I did Yoga again today, this time from a book I've had for a few weeks that shows some of the easier poses. This way I can take my time to try to twist my body into something resembling the picture and then hold it for a few seconds. My back hurts. It's way harder than it looks. My muscles were burning and shaking on some of the poses. Others, it just hurt to position myself that way. Still others were fine. I don't like the human pretzel poses but I do like the balancing poses, because it feels a little like a game, like we would play when we were kids on the school ground. (I don't know who I am referring to in the "we.")
As part of my trying to enjoy life more, which includes adding laughter to my life, I've been listening to an Ellen DeGeneres audio book on my drives to and fro work, and it is laugh-out-loud funny. I really don't want to re-tell some of her jokes on here, because I don't have comedic timing and you wouldn't enjoy it without actually listening to her tell it, but this is a type of therapy I can enjoy.
So, since I don't tend to feel like doing anything, and I honestly believe that I need to put in more of what I want out of life, I'm going to break my blog down a bit. So, here's how I want to do it:
1. My Mindful Moment: Today I had a mindful moment when I was driving home and I noticed how the grass went from really green to really brown in just a few yards. I stopped thinking about other stuff and just noticed the grass, for a moment.
2. My Do It Anyway Moment: I stopped by the store and got milk even though I really didn't want to. (Okay, I had the added motivation of also getting brownie mix, but still.)
3. My Exercise Minutes (because I want to do more than a moment): Yoga (see above) I also plan on a short walk this evening (after the brownies because THAT will work off those calories).
4. My I Like Myself Moment: I received a rather snooty email from a coworker and rather than respond to it equally snooty, I just responded by saying thank you, quite nicely.
So that's it. Those are my moments (and minutes). Incidentally, I'm up to 385 minutes toward my 500 minutes of exercise goal. A bit short of the mark for my average daily, but well within shooting distance to reach my goal of 500 minutes on Saturday.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
What Will Be Different Tomorrow?
I spend a lot of my life thinking, "I'll start this tomorrow" or "I'll do this tomorrow" or next week or next month or next Monday, etc. I often procrastinate doing something now because I don't feel like doing it. Either I'm tired or moody or feeling down or stressed from my day. I'm out of discipline, drive, energy, focus, etc. Somehow I magically think that tomorrow or the next day or next week or at some point in the near future, I will magically wake up energized and enthused and wanting to whatever hard task I want to get done. This is anywhere from finishing a cleaning project to exercising and eating a healthy diet. I will be sitting on the couch watching TV, knowing I should get up and go tidy the kitchen or make a nutritious meal or clean the bathroom or work on my book, but I just don't feel like doing it at that moment.
Today, I already blogged about sleeping in late and being lazy and unmotivated for the last couple days. I have been dragging around this listless person who really doesn't want to do anything. Not even the activities I normally enjoy, such as reading and writing or working on an art project. Nothing sounds appealing or enjoyable.
I have had a yoga/mindfulness CD for the past couple weeks that I hadn't even listened to yet. I finally popped that in this afternoon and did Part 1 of the yoga practice, which was 45 minutes in length. First, I wanted to stop it before it was done because I was feeling bored and restless, but I wouldn't let myself. I was going to do the entire 45 minute practice, no matter what. And it wasn't difficult; in fact it was a very easy practice. There were only a couple poses that had my muscles shaking with the effort. It was a lot of sitting with the breath and just being in the moment.
When it was over, I was so happy with myself for having done it, because I honestly hadn't felt like doing it. I hadn't been in the mood or motivated at all. I only did it out of sheer willpower to not completely waste the day as I had yesterday. And I was proud for having accomplished something.
Then it struck me, I will never feel like doing whatever it is I want to do. I will feel tomorrow exactly how I feel today. I will feel as tired and unmotivated as I do right now. There is no difference between today and tomorrow in my level of energy and motivation. I keep thinking somehow I will get the energy and motivation, just wake up with it, but it just doesn't work that way. Whatever you put in, you get out. So, if I'm putting in no energy into my life, I'm not going to get any out. If I put no discipline in my life, I'm not going to be disciplined. If I'm not motivating myself, I'm not going to be motivated. If I'm lazy, then I will feel lazy. If I'm unmotivated, I will feel unmotivated. If I think negatively, I will feel negatively. Momentum isn't self-creating. It takes external force to create momentum, and I am the only one who can provide myself that external force.
If I want to accomplish anything, I have to do. Reading is not doing. Thinking about it is not doing. Planning to do it is not doing. I have to actual do the thing, no matter how I feel.
Today, I already blogged about sleeping in late and being lazy and unmotivated for the last couple days. I have been dragging around this listless person who really doesn't want to do anything. Not even the activities I normally enjoy, such as reading and writing or working on an art project. Nothing sounds appealing or enjoyable.
I have had a yoga/mindfulness CD for the past couple weeks that I hadn't even listened to yet. I finally popped that in this afternoon and did Part 1 of the yoga practice, which was 45 minutes in length. First, I wanted to stop it before it was done because I was feeling bored and restless, but I wouldn't let myself. I was going to do the entire 45 minute practice, no matter what. And it wasn't difficult; in fact it was a very easy practice. There were only a couple poses that had my muscles shaking with the effort. It was a lot of sitting with the breath and just being in the moment.
