Weight Watchers Meeting

I am typing this on my phone as I sit and wait for my meeting to start. I already weighed in and I am down two pounds this week. Since starting the program five weeks ago I have lost a total of one pound, which is way better than having an overall gain like I'd had last week. This is one of my last meetings. I finally had to cancel my membership knowing I can no longer afford the luxury. Even if my husband does start his new job next week, which I'm still concerned won't actually happen, it will be a while before I get caught up on all the bills. I would rather continue with the program but such is life.

My husband and I were arguing again last night. About money off course. He is acting like somehow everyone else is being unreasonable and once again things are being done to him. He is not responsible and why does everyone have to give him crap all the time. The world is shit and people are shit and he's the only reasonable person he knows with more than two brain cells to rub together. This is his common theme when he is feeling defensive. Again, such is life. There will be drama.

So obviously last week went really well diet wise. Which is awesome considering everything going on but my joy of success is tempered by everything going on. Still I take the win.

Food (and other) Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder what I would think about if I wasn't thinking about food, either the eating of, desire for, calories/fat/carbs/points of, or the food that I can't eat (which is what I think about most).  I don't think I would think about much of anything if all food and diet related thoughts ceased to exist for me.  I might remember that I have more to live for than what I can or cannot eat.  That there is more to life than the next weigh-in or how well my clothes fit.

Not that I think I should just eat what I want to eat and stop thinking about what I cannot eat.  That definitely isn't the answer, as I know too well.  Because even when I stop thinking about what I cannot eat, I continue to think about what I want to eat, and I will do if I allow myself.  I can eat myself to death like a gold fish if I allowed it.  Even when I really, really want something, and then three bites in I find it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be, I will still finish it.  Or when I make something for dinner and it just doesn't taste that great for whatever reason, I'll keep eating it until it's gone. 

But, to stop thinking of food full-stop.  I mean, obviously I want to live so I can't stop eating altogether.  But to have other things at the forefront of my mind rather than food...

Okay that's an exaggeration.  It isn't food ALL the time.  Sometimes I am more worrying about what people are thinking about me.  Like, I have this habit at work of butting into other people's conversations and then I immediately chastise myself for it, because you know my coworkers find it annoying.  I can't seem to stop myself from interjecting when I have something to say, when they are having a conversation three feet away from me.  And do you know why I do this?  I know why I do this:  1.  I want to feel a part of the group (totally normal and natural); 2. I want to feel liked and accepted and so I try to impress with my wealth of knowledge.  I'm not accustomed to being low on the totem pole at work and right now I am.  I was a big fish in a small pond and now I'm a small fish in a big pond and I'm having a little difficulty adjusting.  So, yeah, sometimes I'm thinking about those things.

Or sometimes I'm thinking about things like my conversation with my landlady wherein I have to admit that I'm only going to be able to pay part of the rent and the rest in 2 weeks because my husband hasn't brought in a paycheck in a couple months and he spent half the money he borrowed to help out with the rent.  My landlady's response?  Urging us to move out.  She seriously wanted us to move out THIS WEEKEND.  Uh, yeah, you need money to move.  Not to mention that while I totally sympathize with her concern and I feel like crap about being late with the rent, I AM giving her most of the rent and a post dated check, with an extra $100 thrown in, tomorrow.  And we've never been late before.  So her reaction seems a little extreme to me.  But, whatever, it's her house (we're not moving btw).  Anyway so I feel like crap about that.

So, there are other things to think about, but invariably my thoughts turn to food.  It's like..."wow, that was really crap that she wants us to move and how are we going to get the money to move and I so hate moving and the kids have their friends next door and it isn't like we've been late before and now my husband has a job starting Monday (hopefully) so it isn't like we are going to keep having this problem (hopefully) and I wonder what I will have for dinner.  How many points do I have left? If I eat something salty it will show up on the scale tomorrow.  I should really eat vegetables, because I never eat enough vegetables, but what sounds good? And that isn't going to cost much money? Should I stop at the grocery store on my way home?  Will I give in and buy one of those sugary danishes they always display at the front of the store?  And on and on and on.

I wonder sometimes if thinking about food and dieting and food again isn't some form of escapism for me.  I'd rather think about food than what my coworkers think of me or how difficult it is to fit in or how uncomfortable and awkward I am around other people or how MUCH money we owe and how I'm late in EVERY bill and how are we ever going to catch up and what if my husband doesn't start his new job on Monday, etc. etc. etc.

