our brains react to certain foods, particularly sugar, fat and salt.  And also how the food industry uses sugar, fat and salt, and also how it processes food to make eating easier, resulting in more calories consumed in shorter time periods.  Nothing shocking or surprising, but good to cogitate over.  It isn't that any of this stuff is new but it is beneficial for me to be reminded.  I guess I'm a slow study :)  Slow to put it into practice.  Although I know I should give myself a break - it is one thing to recognize a problem and another to change one's behavior.  I totally do NOT agree that recognizing the problem is half the battle :)

2 Steps

After reading several articles about binge eating and reading my post, I've taken the first two steps to what I hope is a permanent change in behavior:

Step 1:  I was diagnosed early on (at 18) with low levels of seratonin and have struggled with depression throughout my adulthood.  A common theme in people who tend toward overeating or binge eating is low levels of seratonin.  I've always been resistant to anti-depressant medication because I don't like taking regular medication and "messing with" my system, I don't like how I felt on the medication I've tried, and I felt I could control my symptoms with my lifestyle choices.  Today, however, I realized that maybe that is putting too much pressure on myself.  I've been having other symptoms of depression the last few weeks (sleeping too much, avoiding people, avoiding everyday tasks, etc.) and maybe it's stupid for me to feel like I can control a physiological issue by sheer will alone. I wouldn't resist taking medication if I was told I had high blood pressure or a thyroid problem.  Anyway, so I called my doctor and got a referral for a psyche consult.

Step 2:  In reading what I had eaten last night, I thought "why do I have all this junk in my house?"  Seriously, that's just stupid. It isn't like the kids need it either; on the contrary, they specifically SHOULD NOT be eating that junk either.  So, I tossed the rest in the trash.  I started to do this last week but didn't want to waste food the kids eat.  Today, it struck me how lame this thinking is.  This isn't food, it's JUNK.  It's not only a waste of money whether we eat it or not, it's actually better that we DON'T eat it.  So, in the trash it went.  Including my very yummy dark choco blueberries.  I can't have treats in the house.

Binge Eating

I've been doing some reading today.  The last couple days have been ridiculous with regard to how much I've been eating.  Just to give you an idea, here's what I ate last night between about 6:00 pm and 9:00 pm:

3 slices pizza
4 servings dark chocolate candy
2 poptarts
2 Nature Valley Sweet & Salty bars
8 saltines with cheddar cheese

Yes, I felt sick after eating all that.  Nope, it didn't stop me from wanting to eat more.  I also drank 2 diet sodas and 2 bottles of water. 

So, here's what I came across in my reading:

DO I NEED HELP FOR BINGE EATING?
Ask yourself the following questions. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you have binge eating disorder.
Do you feel out of control when you’re eating? Do you think about food all the time? Do you eat in secret? Do you eat until you feel sick? Do you eat to escape from worries or to comfort yourself? Do you feel disgusted or ashamed after eating? Do you feel powerless to stop eating, even though you want to?

I can honestly say that this fits my cycle.

Here's my thinking:  I have to stop beating myself up for lacking self-control and willpower to stop overeating and focus on how to overcome my binge eating.  Why do I binge eat?  How can I redirect myself?  I've set rules for myself in my attempt to control my overeating, such as avoiding sugar, processed foods, drinking tea at night instead of eating, not allowing myself to eat in front of the tv, etc.  These rules work fine when I'm in control.  They don't work at all when I'm not in control.

My cycle is to be in control for a day or two or several and then to lose control and overeat for half a day, a day or two, more if I feel particularly upset with myself. 

What causes me to lose control?  If it was a matter of that I ate a candy bar when I had intended not to, I could live with that.  The problem is when I eat the equivelent of 5 candy  bars.  And while I'm doing it I don't give a damn that I am overeating, that I will be disgusted with myself.  I have regained control the day I've lost control, but it's usually not until the next day or the day after that I get back on program.  Probably, I indulge just enough to consider myself off program, which then allows me to eat as much as I want at the time because I'm off program.  So, I eat one candy bar but I can fit that into my calories.  Then I eat a second candy bar, which means I won't have a deficit for the day, but that's okay because I'm okay with breaking even.  But, then I eat a third candy bar and now I'm off program, out of control, let's eat some more.

However, if I say there IS no program, then I'll eat 5 candy bars every day.  Not setting a limit doesn't work either.

More reading...

Down the chute

Fell off the wagon AGAIN the last two days.  I have no idea what to think or say about it.

Running

I felt like a bona-fide runner this morning:  I've been meeting my dad for coffee less than a mile away and then walking with him back to his house, which is another 2 miles away.  Yesterday, I decided to jog to the coffee place to up my calorie burn.  Today, I decided to start off earlier and jog to wherever my dad had got to.  Turned out, that was about a mile and a half away and up a hill.  It took me about fifteen minutes.  Jogging along the street, around corners and up a hill just made me feel like I was actually jogging somewhere rather than just inserting some jogging into my walk, if that makes sense.  I even passed other joggers and walkers.  After we walked back to the coffee shop, we walked to my sister's but she was ill so we walked to my dad's house, which is about 2 miles from my sister's and features two pretty hectic hills.  So, all in all, a really good workout.

Which is good because eating was not so good yesterday.  I don't know why, but I gave in to the call of the sweets and ate a few goodies that I've been avoiding.  I really need to get this stuff cleared from my cupboard so I don't feel like I'm constantly denying myself stuff.  The kids will just have to learn to live without those particular goodies.

But, I'm back on track today and I feel okay with my hiccup.  I can deal with occasional derailments, as long as I get myself sorted quicksmart and don't turn it into weeks of indulging.

Plans this weekend include a bike ride with my daughter and some food shopping for stuff to fill the cupboards that I can eat.

I also found a great article on weight loss.  The secret:  Eat less. :)

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/11/weight.loss.race/index.html

Skipping Along

Been doing pretty well with the ol diet routine.  I managed to avoid sugar for several days until last night.  I ate two cookies and a Nutri-Grain Bar last night.  Nothing to cry about, for sure.  I was wanting to eat more last night and not sure why.  Monday and Tuesday nights I did well not snacking too much in the late PM, so not sure what was different about last night.  Except maybe because I am stressy about money again.  Hubby's earnings are down, again, and he hasn't been working a lot this week either.  Through no fault of his own this time, at least.  Well, mostly.  He could have worked a bit more hours this week, but he's done pretty well.  His paycheck is down through no fault of his own, though.  And we're not going to pay all the bills we currently owe, which is never a good place to be.  So, I guess that could be the driving force behind my wanting to eat more.  That and hormones from my lovely lady cycle.  Gotta love those.