When it was over, I was so happy with myself for having done it, because I honestly hadn't felt like doing it. I hadn't been in the mood or motivated at all. I only did it out of sheer willpower to not completely waste the day as I had yesterday. And I was proud for having accomplished something.
Then it struck me, I will never feel like doing whatever it is I want to do. I will feel tomorrow exactly how I feel today. I will feel as tired and unmotivated as I do right now. There is no difference between today and tomorrow in my level of energy and motivation. I keep thinking somehow I will get the energy and motivation, just wake up with it, but it just doesn't work that way. Whatever you put in, you get out. So, if I'm putting in no energy into my life, I'm not going to get any out. If I put no discipline in my life, I'm not going to be disciplined. If I'm not motivating myself, I'm not going to be motivated. If I'm lazy, then I will feel lazy. If I'm unmotivated, I will feel unmotivated. If I think negatively, I will feel negatively. Momentum isn't self-creating. It takes external force to create momentum, and I am the only one who can provide myself that external force.
If I want to accomplish anything, I have to do. Reading is not doing. Thinking about it is not doing. Planning to do it is not doing. I have to actual do the thing, no matter how I feel.
Practicing can be hard
So, yesterday I had to go to Urgent Care in the morning for a suspected UTI. I don't have insurance so that was a costly endeavor but needs must. I asked the doctor to take me off work for a couple days to allow time for the antibiotics to reduce the symptoms, which he agreed. Honestly, I didn't need the time off from work because the symptoms were uncomfortable, not painful. I could easily have worked through them, but I didn't want to go to work full stop. So, I asked for the time off and was granted the time off. It was a relief to not have to go to work. However, I know that I should be at work for multiple reasons: 1. I need to be earning income; 2. It is a new job and missing so much work isn't going to reflect well on me, and may even cause me to lose the job altogether; 3. All I did spending the day at home was to watching endless tv and eat, which is exactly what I don't want to be doing.
This morning, I didn't finally get out of bed until 11 am. I woke up numerous times between 7 and 11, I just kept allowing myself to go back to sleep because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. It isn't unusual for me to not want to get out of bed, but I tend to not allow myself to stay in bed past 9am, just because I don't like how I feel if I stay in bed too long. Plus, I used to really struggle against sleeping through until late morning or early afternoon and it took me a long time to break that habit. I don't like to get up after 8am, really, but I don't freak at 9am. At 11am, I feel a little freaked about.
So, basically I'm eating badly (insofar as I'm eating things that don't make me feel energized and healthy); I'm sleeping too much; I'm not being productive; I'm losing money; and I'm jeopardizing a new job. The trick is not to berate or badger myself about it, to accept the current reality, and move on from it. Every moment offers a choice and I can choose to continue as I have (such as go into the living room and turn on the tv and spend the rest of the day there) or I can do something different, like maybe tidy up the kitchen or work on my book.
This morning, I didn't finally get out of bed until 11 am. I woke up numerous times between 7 and 11, I just kept allowing myself to go back to sleep because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. It isn't unusual for me to not want to get out of bed, but I tend to not allow myself to stay in bed past 9am, just because I don't like how I feel if I stay in bed too long. Plus, I used to really struggle against sleeping through until late morning or early afternoon and it took me a long time to break that habit. I don't like to get up after 8am, really, but I don't freak at 9am. At 11am, I feel a little freaked about.
So, basically I'm eating badly (insofar as I'm eating things that don't make me feel energized and healthy); I'm sleeping too much; I'm not being productive; I'm losing money; and I'm jeopardizing a new job. The trick is not to berate or badger myself about it, to accept the current reality, and move on from it. Every moment offers a choice and I can choose to continue as I have (such as go into the living room and turn on the tv and spend the rest of the day there) or I can do something different, like maybe tidy up the kitchen or work on my book.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Migraines
I have suffered from chronic migraines since I was in high school, although they weren't finally diagnosed as such until a few years ago. I'm usually fine because I have imitrex to take at the onset of a migraine and the head pain magically disappears. On occasion, I would need to take a second imitrex the following day or would have to take two in one day to kill a particularly severe migraine. Generally, however, when I get a migraine about once a week, I take an imitrex and that is that.
Prior to the diagnosis and prescription of imitrex, my life was somewhat ruled by my headaches. I was taking OTC pain relievers almost daily because once the headache would start, I could only minimize the pain as much as possible until it finally self-resolved days later. Since I would get a headache about once a week, it meant that most days I was managing pain. When they got particularly bad, I would go to the doctor where I would be diagnosed with sinusitis and given a prescription for codeine or vicodin. I would take sinus headache relievers and the codeine or vicodin to try to manage my pain. This is how I spent most of my 20s and 30s.
Since finding the magic pill, I really haven't had to worry too much about pain management in terms of my headaches. Until now. Since I changed jobs a couple months ago, I don't currently have medical insurance. The imitrex costs $300 without insurance, for 9 pills. And that's the generic version! Unfortunately, although I do have a refill on my imitrex, I don't have $300 since my husband still hasn't received his first paycheck. I'm playing catch-up on my car payment and I was finally able to get some groceries into the house on my last paycheck, but there certainly isn't a spare $300 for my imitrex.