I really need to get better at meditating and shut all this shit down for a while.

The Fight

Why is it sometimes we just have to spark an argument?  You know it isn't going to solve anything.  You know you are just going to make both you and your spouse miserable, but you just can't stop yourself from saying something.  It really doesn't solve anything.  There's just tension and upset and dislike and bad feelings.

My husband just got a new job and I was relieved because he has been off work for a few weeks.  I've been worried about paying the rent, but he was able to get a loan from his mother, and he was going to start his new job today.  So, I figured I could pay most of the rent with my paycheck and the remainder with the money he got from his mom, and then, before too long, we'd have his first paycheck to tide things over.

However, that's not what happened.  My husband was supposed to start training today (remotely, because he is working a regional area not near any of the company's offices) except that he never completed the new-hire packet that was sent to him A WEEK AGO.  He's been sitting on it, apparently.  And then he was surprised when they wouldn't let him start training today.  Of course they needed him to complete all of the at-will and proof of right to work in the US and confidentiality agreements and everything else before they would just allow him access to the company's system.  So, now he is just mailing the documents tonight (couldn't even get it done before 5) and will have to wait until next week to start his training.

On top of that, he only had half of the money his mother gave him left.  Less than half, actually.  I don't know what he did with the rest of it and I didn't ask, because he would just tell me it isn't any of my business.  Except that now we don't have the full rent to pay.  So, I called the landlord to give her the news (because I'd rather just have her know now than worry about the blowback later) and she is urging me to move to a cheaper place because she doesn't trust my husband.

When my husband hears about my conversation with her (not about that she doesn't trust him, though), he blows up at me and says that I screwed up his handling of her.  He said he had already told her there was the possibility we would be a bit short with the rent, but that we would get it covered.  He thought he was being smart by giving under-promising reality (like she wouldn't figure it out come the first) and then once she did find out then he would handle it again.  She isn't stupid.  She knows his game.  But, how do I have that conversation with him?  He's already unstable. 

This is my life.  And if anyone is thinking that I should just leave and go off on my own, I have kids. And when I did try to leave, the kids were VISITING me.  Because he managed to talk his way around the judge and get primary custody.  Yeah, so that isn't going to happen again.  I'm not visiting my kids.

Bad night and just accomplished nothing but making things more tense and unhappy around here.

On the flip side (since this blog IS about food), I didn't binge on the back of that fight. 

Planned!

I met my first objective - I planned my week's food!  Yesterday, I got on my laptop and came up with a menu for every meal and snack for myself for this week, and then I tracked it all in Weight Watchers so I'd know I was within my daily budget. 

I was a little worried that I would struggle against the restraints of having to eat a certain food at each meal or snack, that I would maybe feel like something different.  But, actually that hasn't been an issue at all.  In fact, it was a welcome relief to not have to decide what to make for dinner tonight, or what to take for lunch today.  There was no opportunity for me to have the dreaded self-argument between what I wanted (something fattening and tasty) and what I should have (something healthy and low-cal).  I came home, made what was on the menu, ate and then cleaned up, easy peasy.

I also did my 20 minutes of exercise, which is my minimum.  I had a headache so I didn't do more than that tonight.  However, I meditated for probably the longest time I've ever meditated.  I was physically numb by the time I tried to stand up, but so, so, so relaxed.  And I needed that relaxed because I came home to an utter wreck of a house and spent my first 30 minutes home yelling at the kids and trying to get the place in some kind of order again.  That and work...

Work...  It's not the kind of work I would be doing if I had a choice.  If I had a choice, I would be a novelist.  Not very novel is it?  Nor is it the kind of job one can train for and then do, just like that.  Nope, it's an arty job, which means you can write and write and write and never make a cent.  Which means you have to have a day job.  Which totally sucks, I don't mind telling you.  I am currently writing my eighth novel, with not a published writing in my entire history (other than like newsletters and stuff).

To be fair, other than short stories, I have never tried to publish.  I always get to the end of a book and then decide it just isn't any good and I just push it to the back of the closet (literally).  Anyway, I'm working on the eighth book and I really do plan on trying to get this one published, or maybe self-publish, but it is a good few months from even having the rough draft done, never mind the edits and rewrites.  A year probably before the entire project is done, if not two years and then...