Still, I'm not upset with myself because I haven't completely let go.  I've avoided and turned down junk food in the last few days and so I feel good that I am demonstrating that I CAN control myself.  Success breeds success, after all.

Work is a mess.  I am swamped again.  In fact, that's what hubby was supposed to be doing this week, reducing my workload, and he did to some degree but not as much as he could have.  He did more than I thought he would and less than he could have.  Same ol, same ol.

Exercise has been good.  I haven't been burning down the house or anything, but I've been consistently walking and jogging every day.  I also did some strength-training on Monday for the first time in forever and was sore for two days after.  I like the consistency, though.  I've only gone one day without exercising since the first of the month.

Monday, Monday

Not my favorite day for sure.  Especially when I have a huge project to finish by mid-afternoon, and a presentation to prepare for hanging over my head.  I HATE giving presentations, especially on a peer level.

Anyway, so my eating...  I did make out my menu, but I didn't do very well sticking to it.  In fact, I don't think I ate but two meals off my menu since I wrote it.  But, I don't think it was a waste of time at all.  It gave me an opportunity to mentalize all the foods in my kitchen that I CAN and SHOULD eat.  I usually focus on what I can't eat and focusing on what I could eat was good for me.

Friday morning, however, did not go well.  I ate, ate, ate, ate.  Junk, junk, junk, for the first five or six hours of the day.  I felt like crap.  I had eaten like crap on Thursday night too.  I had a conversation with my sister about it on Friday afternoon.  I was moaning about how I couldn't seem to control my eating and why was it so hard and I felt like giving up... major pity party about it.  She strongly urged me to stop and go work out, if nothing else, give myself some happy hormones.  I very, very reluctantly agreed.  Initially I'd had no intention of exercising, but she talked me into it.  I also decided then and there that I wouldn't eat again the rest of the day, except for raw veggies or a salad.  There was no reason to give up the rest of the day to bad eating just cuz i had started out that way.

I also decided I HAVE to stay away from the damn sugar.  It's my kryptonite and I have to stay away from it. 

So, Friday night I jogged/walked five miles and ate nothing else the rest of the day.  I felt my better that night.  Saturday, I ate really well.  NO SUGAR!!  I was already seeing a difference on the scale by Sunday morning.

Sunday I ate well enough.  I did well until dinner at my parents', which turned out to be a major food-fest.  I guess my dad was hungry when he prepared the meal. :)  The really good thing is that because of his diabetes we had sugar-free pie and lean meat and lots of veggies for dinner.  I ate A LOT but healthy foods and no sugar!

Last night I snacked on measured portions of popcorn, broccoli and a cup of hot chocolate with fat-free milk and sugar-free cocoa.  I probably didn't need the added calories, but I figured it was more important for me to concentrate on not eating sugar that not eating at all.  One thing at a time.  I have noticed that since I haven't been eating sugar, I haven't been bingeing in the evening.  Even last night's snacks were eaten over a period of several hours and all in normal portions.

It feels good to feel like I have some control again.

It's important to be consistent

I am nothing if not consistent.  Actually, hubby would dispute that statement, but he's not reading this, doesn't even know my blog exists, so I can say that.  Yesterday I again ate over 2000 calories, although I'm not sure exactly how many over.  Here's what I ate:

Shredded Wheat nBran Cereal w/ non-fat milk
coffee with sugar-free creamer

Nutrigrain Bar

El Pollo Bowl (chicken, beans and rice)
1 mini Reese's

2 Strawberry Poptarts

3/4 cup low-cal Chicken Alfredo
6 oz margarita

1 mini Snicker's Bar
2 Starburst candies
1 Tootsie Pop

Obviously, Halloween is not my friend.  It doesn't seem like a lot of food, but I did the calorie calculation last night and when I got to 2000 calories, I stopped. 

Workout was a 30 minute walk, 2.2 miles.

I decided to take Christine's advise and plan my meals ahead of time.  I dusted off my Excel program and got myself up and running.  Knowing what I had in the fridge and cupboard made it easy.  (Am I the only one who could name every item on the shelves of the fridge?)  I planned for breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks.

This morning, according to my menu, I was to eat a bowl of Shredded Wheat n Bran Cereal.  Instead, I ate a piece of whole wheat bread with light cream cheese and a banana.  Well, at least I know what I'll be having for my snack (apple slices).

It's Not a Daily Battle

For me, the fight to control my eating is not a daily battle; it's a moment by moment battle.  When I'm really distracted, I can go hours without thinking about food.  But, otherwise I'm constantly thinking about what I'm going to eat, what I have in the fridge and cupboard, when I can next eat, as well as what I can't eat.  I think a lot about what I can't eat.  Every time I actually eat something, I'm battling with what I should eat and what I want to eat.  Whether I should eat or shouldn't eat.  How much I want to eat and how much I shouldn't eat.  Sometimes these questions are posed several times in one hour.  If I'm really busy concentrating on something or I'm out and about (I'm not prone to stopping for fast food), I can avoid these questions for hours.  But, five days per week, I'm sitting at my desk, working.  Seven nights per week, I'm sitting on my chair or the couch, reading or watching TV.  Or I'm getting into bed and the questions plague me.  The battle wages on, neverending.

This morning is an example of the constant battle and how I try to win it for team weight loss.  I was hungry, opened the cupboard and saw the kids' cereal next to my box of wheat/bran cereal.  I wanted the kids' cereal.  I knew it would taste way better and satisfy that constant need for "treats."  But, the wheat/bran is what my body needs.  The wheat/bran is not a trigger food and will keep me satisfied longer.

I made a deal with myself:  If I ate the wheat/bran cereal, but was still hungry I could have a small portion of the kids' cereal.  I ate the wheat/bran cereal and my hunger was satisfied so I didn't need the sugared cereal.  However, I did get hungry again 2 hours later and had a Nutri-Grain bar.  I'm okay with that.  I think I'll be fine until lunch.

The war wages on.  Sometimes I win a battle, sometimes I lose.  I need to remember to step back and look at the bigger picture. 

I want to add...