I currently have a headache, although it isn't yet bad. I know my triggers (lack of sleep, weather changes, hormonal changes, skipping meals) and this time it's hormonal so not much I can do about it. It isn't bad right now, but I know it can get bad over time. Usually my headaches start out fairly mild for the first day, with increased pain the second day to nearly intolerable pain by the third day. I'm worried, but all I can do is try to take care of myself the best I can and not overdo the OTC medication. Too much OTC medication can actually have the reverse effect, significantly increasing headache pain by causing a rebound headache.
Anyway, that's where my head is today. I'm not struggling too much with NOT thinking about food because I'm thinking about my headache (although I have looked up which foods to eat and which to avoid for migraines :)
Exercise will have to be light since migraines are worsened with exertion. Hoping it isn't going to be a difficult day.
Prior to the diagnosis and prescription of imitrex, my life was somewhat ruled by my headaches. I was taking OTC pain relievers almost daily because once the headache would start, I could only minimize the pain as much as possible until it finally self-resolved days later. Since I would get a headache about once a week, it meant that most days I was managing pain. When they got particularly bad, I would go to the doctor where I would be diagnosed with sinusitis and given a prescription for codeine or vicodin. I would take sinus headache relievers and the codeine or vicodin to try to manage my pain. This is how I spent most of my 20s and 30s.
Since finding the magic pill, I really haven't had to worry too much about pain management in terms of my headaches. Until now. Since I changed jobs a couple months ago, I don't currently have medical insurance. The imitrex costs $300 without insurance, for 9 pills. And that's the generic version! Unfortunately, although I do have a refill on my imitrex, I don't have $300 since my husband still hasn't received his first paycheck. I'm playing catch-up on my car payment and I was finally able to get some groceries into the house on my last paycheck, but there certainly isn't a spare $300 for my imitrex.
I currently have a headache, although it isn't yet bad. I know my triggers (lack of sleep, weather changes, hormonal changes, skipping meals) and this time it's hormonal so not much I can do about it. It isn't bad right now, but I know it can get bad over time. Usually my headaches start out fairly mild for the first day, with increased pain the second day to nearly intolerable pain by the third day. I'm worried, but all I can do is try to take care of myself the best I can and not overdo the OTC medication. Too much OTC medication can actually have the reverse effect, significantly increasing headache pain by causing a rebound headache.
Anyway, that's where my head is today. I'm not struggling too much with NOT thinking about food because I'm thinking about my headache (although I have looked up which foods to eat and which to avoid for migraines :)
Exercise will have to be light since migraines are worsened with exertion. Hoping it isn't going to be a difficult day.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
A Re-vamp
I've decided that I'm tired of the merry-go-round. I'm tired of trying to eat well and lose weight and then feeling disappointed when I over-eat and gain weight instead. I'm tired of feeling let down by myself; of having no faith in myself; and in the continuous barrage of "why can't I... why don't I... what can I do?..." I've asked myself so many times "what next? what will work?" that it is like a mantra. I'm not even entirely conscious any more of these questions, they happen so frequently.
It has to stop, because honestly this is now how I want to spend the rest of my life and that is where I am headed. I always think about my grandma in times like this - she struggled with her weight her entire life. She was easily 100 pounds overweight as long as I had known her, even though she was *always* on a diet. When she was in her 70s she suffered a major heart attack and ended up in rehab for months. The thing I always remember about that is when she finally recovered her cognition, the thing she kept saying was how she had finally lost weight while she was too sick to eat. She was so happy to have lost that weight!! She dieted up until the day of her death, always dissatisfied she herself. She always talked down about herself, never believing that she was worthwhile or smart or interesting or someone other people would want to be around. She always acted like she was an imposition on everyone around her, just for being alive. This is not how I want to feel about myself!
I have been reading the self-compassion diet book and on the one hand it does seem different to other diet books, but on the other, it is exactly the same. Do this and you will lose weight. Follow these recommendations and the weight will melt off by itself.
I have spent so much of my life thinking about food and diet and calories in and calories out and fat and eat this but don't eat that. My weight has gone up and down and up and down so that I always have at least 10 different sizes in my closet. I am either happy with myself because I'm sticking to whatever plan I have going at the moment, or I'm miserably stuffing my face every evening and then castrating myself the next morning for being so weak and pathetic.
I want off this ride!!!
So, that's why I've decided that I'm just done. I will continue to work on getting fit and I will continue to work being more accepting of myself. I will still strive for being healthy and eating healthy foods. But, I'm done dieting. I'm not going to diet or count calories or read weight loss books again. I'm done.