Maudlin thoughts.

The Reward

Yesterday was my weigh in day at Weight Watchers.  I haven't weighed in for a few weeks.  First because I had done really poorly and hadn't felt like going to a meeting at all.  Then the next meeting, I was still doing poorly so I elected to go to the meeting but not weigh in.  Then the next meeting I missed because I was on vacation.  And the one after that, I again missed because I didn't want to go and face the scale.  So, this is the first weigh in after several weeks of poor eating.  On vacation, I ATE.  I thought I would do better because I was going to be visiting my parents and they are generally pretty conscious about eating well, but apparently not this trip.  We ate out every day, if not twice a day.  Cheesecake Factory and Pizza and out for ice cream sundaes and cafes and just on and on.  Plus there was pie and cake and cookies at the house.  Then there was my daughter's graduation party.  I was probably eating 4000+ calories a day.  For five continuous days.  It was like the gluttony of vacations.

I didn't get back on program until last weekend, so I knew this week's weigh in would have to be up since my last weigh in.  And it was.  I had gained 2.4 pounds.  I know it could be much, much worse considering how much I had eaten.  To gain 2.4 pounds in a month really isn't that bad, all things considered.  However, I was looking over my weight history and since joining in April, I have had one loss week.  I have gained a total of 5 pounds since joining Weight Watchers.  And none of that was because the program isn't any good - it's all down to me not sticking to the program. 

During the meeting, there were a couple girls who were celebrating a goal, and both had lost over 100 pounds.  They were quite emotional, as you can imagine.  And I started thinking about how great it had been when I had got down to 120's.  How great I'd felt and all the clothes I'd bought and the excitement of feeling normal rather than obese.

And then I started thinking about how I had allowed myself to gain 30 pounds in the past year.  30 pounds!!!  It takes months and months of hard, hard work to lose 30 pounds and I had blithely allowed myself to gain that weight back as if it were nothing.  In fact, it took me three years to lose that amount of weight (that's how hard it is for me to lose weight - not just metabolically but my ability to stick to my program) and one year to put it all back.  And there were months when I would sincerely try NOT to gain weight; would try to reverse my downhill momentum so it wasn't an all-out eating fest for an entire year.  But, certainly there were more days than not when I just ate - not caring (at the time) that I was reversing all that hard work and heading for a place I didn't want to be.

So, those are the thoughts that were racing through my head when I got home from Weight Watchers and I was feeling bad about myself.  Trying not to, trying to talk myself around.  But, ultimately it was me who put the weight back on and I'm not happy with me that I did that. 

Yesterday was going well as far as sticking to my program - I did a new workout DVD; rode my bike with the kids to the library; went to my WW meeting; cleaned up around the house and throughout it I ate reasonably.  Last night was a different story. 

It's not until now that I'm thinking about it that I realize I DID IT AGAIN!  I rewarded myself for my efforts throughout the day.  It's like an anti-reward - to reward yourself with food for your weight loss efforts - argh!  The mind is tricky, though.  I didn't actively think "oh I did really well today with my exercise and eating, so I deserve a reward."  I just thought "I have some room in my diet for popcorn because I exercised really well today."  And then I put butter on it (not measured) because I could have butter and it wasn't going to destroy my efforts, not after all that exercise I did (wanna bet?!)  And then I had hot chocolate and that was okay because I did really well today with my exercise and activities... (see the theme here?).  I exercised and burned probably 200 calories.  I then ATE 700 calories as a "reward." 

Objectives for the week:

1.  NO tv - not a movie, not to catch up on my shows, no tv!

2.  Write a daily food plan so that I can't sneak in "rewards."

3.  20 minutes of exercise every day.

4.  Attend a zumba class! (I've been putting this off for literally months.)

5.  No eating after 7:30 pm (when I stick to this objective, my calories are much lower for the day).

6.  Track every day (I did this last week so yay for me)

7.  Forgive myself for regaining 30 pounds.

Here's planning for a good week!