I think I may be mis-representing my situation based on a recent post I read.  I regularly eat 1600 to 2500 calories per day.  My BMR is 1312.  I have a sedentary job.  When I exercise, I burn anywhere from 100 calories to 300 calories, depending on the exercise I do.  I eat too much - I take in too many calories. This isn't a surprise, as I wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place if I didn't have a penchant for overeating.  One slice of pie in one day isn't bad... 2 1/2 IS bad.  If I eat pie, I don't stop at one piece.  Therefore, it's best if I don't eat pie at all.  I'm not berating myself for eating a piece of pie - I'm feeling upset because I seem to have completely stalled out on my weight loss by eating too much REGULARLY.  I'm not talking about occasional indulgences; I'm talking about indulging in junk food most days, often several times a day.  This is not something to make a sarcastic remark about; this is a serious problem that could easily result in me re-gaining 50 pounds.  Obviously I haven't resolved the issues that lead to my weight gain in the first place.   

And in case anyone sees my weight (134) and thinks that's normal, my current BMI is 29.  And you can see from the following table that I'm at the upper reaches of overweight:

BMI Categories:

• Underweight = <18.5
• Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
• Overweight = 25–29.9
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

No one thinks they can exercise off pie and keep the calories from their salad.  However, they do want to keep their total calorie intake less than the total calorie burned.  If you eat something that pushes your day's intake past your total calorie burned, than your options are to: ignore it and remember it takes 3500 calories to gain a pound, just like it takes 3500 calories to lose a pound; cut back a little more the next day to maintain the total week's loss; or exercise to actively burn off some excess calories.  It is true that most people over-estimate calories burned (no thanks to the machine's generous numbers) just as they under-estimate the calories they consume and therefore it is always better to not have eaten the extra calories than to try to burn them off.  HOWEVER, some may find exercise a helpful way to refocus themselves and it IS better, unquestionably, to exercise than not to exercise. Here's a good article on the benefits (and limits) of exercise as part of a weight loss program.

http://www.caloriesperhour.com/tutorial_exercise.php

Coming Back

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I had really gone off the rails with my weight loss efforts.  I decided to give it up altogether for a few days and then come back to it starting today, a Monday, the first.  My thinking was that I had not given myself full permission to eat to my heart's (belly's?) content for a couple years.  Even when I gave myself the mental nod to eat something that was not part of my weight loss efforts, it was always with a given clause.  Such as "go ahead and eat the chocolate cake, but you'll have to workout extra or cut way back on your calories the rest of the day."  Which I would usually not do.  So, there was still a sense of failing even when I gave myself permission to indulge.  Therefore, I decided to completely let myself off the hook for a few days.  I ate candy, fast food, pie and drank margaritas with abandon.  I even had a full-calorie soda.  I ate when I felt hungry or felt like eating.  I didn't count calories, exercise or wear my bodybugg.  Basically, I behaved as I had for the years preceding my decision to lose weight...the years during which I was gaining weight.  And you know what I decided?  It wasn't all that great.  I liked that I didn't have to count calories or try to restrain my culinary desires, but most of the time the foods I ate weren't nearly as satisfying as I had thought they would be.  I wasn't on a blissful cloud of edible contentment.  I didn't walk around feeling happy and satisfied because my belly was constantly full.  I felt worried (about the amount of weight I was probably gaining), disappointed (that all the treats I had been denying myself didn't taste nearly as good when I gave myself complete freedom to eat them), sick (from eating too much and of the wrong things), tired (from lack of exercise), achey (in my back from not doing my pilates) and uncomfortable (because my pants were too snug around my waist).  In fact, I also had a constant sense of discontent because what I had thought would happen, that I could finally satisfy all the cravings I'd been carrying around, didn't happen.  I realized the food did NOT satisfy this inner sense of something missing.  I was confusing a desire for whatever it is that is making me feel ill-content with my life with a desire for food.  I still don't know why I constantly feel a underlying sense of unhappiness, but I do know that it isn't because I'm denying myself foods I want to eat.

I kinda feel like I should be slapping my forehead and saying "duh!"  I mean, I realized at one time that I was using food as a salve for my unhappiness and that it wasn't working (because I was still unhappy when I was fat) and in fact made me more unhappy.  Yep, I remember that now.  I just don't know why I'm unhappy.  Is it because of the expectations that I place on myself, which I never seem to fulfill?  I recently read an article about how people who allow themselves to make mistakes, who are more laidback and less detail-oriented, are happier people.  They may not be as "successful" as defined by the general populace, and they may not make great employees, but they tend to be more satisfied with life.  They have lower expectations, of themselves, those around them and their "success." 

Or maybe that's barking up the wrong tree...

Far off program

The last few days have been crazy busy with work and entertaining my step-daughter.  She's leaving tonight.  I feel sad; it's been nice having her around.  Hubby will be home tomorrow, which is really sad that he didn't make it back before she left.  I'll be glad when he's home, though.  Overall, I'm just feeling down.  I haven't tracked calories or worked out.  I've been eating whatever I want, pretty much, although I still try to include a lot of fruits and veggies in my diet.  I guess that has become a good habit, at any rate.  I know I need to get back with the program but I have no motivation to do so.  Even when I feel uncomfortable because of my weight, like having to don a suit that doesn't quite fit right, it still isn't motivating me to get back on program.  I know I will get back on program, I just don't want to yet.  It's rather like when the house is messy and you know you need to start cleaning it up but you just can't be bothered and you go to bed with dishes piled in the sink and laundry littering the floor.  You know you'll hate having to wake up to the mess, but you have no energy whatsoever to do anything about it right then and there.  Tomorrow, you hope, you'll feel better and up to the task.  Today is a no-go.  I feel like I want to sleep through a couple days and then wake up feeling refreshed and with a renewed sense of determination.  If only it were that simple, eh?

If I had written this yesterday...

...here's how it would have read:

First day of new diet program (no eating after 8pm and avoiding trigger foods) went really well.  I only ate about 1000 calories all day and avoided foods that I thought might trigger overeating.  I did get physically hungry about 10 pm cuz I'd had an early dinner, so I made a piece of wheat toast with cream cheese.  I figured that wouldn't trigger me to overeat and would keep me satisfied until I went to sleep.  And it worked! I felt fine afterward and did not eat anything else.  I really wanted a piece of chocolate someone had left on the table next to me, but I didn't give in.  I felt really good about it.

However...

Last night did NOT go well. :(

It started before 8pm.  In fact, I'm not sure if what started me down the wrong path was the facts that by 6pm I was super hungry and then ate what I would consider to be trigger foods (a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream and a sliver of lemon meringue pie) or if the thought at the time that I would probably end up not keeping on program because of getting too hungry and then eating trigger foods was a pre-rationalization for overeating.  Either way, at about 10pm (coincidence? didn't think so) I warmed up an El Pollo Bowl and cut myself a slice of the lemon meringue pie I had been given.