It has to stop, because honestly this is now how I want to spend the rest of my life and that is where I am headed. I always think about my grandma in times like this - she struggled with her weight her entire life. She was easily 100 pounds overweight as long as I had known her, even though she was *always* on a diet. When she was in her 70s she suffered a major heart attack and ended up in rehab for months. The thing I always remember about that is when she finally recovered her cognition, the thing she kept saying was how she had finally lost weight while she was too sick to eat. She was so happy to have lost that weight!! She dieted up until the day of her death, always dissatisfied she herself. She always talked down about herself, never believing that she was worthwhile or smart or interesting or someone other people would want to be around. She always acted like she was an imposition on everyone around her, just for being alive. This is not how I want to feel about myself!
I have been reading the self-compassion diet book and on the one hand it does seem different to other diet books, but on the other, it is exactly the same. Do this and you will lose weight. Follow these recommendations and the weight will melt off by itself.
I have spent so much of my life thinking about food and diet and calories in and calories out and fat and eat this but don't eat that. My weight has gone up and down and up and down so that I always have at least 10 different sizes in my closet. I am either happy with myself because I'm sticking to whatever plan I have going at the moment, or I'm miserably stuffing my face every evening and then castrating myself the next morning for being so weak and pathetic.
I want off this ride!!!
So, that's why I've decided that I'm just done. I will continue to work on getting fit and I will continue to work being more accepting of myself. I will still strive for being healthy and eating healthy foods. But, I'm done dieting. I'm not going to diet or count calories or read weight loss books again. I'm done.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Eating - And Eating Some More
I can honestly say that I have been sticking to my goal of exercising every day. I am up to 150 minutes toward my goal! I feel good about that.
On the other hand, my eating... I did well for two 'whole' days and then for the past two days... Not that I want to label my days "good" or "bad" based on my eating, but I would like to be able to say that I'm not binge eating. And while I'm not binge eating as badly as I used to binge eat, I'm still eating more than I need to eat. KNOWINGLY eating more than I need to eat. I'm full, recognize I'm full, and still I eat.
Sometimes, like right now, I feel like it won't matter how many books I read or how much I meditate or exercise or try to 'fix' myself, I will never be free of this demon.
I wish I didn't feel this way about myself.
Still, I have to shake myself out of this self-pity party. There's nothing for me to 'fix' and thinking that way only leads to more over-eating. I am working on being gentler and more compassionate with myself. For instance, maybe I did eat more than I needed to eat, but it happens and it's already in the past and I can just move on and strive to do better right now and tomorrow. At least I stopped and didn't continue. At least I'm eating less than I had before. At least I recognize when I am doing it and not eating mindlessly. Based on what I've read, this acknowledgement is considered part of the planning to make a change. Like change happens in steps and if you take the time and allow yourself to go through the steps, if you just have patience that you will get to the other side, then the change will happen. Forcing change too soon can cause a backfire (apparently). I've spent 20 years creating the neural paths that lead me to overeat, so give myself a break in making new neural paths. It isn't easy.
On the other hand, my eating... I did well for two 'whole' days and then for the past two days... Not that I want to label my days "good" or "bad" based on my eating, but I would like to be able to say that I'm not binge eating. And while I'm not binge eating as badly as I used to binge eat, I'm still eating more than I need to eat. KNOWINGLY eating more than I need to eat. I'm full, recognize I'm full, and still I eat.
Sometimes, like right now, I feel like it won't matter how many books I read or how much I meditate or exercise or try to 'fix' myself, I will never be free of this demon.
I wish I didn't feel this way about myself.
Still, I have to shake myself out of this self-pity party. There's nothing for me to 'fix' and thinking that way only leads to more over-eating. I am working on being gentler and more compassionate with myself. For instance, maybe I did eat more than I needed to eat, but it happens and it's already in the past and I can just move on and strive to do better right now and tomorrow. At least I stopped and didn't continue. At least I'm eating less than I had before. At least I recognize when I am doing it and not eating mindlessly. Based on what I've read, this acknowledgement is considered part of the planning to make a change. Like change happens in steps and if you take the time and allow yourself to go through the steps, if you just have patience that you will get to the other side, then the change will happen. Forcing change too soon can cause a backfire (apparently). I've spent 20 years creating the neural paths that lead me to overeat, so give myself a break in making new neural paths. It isn't easy.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sunday Blues
My Sunday blues start pretty much first thing in the morning, which totally sucks because that means I spend half my weekend being blue-y. I want to enjoy my weekends, not feel all downcast and dreading the next day. Well, something to work at.
Today was chill (mostly because I have absolutely no money and it was boiling hot outside). I watched The Host, which was eh, especially as I had already read the book. I did some housecleaning (fun stuff) and read the book I've been writing, which is about 1/3 complete. It's not bad. Obvious things to fix but the plot itself is fine. Just minor wording changes and a couple scenes to alter to be a little more realistic. My heroine is a bit of a drama queen and I want to scale that back just a tiny bit. Especially when she's around a certain guy at work. Otherwise she will seem 14 instead of 34.
Anyway, so now it's Sunday evening and I'm not sure what to do with myself for the next couple hours. I really don't feel like reading anymore. And I'm still trying to think of the next scene for my book. I guess I could meditate for a bit. I already did my exercises (yay me!) for 35 minutes. I'm now up to 115 minutes, woohoo! Doing good there.