The Brain

I have a guilty pleasure.  Or guilty pleasure isn't exactly right, because I don't feel guilty about it per se.  I just don't normally advertise this particular hobby because I guess I feel like it would invite judgment and disparaging comments.  Anyway, so I enjoy listening to audio psychology books.  And I don't mean self-help books, although I like those too, but I mean actual psychology books, like students use when they are studying psychology.  Not that I understand the more technical ones, but there are plenty of psychology books out there that describe findings in fairly laymen terms.

The reason I am so interested in psychology is because I have suffered from chronic depression since I was a teenager.  I didn't put together until very recently that the primary sources of my depression were:  1.  Negative thought cycles; ruminating; mentally judging and chastising myself; catastrophizing; etc. - and  2. Anxiety fed by a barrage of worries and fears.  The combination of the two have led me to have difficulty socializing; difficulty making and achieving goals; and difficulty trusting myself and the world enough to do challenging and novel things. 

Added to those genetically inherited traits, I grew up with a mother with the same issues, which meant my childhood was filled with negativity, fear and anxiety.  So, not only am I genetically inclined toward being pessimistic, with a poor outlook and high fear but I have learned behavior that reinforced these traits.

So, not surprising that I eventually turned to food and tv or reading as a forms of escape and self-soothing.  I was a finger-sucker as a child, so I was primed for oral self-soothing.

However, that's not what I learned that was so inspiring to me.  What I recently learned is that the brain is highly trainable.  I mean, I had already read/heard about changing the pathways in the brain by thinking a certain way or learning new things, but I figured that while one could make some changes to the brain, primarily it was all pre-set.  Like I am super short and I can't change that.  But, I was apparently wrong, because apparently one can effect a substantial enough change to actually redevelop emotional traits.  How cool is that?  I don't have to be forever pessimistic, depressed and anxious!!

Not that I can just take a pill or snap my fingers and voila! instant change.  Like everything we do that is worth doing, it takes time and tons of practice.  For me, it means actively pursuing positive thoughts, making non-judgmental observations, recognizing thoughts and feelings without reacting to them and practicing meditation, particularly compassion meditation. 

I already know how effective simply monitoring my thoughts can be because I have been practicing redirecting negative thoughts for the past year and a half and I do notice a significant change.  I haven't had a moderate relapse of depression in over a year, which is a huge accomplishment for me.

The point of all this is that I can use the same simple mental practices, with patience, to assist in my recovery from binge eating.  Today, I had a conversation with a client and afterward I felt like it hadn't gone well.  I hadn't prepped myself well enough before the call, hadn't collected my thoughts, and hadn't received a reaction I had been expecting, which threw me off further.  I felt awkward and clumsy and after I hung up I started worrying about the client complaining to my boss.  This is a brand new job for me, so I'm even more paranoid than I would be normally. 

I spent the rest of my workday catching myself ruminating about the conversation and having to redirect my thoughts, but I was having difficulty really letting it go.  After work, I was so hungry and I decided that I deserved Taco Bell.  It's Friday and I've been doing well with my eating and I'd just got through a difficult week at work...

This is the time to stop and really think about what I'm doing.  Obviously, food is not a reward; it is a punishment when used for emotional reasons, because it hurts me for a long time after.  Secondly, I wasn't eating fast food because of a long work week or because it was Friday or because I was hungry, I was choosing to self-soothe because I was still feeling upset about my earlier conversation.  I was reverting to old patterns, and I didn't even recognize that until long after I had finished the food.

Fortunately, I had the presence of mind not to berate myself.  And I didn't way overdo it (I had a soft taco and a bean/cheese burrito with a diet pepsi).  Maybe it was even a good thing, because it gave me the opportunity to really observe the process...something happens to make me feel uncomfortable and I find a way to justify self-soothing with food.  I've been reinforcing that habit for 20 years, so it's going to take longer than a few months to establish new responses to uncomfortable situations.

Furthermore, if my practice with letting go of some of my anxiety works, which I believe it will, I won't be so easily upset or feel so uncomfortable for what really amounts to a non-event.

A Day in Recovery

Another day in the life of recovery.  It went pretty well today.  I went over my daily budget, but that's why I have a weekly budget.  I haven't reached the end of that budget so I should be okay, considering tomorrow is Friday.  I think I'm starting to get myself in a good place.  I feel happy at the moment.  Strangely happy.  I even exercised! 