I wasn't even that hungry, physically.  But, as soon as I got home from dinner at my sister's, and knew the pie was in the fridge (brought home by my daughter), I was thinking about food.  I tried reading, cleaning, thinking about something else... but I was obsessed.  And then I had the thought.  The thought that I could just start again tomorrow - that it didn't REALLY matter if I overate THIS ONE NIGHT.  That eating that one night wouldn't mean I would gain back 50 pounds, it wouldn't make that much impact on my weight at all - this ONE meal.

*sigh*

Of course I feel like crap today about it.  And it isn't ONE meal.  It's countless meals and snacks.  Will I ever get control of my eating?

New determination

I am determined to overcome my nighttime overeating.  I was reading "The End of Overeating" and a passage particularly struck me with regard to conditioning:  "In one study, people were given a high-sugar, high-fat snack for five consecutive mornings.  For days afterward, they wanted something sweet at about the same time each morning that they had been fed the snack, even though they had not previously snacked at that time.  Desire had already taken hold."

That totally makes sense to me.  I have far less trouble controlling the food beast during the day, but at night I am insatiable.  I think I have conditioned myself to expect high-sugar, high-fat foods at night!  So, I need to break the cycle.

The only way I can see accomplishing this is to NOT eat after 8pm, at all.  This will definitely be difficult.  In fact, I've tried this trick in the past and was unsuccessful.  However, I cannot allow past failures to dictate my current behavior.  Just because it didn't work in the past, doesn't mean it won't work now.  I just have to stay strong and determined.  I have to avoid all trigger food.  I have to keep that study result in mind.  If I eat a high-calorie snack, the consequences are not limited to the 500 calories added to my daily quota, but to an ever-increasing desire for that same or similar high-calorie snack.  One snack can have incalculable effects on my diet.

Okay, I know it would be impossible to NEVER again have a high-calorie snack or food.  I know that if I try to deny myself of all such foods, forever and ever, I will crack and end up bingeing.  I know of the deny/binge cycle.  So, I will need to incorporate SOME treats into my diet.  I just need to find what treats I can eat without it triggering the over-eating.  But first I need to recondition myself.  Which means avoiding high fat/salt/sugar foods for at least a few days, preferrably a week.  And then carefully introduce selected treats back into my diet.  It feels like a monumental task.  I'm already afraid of tonight, worried that I'll give in on the first day. 

One day at a time, right?  Just get through tonight.  Pull out all the tricks to control myself.  Stay busy - don't watch TV.  Drink a lot of water.  Brush my teeth early in the evening.

It's not insurmountable.

Last night...

...was a very bad food night.  I ate, and ate, and ate.  I was only at 1200 calories and in about an hour increased that number to nearly 1800.  What is wrong with me??  Argh!!  I have read so many diet/weight loss books I should know how to fix this.  But I think, in the end, it really does come down to two things:  willpower and determination.  Of which I seem to be lacking at night.  I do so well all day but at night... I just lose all my discipline.  I know while I'm eating that I shouldn't be eating and that I will hate myself... I just keep doing it.  I see so many other bloggers and dieters who manage to keep their calorie intake between 800 and 1200 over extended periods of time and I wonder why I find it so difficult to do that.  Even when I'm doing well, I can only manage a few days at a time.  My saving grace has almost always been exercise - that I manage to work out enough to tip the scales, so to speak.  Very disappointed in myself today.

Goal: Achieved

Well, I did it!  I walked 10 miles yesterday.  It took way longer than I had anticipated, although if I had thought about it for two seconds I could have figured out how long it would take based on the speed at which I was walking, duh!  Anyway, it took me 3 hours. For the first half, I walked at a slight incline.  I try to always walk at a slight incline since it's actually a lot easier to walk/run on the treadmill than outside since the belt is moving under your feet on the treadmill, taking out half the work.  I was sweaty and tired by the time I was done, though.  Based on the calorie counter on the treadmill, I burned nearly 1400 calories.  My bodybugg said about 300 calories.  Whatever, I'm just glad I did it. 

Too bad I ate like a ton of cookies before bed :/  My two oldest daughters decided to bake cookies yesterday evening and I was unable to resist.  Initially, I only ate a couple and I was happy with myself.  But, I kept going back for more.  Fortunately my food intake was pretty low up to that point so I don't think I exceeded my calories for the day.  It was close, though, and I missed an opportunity to burn some major fat.  Oh well.

Glad tomorrow is Friday!!!  I'm tired and done with this week.  I've had a really hard time with my 3 year old the past few days.  He is beyond willful and determined.  Nothing seems to stop him from going after what he wants.  He doesn't seem to care at all about consequences.  And he's super independent.  *sigh*  I miss having hubby around to play interference when I'm reaching my limit.  Apparently he's going to be away even longer than we'd initially been told.  But, good money, right?  Always gotta remember that we need the money.

Today has gone well, food-wise.  Exercise was a fairly short, though hill-ridden, walk to my parents' house.  We had dinner with them, which was both healthy and ample.  I figured I ate nearly 800 calories in total.  Fortunately I'd only eaten 400 up to that point.  I'm not hungry right now but of course I am thinking about food.  And the fact that technically I can eat up to 1500 calories.  But I don't need 1500 calories so I need to put it out of my mind.

I missed an important school meeting today.  It had been scheduled several weeks ago and I had asked for a reminder before the meeting, knowing that I would forget.  Well, apparently the reminder had been sent home yesterday but I hadn't checked my daughter's backpack yesterday.  95% of the time, I do check her backpack but sometimes I'm distracted when she gets home from school and I don't do it.  Yesterday I don't even remember what was going on but I didn't check it and then missed my appointment and the teacher was understandably irritated.  And it isn't like I could run up to the school and just be tardy for the meeting because the school is a 20 minute drive away.  I felt like a horrible parent for forgetting and a failure.  So much pressure to juggle home, family and work.

Again, glad tomorrow if Friday.  I plan on not even looking at my computer this weekend.  I plan on exercising and cleaning house and going for walks and not even thinking about work or school or anything else.  (Yeah, right!!)

10 Miles

About two years ago, I challenged myself to walk 10 miles on my treadmill in one day.  Not necessarily in one go, just in one day.  I managed to do about 8 1/2 miles.  After about 5 miles, I was hurting.  Which was kinda pathetic, but I was a lot bigger at the time and not in very good shape.  It should be a breeze now.  Okay, not a breeze, but certainly easier.