Still practicing my mindful eating, for the most part. I did eat some popcorn while I was in front of the TV, both last night and today, but otherwise I've been paying attention to my food. I had cottage cheese for breakfast, which was too salty. That's all I could taste, was the salt I put on it. So, a little lighter on the salt next time. I wonder if I tend to over-salt and over-sweeten things and didn't even realize it.
Lunch was a small serving of pasta and cheese. It was okay. Frozen stuff so not great. Passable if that's all there is to eat (which was not far off from reality). I had the popcorn for a snack and for dinner I've made spaghetti. (I know, more pasta! But lots of veggies and ground turkey in it, so not unhealthy and the pasta is wheat.) I had to make dinner early because hubby is working a night case at the moment, so I wanted to have it done before he left.
I think I'm really thirsty and I've been bad with the water intake today, so I'm going to try to drink a gallon of it before I eat dinner.
And that's all I've got.
Today was chill (mostly because I have absolutely no money and it was boiling hot outside). I watched The Host, which was eh, especially as I had already read the book. I did some housecleaning (fun stuff) and read the book I've been writing, which is about 1/3 complete. It's not bad. Obvious things to fix but the plot itself is fine. Just minor wording changes and a couple scenes to alter to be a little more realistic. My heroine is a bit of a drama queen and I want to scale that back just a tiny bit. Especially when she's around a certain guy at work. Otherwise she will seem 14 instead of 34.
Anyway, so now it's Sunday evening and I'm not sure what to do with myself for the next couple hours. I really don't feel like reading anymore. And I'm still trying to think of the next scene for my book. I guess I could meditate for a bit. I already did my exercises (yay me!) for 35 minutes. I'm now up to 115 minutes, woohoo! Doing good there.
Still practicing my mindful eating, for the most part. I did eat some popcorn while I was in front of the TV, both last night and today, but otherwise I've been paying attention to my food. I had cottage cheese for breakfast, which was too salty. That's all I could taste, was the salt I put on it. So, a little lighter on the salt next time. I wonder if I tend to over-salt and over-sweeten things and didn't even realize it.
Lunch was a small serving of pasta and cheese. It was okay. Frozen stuff so not great. Passable if that's all there is to eat (which was not far off from reality). I had the popcorn for a snack and for dinner I've made spaghetti. (I know, more pasta! But lots of veggies and ground turkey in it, so not unhealthy and the pasta is wheat.) I had to make dinner early because hubby is working a night case at the moment, so I wanted to have it done before he left.
I think I'm really thirsty and I've been bad with the water intake today, so I'm going to try to drink a gallon of it before I eat dinner.
And that's all I've got.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Joined an Online Support Group
I just joined the fitness goal support group on daily strength. Just to have a little extra accountability and motivation toward my goal.
Currently, with regard to my eating, I am trying the mindful eating approach. This is part eat while not distracted and part taste what you are actually eating (to fully satisfy your senses) and part recognizing when you are full so you don't overeat. This is a hard one for me because I HATE not doing something while eating - whether it's reading, playing with my phone, watching tv, having a conversation, anything so I don't feel bored. Which is kinda weird, when I think about it, because why would eating be boring while also being all I think about?
So, I sat down undistracted to eat my dinner last night of black beans, rice, cilantro and spinach. It was okay. The rice was a bit underdone and the beans (canned and seasoned) were too salty, but otherwise it was alright. I didn't feel hungry when I was done, nor did I want any more. In fact, I didn't eat again last night which was awesome. (I also didn't watch TV.)
This morning I had my coffee while on my computer, but still paused enough to notice that I had over-sweetened it. At one time I was able to drink coffee unsweetened but over time I started adding some sugar back in until now I'm back up to where I started. Too sweet!! Now I need to start going back the other way again.
I then ate my breakfast sitting on my bed, with no distractions. First, a Dannon Light Greek Yogurt, Raspberry flavored. This is one of those yogurts with artificial sweetener to keep the calories low. It was...gross! I can't believe I've been eating this crap and never noticed how artificial and chemically it tastes! I could not finish it. I just threw the rest away. I've obviously really been distracting myself from the taste of this stuff, because otherwise how have I been able to eat it?? Next was a low-fat cheese stick. I'm trying to eat lots of protein because I read that protein reduces the amount of ghrelin in your system (which is the hormone that makes us feel hungry - to read more about it go here: http://www.raysahelian.com/ghrelin.html). The cheese stick was okay and definitely eatable. It was a little rubbery and the taste was a bit flat, possibly because of the processing for reducing fat content. Lastly, I ate a banana. It was actually too sweet as well. Normally I eat a multi-grain English muffin with 1 tbsp. of natural peanut butter and a sliced apple. I think the apple is much less sweet than a banana. This banana was already pretty ripe and I actually prefer the greener bananas so maybe that's why, because they do taste sweeter with age. I've always thought of myself as a major sweet-aholic but maybe that isn't necessarily the case?
I'm actually interested in how my next meal goes - I feel like I'm starting to learn what I actually do and do not like to eat, which is weird because I always thought I knew. Could just be on this particular morning this is what I want or don't want. I guess I'll have to keep this practice up to see.