My husband has been off work for several months, which has been crazy stressful.  However, he just got a job finally yesterday and will start next week.  That is a huge relief and probably part of why I'm feeling so good right now. 

Spaghetti and hunger

So I've been super hungry the last few days while I've been following the program despite trying to fill up on fruits and veggies. I think I need more protein and I think just the knowing I'm on a calorie restriction makes me want to eat more. When I left work today I so wanted to stop for fast food on my way home. I thought if I could just get something small I would feel so much better but I knew that was a slippery slope so I just put my head down and drove home. (Not literally of course.) When I got home I made a big pot of spaghetti for the family and proceeded to eat 2 bowls of it. So yes I'm over my daily number but that's why ww gives you extra weekly points. I don't have to feel like I blew program completely. I still feel good and I'd rather eat too much whole wheat spaghetti with turkey than fast food.

BMI

I was thinking that if someone actually read my blog, what they would think if they saw me writing about weighing a whopping 152 pounds, because it doesn't sound like that much to some.  So, just in case anyone is reading this, and as a reminder to myself:  I am 4'9" tall.  My ideal weight is 105.  My "healthy" weight for my height and gender is 95.  Right.  95.  I don't need 95.  Last time I was at a good size, I was 105 (okay this was 12 years ago, and only a brief 6 months, but still).  So, 105 is my goal.  My BMI is in the Obesity range.

So, anyway, my point is that I need to lose close to 50 pounds.  And that's no small potatoes when you consider that is a third of my weight!

It's strange, because six months ago I wasn't stressing about my weight.  Six months ago, I was still wearing my "skinnier" clothes.  Not my skinniest clothes, because I had gained some weight by then, but certainly my smaller sizes.  I literally grew a dress size each month for the past six months.  I would buy new clothes and by the time I got around to wearing them a second or third time, they already didn't fit.  I have clothes in my closet that still have the price tags because I outgrew them before I got a chance to wear them.  If there was an Olympic sport for rapid weight gain, I would be a gold medal winner.

Enough of that.  It just makes me feel sad and depressed when I think about how I let myself go.  I just gave in to night after night of binge eating. 

Today, however, I can tell that I am starting to reverse the gain to a loss.  How do I know this so soon? Because I'm freakin STARVING!  Nothing says hunger like exercise and diet.  I just ate dinner and I could totally sink a McDonald's meal with a pie for dessert.  I could drink a gallon of coke and eat five candy bars.  I should stop thinking about this.

Part of the problem, with feeling hungry, is that some of it isn't really hunger so much as my stomach juices roiling around.  (Pretty image, eh?)  I'm eating so much raw fruits and vegetables that my stomach is working harder than normal, which means more stomach acid, which makes me feel uncomfortable.  And, as many of us know, when there is stomach discomfort, it can only be treated with eating.

When I was a teenager, I used to get horrible headaches.  Part of the problem was that I would literally go all day without eating.  I was so obsessed with my weight, already, that I would skip breakfast and lunch and when I got home from school I would exercise before I would eat anything.  Yeah, I wasn't the brightest kid in the world.  This is what set me up for bingeing, because once I started eating in the evenings I couldn't stop.  And lo and behold, once I started eating, my headache would ease.  So, I also began to equate eating to feeling better physically.  It started a vicious cycle that has been haunting me ever since.  Now I am 38 and I still struggle, every day, against wanting to binge.  If I let myself fall off the wagon, I can easily consume a few thousand calories in one sitting.  And, on someone as lacking in stature as I am, I already don't need very many calories to survive.  Add to that the fact that a very full stomach does not feel like moving, and I had myself a lot of calories and no where for them to go but on my less than petite ass. 

Anyway, tonight is going to be tough.  The biggest battle is not settling myself in front of the TV, because I CANNOT watch TV without immediately wanting to eat.  And I already want something to eat so watching TV would absolutely ruin me.  No TV.  Go for walk.  Have fruit and milk as snack.  Go to bed early.  I can make it!

Successes Happen in Small Steps

Yesterday was a success day.  Not only did I exercise, make my plan and track my food, I stayed on Program as well.  I didn't eat after 7:30 pm, which is part of my new strategy, and I stayed within my food budget.  I felt good.  I wrote in my journal and kept myself focused and busy in the evening.  Win-win. 