And, since I'm so low on motivation to exercise as to be non-existent, I figured revisiting my 10 mile challenge might be a good idea.  I don't know why I haven't been wanting to exercise.  Usually, even if I'm not eating well, I'm at least walking or doing some floor exercises, if not necessarily breaking a sweat.  I try to do SOMETHING. But, in the last five days, I've exercised one day :(  That's the worst I've done in probably more than a year.  I'm not sure why I'm so opposed to exercising at the moment.  I've been busy most days, trying to get my work in, visiting with family and whatnot.  And having a visitor in the house has certainly changed the dynamic a bit.  But none of these things have impeded my working out in the past. 

Even worse today, I slept until 10 am.  I just didn't want to get out of bed.  Clearly I'm not in a good state of mind.

Hubby is out of town, so that may have something to do with it, although he's been away plenty in the past and it hasn't affected my will to exercise.

I haven't been tracking my calories AT ALL.  However, I've been doing okay with eating.  Not great or even good, but acceptable.

In other news, I was given my first award!! 


Compliments of Christina at Iamsickofbeingasbigasahouse.blogspot.com.  As a condition of the award, I'm to list 7 things about myself and pass it on to 15 blogs.

Seven things about myself:

1.  I am addicted to Biggest Loser.  No one I know watches the program or understands my interest.
2.  I am an avid reader; I read several books a week.
3.  I'm super short at only 4'9" tall.
4.  I still experience post-holiday blues.  I am deeply saddened the day after Christmas.
5.  I hate going places by myself.
6.  I drive a minivan.
7.  I hate wearing sandals; I always feel like my feet are getting dirty.

I'm new to this, so I haven't yet found 15 blogs to read.  However, I can pass the award on to those I do know of and like:

Princess Dieter at Two Years To Happy Weight After
266
Splurgie at What a Splurge ... the diet and the exercise
Dr. Fat To Fit at Dr. Fatty Finds Fitness
Christine at Phoenix Revolution
*Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures
Christina at http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com/
http://healthyschmealthy.blogspot.com/

Happy reading!  Off to start my 10 mile challenge.  Oh, and maybe actually do some work...

The One-Two Step

I have been on this "weight loss journey" since March 2008 and have lost 50 pounds in that time.  Here's how it has gone... lose a pound, gain a pound, lose a pound, gain a pound, lose two pounds, gain a pound, lose no pounds, gain two pounds, lose six pounds, and then maintain for six weeks.  Basically, I dance around weight loss for weeks on end and then have a bit of success because I manage to stay on program for several weeks in a row, then go back to the dancing around it.  This is done by spending half the week exercising and keeping my calories in check and the other half of the week NOT exercising and eating pretty much whatever I want. 

In keeping with this style of weight loss, I spent the first half of last week doing really well, and the second half not so good.  In the past four days, I've exercised once.  I didn't track my calories at all over the weekend.  I am tracking them today, though.  I haven't exercised yet, but I do intend to get on my treadmill later.

Anyway, the scale this morning was up :(  I was down to 131 mid-week but blew that out of the water with my eating and lack of exercise since Thursday.  Totally bummed about it.  Ah well, new week, new effort.  I just need to stay focused and on track.  I'm picking up a couple weight-loss related books from the library to hopefully keep me motivated. I was SO close to getting to the 120's!!  Why did I sabotage that?  ugh!

Banana Bread

Yesterday turned out to be a really good day for eating.  Last night hubby and I drove to LA to pick up his daughter from the airport; she's visiting from England for 2 weeks.  We were super late getting started and didn't get a chance to eat dinner before we left.  Then we ended up waiting for over an hour because she got stuck going through immigration.  In the end, it was after 9:00 pm before we were heading home and we were super hungry.  I had only eaten about 700 calories up to that point, so I knew I was okay to eat whatever we managed to get.  We didn't want to go for any sit-down dinner because my sister was watching the kids and we still had a long drive home, so we just went through a Carl's Jr. drive-thru.  I chose salad!  No soda, just water.  It ended up being about 350 calories with the dressing.  Yay me!  And when I got home, I ate two dark choco candies and nothing more.  I ended the day at less than 1200 calories.  Good thing, too, cuz I didn't exercise at all yesterday.

I haven't exercised yet today but I will tonight for sure.  I was fine with skipping it yesterday because I have been working out hard and I thought it would probably be good for my body to get a break, but I don't want to go 2 days without.  Besides which I haven't been eating as well today.  I've been okay but not as good as yesterday.  So far I've had one packet instant oatmeal and one piece of toast for breakfast, and a large salad and piece of banana bread for lunch.  The banana bread was super yummy.  I bought it fresh-baked at the Farmer's Market this morning and the vendor only uses whole grain flour and few ingredients.  I love it!  I'm going to have a hard time avoiding getting more, but it won't last long with the kids around at least.

It's interesting having my step-daughter visit.  She's 19 cuz hubby was a kid when his gf got pregnant.  She has lived with us in the past and that hadn't gone so well.  In fact, I haven't had a lot of interaction with her since she lived with us.  Hubby has spoken with her regularly, but I haven't.  And with hubby going out of town for work, it is going to be just her and I and the other kids.  Hoping we can bond!  I had really, really missed her after she left and having her visit is like revisiting that time.  I wish I could go back and do it again, but of course I can't.  Well, I can make the present better, though, right?

Anyway, back to work.  Really short on hours this week so I need to work my behind off.

Feeling Better

I feel better today. I feel in control and not upset.  I don't feel the constant need to eat.  I do need to work out at some point today, but I don't feel manic about it. 

Last night I ate two bags of snack-size M&M's at my sister's house and NOTHING ELSE!  When I got home, I cleaned until nearly midnight and then read a book for about 30 minutes.  I didn't eat again.  I ate a total of 1300 calories yesterday and burned nearly 2200. 

Today I haven't had a great burn yet due to no exercise but my calorie consumption is good.  I'll be cleaning again in a little bit cuz we're having company. 

Work hours are a bit down.  I didn't do a full day yesterday and today will be a bit truncated as well.  I'll have to work on Saturday to make up for it.  That's fine, though, cuz hubby is working this weekend anyway and I have nothing planned.