Currently, with regard to my eating, I am trying the mindful eating approach. This is part eat while not distracted and part taste what you are actually eating (to fully satisfy your senses) and part recognizing when you are full so you don't overeat. This is a hard one for me because I HATE not doing something while eating - whether it's reading, playing with my phone, watching tv, having a conversation, anything so I don't feel bored. Which is kinda weird, when I think about it, because why would eating be boring while also being all I think about?
So, I sat down undistracted to eat my dinner last night of black beans, rice, cilantro and spinach. It was okay. The rice was a bit underdone and the beans (canned and seasoned) were too salty, but otherwise it was alright. I didn't feel hungry when I was done, nor did I want any more. In fact, I didn't eat again last night which was awesome. (I also didn't watch TV.)
This morning I had my coffee while on my computer, but still paused enough to notice that I had over-sweetened it. At one time I was able to drink coffee unsweetened but over time I started adding some sugar back in until now I'm back up to where I started. Too sweet!! Now I need to start going back the other way again.
I then ate my breakfast sitting on my bed, with no distractions. First, a Dannon Light Greek Yogurt, Raspberry flavored. This is one of those yogurts with artificial sweetener to keep the calories low. It was...gross! I can't believe I've been eating this crap and never noticed how artificial and chemically it tastes! I could not finish it. I just threw the rest away. I've obviously really been distracting myself from the taste of this stuff, because otherwise how have I been able to eat it?? Next was a low-fat cheese stick. I'm trying to eat lots of protein because I read that protein reduces the amount of ghrelin in your system (which is the hormone that makes us feel hungry - to read more about it go here: http://www.raysahelian.com/ghrelin.html). The cheese stick was okay and definitely eatable. It was a little rubbery and the taste was a bit flat, possibly because of the processing for reducing fat content. Lastly, I ate a banana. It was actually too sweet as well. Normally I eat a multi-grain English muffin with 1 tbsp. of natural peanut butter and a sliced apple. I think the apple is much less sweet than a banana. This banana was already pretty ripe and I actually prefer the greener bananas so maybe that's why, because they do taste sweeter with age. I've always thought of myself as a major sweet-aholic but maybe that isn't necessarily the case?
I'm actually interested in how my next meal goes - I feel like I'm starting to learn what I actually do and do not like to eat, which is weird because I always thought I knew. Could just be on this particular morning this is what I want or don't want. I guess I'll have to keep this practice up to see.
Friday, July 19, 2013
500 Minutes
I'm constantly reading books to try to help myself with my goals - not just weight loss but my writing and exercising, self-compassion and social anxiety. I read recently of a person who spent so much time thinking of ways to improve that she had analysis paralysis and I was like "That's me!" Not that I have stopped the reading and analyzing :)
So, in my current book for making your goals finally happen, the writer suggests making a doable small goal toward your bigger goal. So I am making a goal of exercising for 500 minutes by August 3, 2013. That's two weeks. Which means more than 30 minutes per day. Or, to be more precise, an average of 35.71 minutes per day. I can do that! I mean, I haven't been doing nearly that, but I can do it. I'm physically and mentally capable of achieving that goal. And it's a difficult enough goal that I will feel like I really accomplished something while also being short term enough for me to maintain the momentum.
The reason I decided to do an exercise goal is because another book I've been reading (I've got 4 going at the moment) suggested thinking back to the last time you achieved a goal and what it took to get there. Thinking back to all of the times I successfully lost weight, even if just 5% of my body weight, it always started with exercising. In fact, really thinking back and considering it, I would start exercising and within a couple weeks I would get motivated to eat better and while I stuck to my exercise, I continued my weight loss. Not all steady as she goes, consistent weight loss (me? consistent? ha!) but, you know, that up and down two-step that eventually equates to weight loss, like the sputtering engine of an old car that finally catches, but still occasionally sputters and shudders and shakes. That's how I lose weight - like a car from 1910. And I don't go faster than 25 MPH either. And I have trouble going up the hills.
Anyway, so I have my goal and I have my calendar on which to monitor my goal and I have my commitment (read above) and I have a plan. I come home from work and I exercise, before I do anything else. Walk, bike, exercise dvd, yoga, pilates, gym (if I remember how to get there), whatever strikes my fancy on that particular day. And for the weekends, I can do whatever whenever, as long as I do it. I can even work up a few extra minutes to make my weekday workouts a little shorter, if I want.
After I'm all done and have met my goal, I'm going to bake a cake. (Yes! A cake!) Okay, I know that we're not supposed to reward ourselves with food, but you know what? I think food is important and I think we CAN reward ourselves with food, but in moderation. I mean, everything is motivated by food, right? Animals are motivated by food. Kids and babies are motivated by food. Why can't overweight people share that same joy in living? Let us eat cake!! (Just not the whole thing.) I mean, really, I haven't been able to eat something really, really yummy completely guilt free in two decades. Two decades!!! And where has that gotten me? Not a size 2 I can tell you! It's time to put away old thoughts and try something new - like eating what I actually want.
So that's my plan.
