If I had written this yesterday...

...here's how it would have read:

First day of new diet program (no eating after 8pm and avoiding trigger foods) went really well.  I only ate about 1000 calories all day and avoided foods that I thought might trigger overeating.  I did get physically hungry about 10 pm cuz I'd had an early dinner, so I made a piece of wheat toast with cream cheese.  I figured that wouldn't trigger me to overeat and would keep me satisfied until I went to sleep.  And it worked! I felt fine afterward and did not eat anything else.  I really wanted a piece of chocolate someone had left on the table next to me, but I didn't give in.  I felt really good about it.

However...

Last night did NOT go well. :(

It started before 8pm.  In fact, I'm not sure if what started me down the wrong path was the facts that by 6pm I was super hungry and then ate what I would consider to be trigger foods (a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream and a sliver of lemon meringue pie) or if the thought at the time that I would probably end up not keeping on program because of getting too hungry and then eating trigger foods was a pre-rationalization for overeating.  Either way, at about 10pm (coincidence? didn't think so) I warmed up an El Pollo Bowl and cut myself a slice of the lemon meringue pie I had been given.

I wasn't even that hungry, physically.  But, as soon as I got home from dinner at my sister's, and knew the pie was in the fridge (brought home by my daughter), I was thinking about food.  I tried reading, cleaning, thinking about something else... but I was obsessed.  And then I had the thought.  The thought that I could just start again tomorrow - that it didn't REALLY matter if I overate THIS ONE NIGHT.  That eating that one night wouldn't mean I would gain back 50 pounds, it wouldn't make that much impact on my weight at all - this ONE meal.

*sigh*

Of course I feel like crap today about it.  And it isn't ONE meal.  It's countless meals and snacks.  Will I ever get control of my eating?