Forging ahead and some minor adjustments

I did well yesterday!  That has renewed my faith in myself.  With the way I've been eating, I spent most of yesterday morning asking "how can I take back control of my eating?"  The answers I came up with were:  1.  Start reading weight-loss motivating books again.  I used to always be reading a book of either good motivation tricks and why we need to lose weight or a memoir of someone who has lost  weight.  This kept me focused that every day counts.  I did some research yesterday and was referred to read The End of Overeating by Dr. Kessler.  I read a short interview he did and it struck me as so right so I ordered a copy of the book from the library.  2. Watch the sugar intake!  I went through a period of time where I did not allow myself to eat simple sugars the first 5 hours of the day and it worked! I did eat less.  I didn't maintain this particular diet trick but I'm reverting to it in my hour of need.  I did not allow myself any simple or refined sugars most of yesterday and I did feel more in control of my eating last night.  I still had some choco, but only one serving worth and I didn't go looking for something else to eat.  3. Keep working out hard.  Even if I eat poorly, I'm still making strides in my physical wellness.  I am up to being able to jog on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Today I upped the speed toward the end of the workout.  I need to keep working out hard and keep pushing myself.  At least this gives me a good burn.  And I do feel more in control when I work out hard.

So far, today is going well.  I'm a little nervous about tonight because I will be watching my nephews at my sister's house and she has LOTS of junk food there.  I usually snack quite a bit when I'm watching the boys.  I must not give in!  I'll be reading and that means wanting to eat.  Maybe I should take my laptop instead and work on my book.  That's a good idea!

That's another thing, I've started a new book for the gazillionth time.  However, I feel really good about this one.  I have a plot that I think will work.  And I'm writing about what I know.  I am working on it a little bit every day.  I want to finish it!  I need to persevere and actually complete the damn thing, even if it starts to go awry.  I can do this.

I also will not fight with hubby anymore.  I'm becoming a horrible harpy and no one wants to live with someone like that.  Give in a bit, I tell myself.

Which leads me to my thoughts as I was going to sleep last night.  See, I had been on hubby about the money again.  And his response was he doesn't need a daily reminder that we aren't exactly flush at the moment.  He reminded me we've already had the conversation with the agreement that we both need to work hard and curb our spending.  So, why go on and on about it?  I thought about the question and responded that I feel like if I let go and stop pushing, I'll really let go and everything will fall apart.  If I don't stress about the money, I might not work enough hours or he might not work enough hours or we may decide to spend money on something we don't need.  If I don't stress about my food and exercise, I might give up completely and let my weight get out of control again.  If I don't stress about keeping a fairly tidy house, we may end up living in a complete pit.  The only way I know to push myself to live the lifestyle I want (i.e. a nice house, a nice bod, a nice wad of cash in the bank), I have to push and push and push and drive myself (and apparently my husband) crazy.  He calls me neurotic, I call me driven.  Either way, why DO we put so much pressure on ourselves?  I need to ease off that particular gas pedal, without completely giving up.  A happy medium anyone?

Why can't I stop eating???

I'm posting early today, because I'm a bit perturbed with how my night went  yesterday.  I had posted about my sugar-laden foodfests during date night and that I had to forego any snacks or eating of any kind the rest of the evening to maintain my calorie goal.  Well... as you've probably already guessed, that didn't happen.

It began with a bite of chocolate.  I know! More sugar!!  Hubby and I were sitting down to watch House and he had a huge chocolate bar.  At first, I was like, no way am I having  any.  Then, I was thinking about how he hadn't even offered me a bite for me to turn down.  Then I just wanted a damn bite of the chocolate.  I stared him down until he offered me some.  I ate about a quarter of his chocolate bar (probably why he didn't offer me any in the first place).

It didn't stop there, unfortunately.  I then ate a bag of kettle popcorn (the 100 calorie bag, so not terribly bad, but totally unneeded calories). 

Then, a bean burrito.  Because, you can imagine how hungry I was, having EATEN ALL DAY!

Then, four dark choco pieces.

I finally stopped.  *sigh*

So you can understand my angst this morning. I haven't tallied it all up yet, but I would have to guesstimate that I ate about 2200 calories in total yesterday.

Why is not eating so hard?  Why couldn't I just NOT eat?  I wasn't terribly hungry.  If I had been physically hungry, I could understand that avoiding food would have been hard.  But, I really wasn't.  I wasn't full, but I wasn't physically hungry.  I just wanted to eat.  And I didn't want to stop eating.

I really need to just NOT EVER watch TV.  How depressing is that?  That I have so little control over myself that I can't watch TV because I'll overeat.  But, really, that's not it, either.  Because there have been enough nights recently when I have snacked my way through an evening without once turning on the TV.  Like the night I kept myself busy until 11:30 pm, but then ate several hundred calories between 11:30 and 12:30 when I finally went to bed.  It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing, I just want to eat at night.  Sometimes I'm genuinely hungry and eating satisfie s that, but then I keep eating beyond satisfying the physical hungry.  Other times, I'm just eating because I want to eat, not because I physically need food.

I'm going to do some research and see if I can find anything online that may help.  Some trick or motivation.  Not that I haven't read a ton of books, but I may find just the right message to get through my thick skull.  (Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to check.)  I'll post here if I find anything useful.

Here's a positive note to start my day with, though, I hit my first goal of the day! I started work at 6:30 this morning, yay me :)

Loss!

Not a whole lot, but after my very lazy and food-obsessed weekend, I didn't expect a loss on the scale this morning, no matter how well I had done last week. But, alas, I did have a small loss - less than 2 pounds but I'm happy with anything. 

Today went well enough for the first half (except for my early morning goal, which I have yet to achieve in the past week, but nevermind that for the moment).  I didn't do my Pilates, but I did go to my sister's for some elleptical workout (you know, the killer workout that caused me sore muscles last week).  I even jogged there!  I didn't break down the house with calorie burn, but I did alright.  Eating was going well, with Cheerios for breakfast, toast & light cream cheese for snack, veggie soup for lunch and then a bean burrito for dinner.  If I had only stopped there...

But, no, hubby and I went out and combined a date night with work.  We dropped the childrens off and then ran a couple errands.  Hubby had a quickee assignment not too far away, so we decided to drive out together as part of our date night, the date part being that we could actually talk in the car on the drive rather than listen to kid music, whining and yelling.  We stopped for a drink before hitting the freeway, only I stupidly chose to get a candy bar to go with my Diet Pepsi.  (Yep, I'm one of those!!!)  After the assignment, we stopped at a diner for coffee.  Only, I didn't stick with mere coffee, I had an apple crisp dessert as well.  Fortunately I only ate half, because I looked up the nutrition information when I got home and it is 750 calories!!!  So nearly 400 calories for the half of the dessert I ate and 200 calories for the candy bar.  600 calories in less than 2 hours, and that was post-dinner.  Urgh!!  I should get on the treadmill and go for a jog :/  I did manage to talk hubby into going for a short walk, but that would have burned about 30 of the 600 calories.  *sigh*

Well, tomorrow is a new day.  And the difficult part is going to be NOT EATING AGAIN TONIGHT.  It's still fairly early, only about 8:30 pm and I usually go to bed at midnight, so it's going to be a long night staying away from the kitchen (except for when I clean it after I'm done writing this).