So, in my current book for making your goals finally happen, the writer suggests making a doable small goal toward your bigger goal. So I am making a goal of exercising for 500 minutes by August 3, 2013. That's two weeks. Which means more than 30 minutes per day. Or, to be more precise, an average of 35.71 minutes per day. I can do that! I mean, I haven't been doing nearly that, but I can do it. I'm physically and mentally capable of achieving that goal. And it's a difficult enough goal that I will feel like I really accomplished something while also being short term enough for me to maintain the momentum.
The reason I decided to do an exercise goal is because another book I've been reading (I've got 4 going at the moment) suggested thinking back to the last time you achieved a goal and what it took to get there. Thinking back to all of the times I successfully lost weight, even if just 5% of my body weight, it always started with exercising. In fact, really thinking back and considering it, I would start exercising and within a couple weeks I would get motivated to eat better and while I stuck to my exercise, I continued my weight loss. Not all steady as she goes, consistent weight loss (me? consistent? ha!) but, you know, that up and down two-step that eventually equates to weight loss, like the sputtering engine of an old car that finally catches, but still occasionally sputters and shudders and shakes. That's how I lose weight - like a car from 1910. And I don't go faster than 25 MPH either. And I have trouble going up the hills.
Anyway, so I have my goal and I have my calendar on which to monitor my goal and I have my commitment (read above) and I have a plan. I come home from work and I exercise, before I do anything else. Walk, bike, exercise dvd, yoga, pilates, gym (if I remember how to get there), whatever strikes my fancy on that particular day. And for the weekends, I can do whatever whenever, as long as I do it. I can even work up a few extra minutes to make my weekday workouts a little shorter, if I want.
After I'm all done and have met my goal, I'm going to bake a cake. (Yes! A cake!) Okay, I know that we're not supposed to reward ourselves with food, but you know what? I think food is important and I think we CAN reward ourselves with food, but in moderation. I mean, everything is motivated by food, right? Animals are motivated by food. Kids and babies are motivated by food. Why can't overweight people share that same joy in living? Let us eat cake!! (Just not the whole thing.) I mean, really, I haven't been able to eat something really, really yummy completely guilt free in two decades. Two decades!!! And where has that gotten me? Not a size 2 I can tell you! It's time to put away old thoughts and try something new - like eating what I actually want.
So that's my plan.
Friday, July 12, 2013
The Weekend
Yay for the weekend. I can tell you already, I'm going to be so bummed Sunday evening. I have never been so relieved for a Friday. I can't even say why this week was so difficult, other than what's in my own head with regard to the people I'm working with. No, not even with them in of themselves, but them in relation to me.
Anyway, I'm trying very hard not to think negative things about myself, like that I'm being ridiculous getting so caught up in worrying what people think about me. I know it's perfectly natural and normal, but a part of me still feels a bit pathetic (okay, more than a bit).
Today was actually better, although partly because it was Friday and partly because one of the duo who spend the most time gossiping was out today. Just not having the whispering and private meetings helped. Also, I had a pretty good day with regard to the reason I'm there: the work itself. So, I had that nice feeling of having accomplished something.
No bike ride this morning, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I didn't exercise tonight, but I did get some housecleaning done and that's good enough for the time being.
This weekend I'm taking the kids to visit an old school friend. She lives a few hours away so we're going to overnight it with her. Her husband is working the weekend so it'll just be us and our kids so it should be fun. Part of me, my social anxiety part, wants to back out. I've even come up with reasons to tell her why I can't make it after all. But I'm mostly looking forward to getting away for a couple days and I think it'll be good for the kids and me, so I'm just going to go, no matter how cold my feet get.
Anyway, I'm trying very hard not to think negative things about myself, like that I'm being ridiculous getting so caught up in worrying what people think about me. I know it's perfectly natural and normal, but a part of me still feels a bit pathetic (okay, more than a bit).
Today was actually better, although partly because it was Friday and partly because one of the duo who spend the most time gossiping was out today. Just not having the whispering and private meetings helped. Also, I had a pretty good day with regard to the reason I'm there: the work itself. So, I had that nice feeling of having accomplished something.
No bike ride this morning, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I didn't exercise tonight, but I did get some housecleaning done and that's good enough for the time being.
This weekend I'm taking the kids to visit an old school friend. She lives a few hours away so we're going to overnight it with her. Her husband is working the weekend so it'll just be us and our kids so it should be fun. Part of me, my social anxiety part, wants to back out. I've even come up with reasons to tell her why I can't make it after all. But I'm mostly looking forward to getting away for a couple days and I think it'll be good for the kids and me, so I'm just going to go, no matter how cold my feet get.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
The Unforgiving
It was another tough day on the ol job site. Another early morning meeting with the SIU staff, for which I was not invited. Then, after having a discussion with a field investigator about an assignment, she promptly called my supervisor to disagree with me. (Uh, you couldn't share your opinion directly to me?) I hate, hate, hate knowing people are talking about me and it seems to be happening all over the place in my department since I've started. Whispered conversations, sideways looks, being the only one left out of meetings... It could be my imagination, but I don't think so.