Today has been a good day as well.  I tracked my food thus far.  I worked more on my plan this morning.  I am writing in my blog.  And I joined a couple groups to help keep me busy in the evenings and on weekends.  Having something to do and look forward to helps me a lot.  I spend too much time just going to work, running errands and otherwise being at home.  I almost never have any social plans; mostly because we only just moved to the area and I haven't made any friends yet.  Isn't it funny, how we are still worrying about making friends 20 years after we are out of school?  It really never ends, does it?  Well, probably not for everyone - some are blessed early in life with good friends or don't move away to new areas where they have to meet new people.  My husband and I have moved around so much in the last 5 years that we just haven't been able to form friendships.  It isn't helped by the fact that we are not spiritual in the traditional sense, so church-going is not our thing.

Anyway, I'm working on that.  I joined a book club and a mom's group for working moms.  Hopefully I'll make some good acquaintances, if nothing else.

I also bought the necessary materials to plan my week, including with my to-do calendar and my food list.  I will know what I'll be eating each day, so that question is no longer an issue.  Tonight we will eat tuna sandwiches and salad - simple and yummy.

Back and Fat and Ready to Start Again

I agree, I shouldn't use such derogatory terms, including about myself.  However, it is true that I am way up in pounds since I stopped blogging.  Not since I stopped, because I got down to an all-time low of 124 pounds.  Yep, super low for me.  I was wearing sexy clothes and popping high heels and feeling pretty damn good for a while. 

Last spring I weighed 124 pounds, after dieting and exercising and doing the up/down, two-step for years.  Literally years!  I started out at 184 pounds in 2008 and in 2012, I had lost 60 pounds!  That's awesome!

So, what is the problem now, you may be wondering.  How much could I have gained in one year?  Surely, I'm not that high from what I was last year.

Or maybe you know exactly how quickly one can re-gain weight that was previously lost.  Even weight that was lost more than a year before.  I haven't re-gained all 60 pounds.  I have to remember that.  But, I am officially up to 152 pounds.  Yep, a 28 pound gain in one year.  More than I weighed when I stopped blogging in 2011.

But, that's the past and I can only move forward.  I have thought a lot about why I've been gaining weight in the past year and the problem is that I just haven't been truly motivated to stay thinner.  I have good reasons for wanting to be thinner - such as being healthier, being able to move around easier, having more clothing options, feeling better about myself, etc.  But, these are apparently not strong enough motivators to fight my desire to eat lots and lots of unhealthy, fattening food.  And to wallow on the couch, too full to so much as get up and go for a walk.  This is the trend I have been on for months and it is no good for me at all.

I need a plan.  I joined Weight Watchers (for like the third time) a couple months ago.  The first weigh-in I had lost two pounds.  The second and third weigh-ins I had gained weight.  I then stopped weighing in, and then stopped going to the meetings.  I haven't tracked in a couple weeks.  It's time to get back on program.  It couldn't be easier, with having the app on my phone.  I enjoy the meetings this time around because the leader is really good - down to earth and personable, but also funny and interesting.

I need a plan, so I can avoid my pitfalls.  Like, watching TV.  Watching TV is the worst thing I can be doing.  I just sit and eat and eat and sit and I literally am gaining weight every evening doing this.  On the few evenings I avoid sitting in front of the TV, I eat far less.  So, no TV.  No TV!!!  It doesn't matter if it is morning or night, I cannot be watching TV!

1.   No TV - or minimal TV at the least.  No eating in front of the TV, at all.
2.   Plan my meals the day before - breakfast, lunch and dinner
3.   Always have food in the house so I don't resort to fast food.
4.   Stick to my plan - track, track, track
5.   Have clear-cut goals.  Remind myself why I want to lose weight.
6.   Remind myself this is a process
7.   Get thee to the gym!
8.   Plan my week so I know what I will be doing in the evenings after work.
9.   Find ways to enjoy the process - like trying new food, going to new places, meeting people
10. Reward without food.

So, that's a starting point, right?  Every moment of every day I make a decision for the next moment.  We make so many decisions every day - a lot of them impulsive.  If we are accustomed to a certain way of thinking and deciding, when we are tired or distracted or upset, we will go the accustomed route.  I have to change my route and leave myself with less opportunities to make the same counter-productive choices I've been making.  It's time to rewire my brain.