I think I'll jog tomorrow.  That should make up for some of the calories.  And, really, I'm still only ending the day with 1500 calories, so I shouldn't cry about it.

Must stop feeling sorry for myself...

I really need to get my head on straight.  I am very lucky, nevermind the normal trials and tribulations of life.  Yes, my husband and I sometimes have a strained relationship.  And yes we are having money worries.  But, you know what?  I have a house to live in and food always in the cupboard and healthy, beautiful children and a family who loves me and wants me around.  My husband loves me, despite everything.  I love him, despite everything.  We have jobs and the prospect of having everything we could ever want.  I'm writing, and planning and that's all good.  My thoughts have been askewed by superfluous wants and desires.  Everyone has their issues in life - I'm no different and nor should I be.

I woke up this morning (late as always) and sad for the most stupid reason.  Okay, not stupid, but idiotic.  Anyway, I thought there was the slightest chance I was pregnant.  Mind you, I have four kids and I'm past 35, and with our current problems, another kid would be plain silly.  I love the family we have.  I love the kids' ages, that the youngest is just getting to be rather self-sufficient in a lot of ways.  But, I loved the idea of being pregnant one last time.  Probably because I had thought it would never happen again and I couldn't in all consciousness purposefully get pregnant, but if it happened unintentionally... well, I couldn't take it back, right?  Anyway, it didn't happen and I still couldn't agree to get pregnant on purpose, so that's that.  I hate being past child-bearing age, to be honest.  I hate that I'll never have another baby.  Even while I love the family I have.  Self-pitying, spoiled little brat, me.  :P

Anyway, so I'm refusing to dwell on it any longer.  Age happens, time passes, it's all part of life.  The way I see it, I can feel sorry for myself for what isn't, or enjoy what is.  That simple, right?  I have way more to be grateful for than I do to be unhappy about. And why would I want to dwell on the unhappiness? 

Foodwise was not so good yesterday.  I did well for most of the day, but then kept eating Oreos at my parents' house, as well as fresh baked bread, and ate a ton of snacks while watching TV last night.  My typical fall-downs.  I didn't even bother tracking calories.  And, worse, I didn't exercise at all yesterday.  I haven't exercised yet today, either.  I should go for a walk to shake me out of my stupor.  Except that I can't leave the kids alone and my stroller has flat tires thanks to the terrain where we live.

Today I've eaten okay, but going out to dinner for my dad's birthday, which will totally blow my calories out of the water I'm sure.  Although at least we're eating Chinese, which isn't my favorite, so I won't eat too much.  I hope.  Or I shouldn't "hope," I should decide.  Okay, I'm deciding I will not overeat.

And I will go for a walk.

Blah

Not having a great day.  Started at 4:30 am with pounding on the front door.  Scared the hell out of me.  It was my 15 year old being brought home by two cops.  Apparently she'd been at the park; probably meeting friends although she was alone at the time they picked her up.  Need I say more about it?  Need I mention that I didn't sleep after that or that I've been feeling rather crappy since?  Nuff said, right?

Yesterday went really well for eating.  I ended the day on track for calories, if a little under for calorie burn.  Not sure why my burn was a bit under, actually.  I had walked in the morning and then floor exercises in the evening.  Plus the normal house cleaning and stuff.  I should have had an average burn, if nothing more.

Anyway, today my calorie burn has been good but my food wasn't too good for a bit.  I definitely overate this morning, starting with kettle popcorn, then toast and cream cheese, then chicken and rice and then some pumpkin bread.  I ate all of this within about an hour's time and felt over-stuffed.  I'm not going to eat again until dinner, which is going to be a stir-fry of veggies and chicken with teriyaki sauce and no rice or carbs, thank you very much.

Haven't exercised today and I feel so blah that I can't seem to work up the energy to do so yet.  I want to run, that should pep me up.  Maybe in an hour or so.  I'm rather low on my work hours today because I didn't start until I got back from the Farmer's Market with my sister at noon.

It's going to be a long weekend.  My 15 year old is going to be moping around, and unhappily stuck in the house.  And I won't be able to go anywhere because hubby is working out of town until Sunday.  Then, next week hubby is going to be in Hawaii for a week for work. I'm really dreading him being gone because I don't sleep well.  I always get a bit freaked when I'm on my own. 

Wah, wah, wah, right?  Poor me, let's have a pity party.  I definitely need to jog and get some good hormones going.

TIRED!!

...and not because I started my day at 6:00 am, unfortunately.  I was up super late, until almost 2:00 am, and apparently did not sleep well.  I went back to bed after the girls were off to school, but then got up again at just before 8:00 am.  Yesterday's plan to walk to my parents' house had flown out the window when I got a red light from my dad at the idea.  However, I thought he might stop by this morning with coffee, so I made sure I was up by 8.  When I looked at my phone, he had already called at quarter to 8.  He brought coffee and we did go for a walk together.  It was a nice walk.  We walked for several miles.

I got home and started working, but wasn't feeling too great.  My eyes were bloodshot and I had a headache and felt nauseous.  I tried to take a shower and eat breakfast, but that didn't help.  I finally went and lay down on my bed for about an hour and felt marginally better.  All day I've been really dragging.  Ass dragging.  My eyes feel gritty and I have that befuddled head thing going.  I can't wait to get to sleep tonight.  Of course, by the time it gets to bedtime, I probably will be wide awake and feeling great.

Okay, so here's my confession for the day. I had done really well with my eating yesterday and last night up until about 11:30.  I stuck to my plan of keeping super busy so I was literally cleaning and doing stuff up until that time. But then I felt hungry.  I started with a salad (good!) but then added a burrito (bad) then some choco candies (really bad) then more and more choco candies until I'd topped my calorie count at 2000 again (super-duper really bad).  I don't know why I couldn't stop eating :(  I had had so many chocolates that my tummy was hurting by the time I got to bed.  (Possibly why I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00 am?)  Today I can't even think of choco candy, so I guess that's a good thing at least.

I'm currently at 820 calories with only dinner and evening to get through.  Evening is the worst though.  I must conqueor this food demon that forces me to eat choco candies until I am sick.  I just don't know yet what weapon to use against it.  Obviously staying busy only works up to a point.  Where is my self-discipline at 11:30?  Where is my determination to keep my calories down?  Already in bed, probably, getting enough sleep so that it can tackle the morning.  *sigh*

So, despite my morning walk, I'm supposed to go work out at my sister's this evening.  Not on her elliptical, because my muscles are still sore, but some weight lifting and abdominal work.  I'll feel better after I'm sure.  Really keeping my fingers crossed that I keep it together for tonight.

Skating Along

The day started late, again.  *sigh*  I went back to bed at 7 and didn't get up again until 9:30, when my 3 year old finally got up.  (He came into bed with me at 8 and I thought he was going to make me get up then but he fell back asleep.  Which I can understand - my bed is very cosy.)

This morning it was straight to work, per usual.  I have lots to do, so I just got on with it and I do feel better for having shrunk my in-pile.  I also did my Pilates this morning - yay me!  It wasn't at 7:00 am, more like 11:00 am, but I still did it.  Only 10 minutes, but that's all that I want to do.  Just enough to limber me up and get the blood flowing.

I worked until nearly 2:00 pm and then got on the treadmill.  The original plan was to go to my sister's house to work out again on her elliptical and the stepper, but I woke with sore hamstring muscles. Not surprising because her elliptical is HARD!  So, I called and told her I would just walk on my treadmill today and get back on her machine tomorrow.  I walked on an incline for 30 minutes while listening to a new audio book.  I download them from audible.com onto my iPod and it makes my workouts go much more quickly.  I just started The Winter House by Nicci Gerrard.  Don't know what it's about yet, only that it's a psycho thriller/mystery - my fave. 

I did some research today into writing.  I read some articles on writing techniques and on resources for aspiring authors.  Good stuff!  I sent hubby some info on potential xmas presents.  It's getting my mind in the game, if that makes sense.

I'm going to work for a couple more hours, finish off my 8 hours, and then get back on the treadmill for a bit.  Then make dinner, do laundry, clean (maybe even the bathroom!) and find something else to do. I have a movie to watch, Precious, but I'm kinda leary about sitting down to watch it.  I just have such a bad habit of eating while I'm in front of the tube.  (Even though there is no tube in my TV, can we still refer to it as that?)  I'm thinking I should just stay busy until it's time for bed.  Maybe I'll sleep better too.  I really, really want to get up early tomorrow.

I feel bad, too, cuz I later found out that my dad had stopped by this morning with coffee for me.  He said he knocked but got no answer.  How frustrating for him.  Especially as he had bought me a cup.  I should buy him a cup tomorrow to return the favor.  Maybe if I go really early.  I could walk over in the morning.  I could go as soon as the girls have left for school, well before the 3 year old is awake.  (Only if hubby's home, of course!!)  That would be a good plan, actually.

So, here's my plan for the morning - and I'm writing it so I can hold myself to it.  I will get up at 6:00 am, get the girls off to school and NOT go back to bed.  I will get dressed and walk to the coffee shop, then to my parents' house.  That should put me there at about 8am.  Too early?  It should probably be okay.  Then back home and start work by 9:00 am, which is what time I've been starting work anyway.

Alright, now that I have a plan, time to get back to work. 

Started badly...got better

You know how there are certain discrepancies in everyone's lives between what they want to accomplish  daily and what they actually do?  For instance, I want to wake up at 6:00 am every day, get my daughter to school and be at my desk working by 6:30 am.  This way, I'm done with work early in the day and I feeesl better about myself. 

What actually happened this morning is that I got up at 6:30 am, with just enough time to get my daughters up for school and then went back to bed.  I slept until 9:00 am.  (Hubby was home to watch the 3 year old when he got up.)  I did this yesterday, too.  It's so frustrating when I don't meet my first goal of the day.

Second goal of the day is to do some Pilates to wake up.  I didn't do this.  In fact, I have yet to do this since I made this goal months ago.  I'm only talking 10 minutes to get myself warmed up and ready for the day.  Why is that so difficult to do?  I know it's harder when I sleep until 9, but even when I do get myself out of bed and stay awake from 6:00 am on, I don't do the Pilates.  Maybe I should make it a time-specific goal.  Like, I'm up at 6:00, at my desk by 6:30, and do Pilates at 7:00.  Let's try that tomorrow.

Third goal of the day was to make veggie soup for dinner.  I do it in the crock pot, so it means starting it pretty early.  It also means lots of chopping of various vegetables so it would have been better if I had gotten up early and done it before I started work today, but instead I chopped during my first morning break.  That's okay because the soup doesn't take THAT long to cook.  However, it did mean that I had to rush it a bit and didn't get all the veggies in that I had wanted to.  Nevermind that, I got the soup on!  It's super low-cal since it's literally chicken broth, seasonings and assorted veggies.  I love it and it'll feed our family dinner and me lunch tomorrow.  It smells great right now, in fact.

Fourth goal of the day is to exercise.  I haven't done that yet, but my sister wants me to come over to do a workout with her on her eliptical and stepper, taking turns.  I have a chic flick to watch while we do it.  Then, since it's BL tonight, I'll do some upper body exercises with my dumbbells while I watch TV.  That's one of my all time favorite things to do all week.  I even borrowed a 101 exercises with dumbbells book from the library because I know so few. 

Fifth goal of the day is to get my 8 hours in.  I don't work on a schedule.  I don't have anyone who checks my work or watches my hours.  I can work up to 40 hours per week.  But, I can work 20 or 30 hours per week, if I want.  If I want, I can delegate most of my work out and not work many hours myself at all.  But, of course that would defeat the purpose of working at all.  And, with hubby being low on hours, I really need to work as much as possible.  I'm at 6 hours right now, so I'm doing pretty good.

Speaking of work and hubby... I ended up blowing up last night (quietly, mostly).  I suggested we split our finances and close our joint account (we already have personal expense accounts).  He wasn't happy with the suggestion at all.  This sparked a 2 hour conversation that included some yelling (from me) and lasted until after 1:00 am.  We sorta resolved things.  We agreed that we wouldn't separate our finances at this point but that he will make an effort to work more hours and I will make an effort not to make comments about his work hours.  Fair enough, if that works.  He was very adult about it, actually.  I guess I'm the emotionally fragile one at the moment and it's good that we're taking turns.

Well, I'm off to my sister's to get our workout in!