However, I have to remember that whatever my coworkers (and supervisor) are doing, thinking, saying, etc. it is none of my business. Unless they do something that directly impacts me - like get me fired - I just have to learn to let it go. I'm responding to it and I can choose to respond in a positive way. At least I don't get stuck in boring meetings. It gives me time to do my work and do it well. It allows me to focus on the important stuff and not get dragged into office gossip, which is a downhill road. I can be positive and have a healthy mindset and not get sucked into their potential negativity. Anyway, people come and people go - in 6 months or a year the entire office dynamic will change, because that's what happens. Things change, that's a given so I just have to wait out whatever is currently going on and just focus on what I need to do to be successful in my job. The pettiness can go right over me, if I let it.
So, that's my current state of affairs. I didn't get my bike ride in this morning :(. Nor did I get any exercise in at all. I had intended to go for a walk or something, but I just didn't. I thought about it, but I just couldn't get myself motivated to do it. I did go to the grocery store and make dinner, if that counts for anything.
Dinner was good - just some regular chili over some potatoes, with a salad and watermelon for dessert. Not diet-y food but I'm just focused on not bingeing at the moment, rather than how many calories I'm eating. If I can eat "normally" for just a little while, I will feel I have succeeded at a small step in the right direction. Getting up and going for a bike ride tomorrow would be another good step for me and I do intend to do that. If I don't, well I'll try again the next day and the next.
However, I have to remember that whatever my coworkers (and supervisor) are doing, thinking, saying, etc. it is none of my business. Unless they do something that directly impacts me - like get me fired - I just have to learn to let it go. I'm responding to it and I can choose to respond in a positive way. At least I don't get stuck in boring meetings. It gives me time to do my work and do it well. It allows me to focus on the important stuff and not get dragged into office gossip, which is a downhill road. I can be positive and have a healthy mindset and not get sucked into their potential negativity. Anyway, people come and people go - in 6 months or a year the entire office dynamic will change, because that's what happens. Things change, that's a given so I just have to wait out whatever is currently going on and just focus on what I need to do to be successful in my job. The pettiness can go right over me, if I let it.
So, that's my current state of affairs. I didn't get my bike ride in this morning :(. Nor did I get any exercise in at all. I had intended to go for a walk or something, but I just didn't. I thought about it, but I just couldn't get myself motivated to do it. I did go to the grocery store and make dinner, if that counts for anything.
Dinner was good - just some regular chili over some potatoes, with a salad and watermelon for dessert. Not diet-y food but I'm just focused on not bingeing at the moment, rather than how many calories I'm eating. If I can eat "normally" for just a little while, I will feel I have succeeded at a small step in the right direction. Getting up and going for a bike ride tomorrow would be another good step for me and I do intend to do that. If I don't, well I'll try again the next day and the next.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Mental Health Day
I took a mental health day off from work. Firstly, because it's just been a difficult week there and I wanted a break. Secondly, because work is really slow at the moment so I knew I wasn't going to cause any problems by being off work. Really, I should go because I need the income, but... I'm good at putting off worries to tomorrow.
I went for my bike ride this morning, although it wasn't first thing when I woke up. I hadn't even intended to go but then half way through the morning I thought: "why don't I go?" And so I went. Nothing spectacular, just around the same route that I went last time, so a 20 minute or so ride. I also made a dental appointment (finally!) to get my teeth cleaned. I put out some feelers for the type of job I actually want to do, which is field work rather than office work. I took the youngest to the library and he played a bit while I found some new audio books, which I like to listen to while I'm driving to work. I got a self-acceptance book to listen to. I did try to listen to Christopher Reeve's book, but it was read by the author and I couldn't listen to it because of his breathing. Or lack of breathing. After his accident, Reeve was on a ventilator because he couldn't move his own lungs. Apparently they also have to rig up the ventilator to get air to the voicebox for it to work. It doesn't sound normal. It sounded like he never "took a breath" and was always just at the end of his air, like he NEEDED to take a breath. I can't explain it better than that. Consequently, my breathing was disturbed - I found myself taking huge lungfuls of air, as though to help him out. After a while, I just had to turn it off. Which was unfortunate, because I was really interested. I'm going to have to get the paper book so I can read it.
Otherwise, there isn't much going. I keep wanting to go turn the TV on and just veg on the couch. Where is my drive? My motivation? My desire to DO something? It's probably hidden between the couch cushions, having fallen out during my long hours sitting there...
I went for my bike ride this morning, although it wasn't first thing when I woke up. I hadn't even intended to go but then half way through the morning I thought: "why don't I go?" And so I went. Nothing spectacular, just around the same route that I went last time, so a 20 minute or so ride. I also made a dental appointment (finally!) to get my teeth cleaned. I put out some feelers for the type of job I actually want to do, which is field work rather than office work. I took the youngest to the library and he played a bit while I found some new audio books, which I like to listen to while I'm driving to work. I got a self-acceptance book to listen to. I did try to listen to Christopher Reeve's book, but it was read by the author and I couldn't listen to it because of his breathing. Or lack of breathing. After his accident, Reeve was on a ventilator because he couldn't move his own lungs. Apparently they also have to rig up the ventilator to get air to the voicebox for it to work. It doesn't sound normal. It sounded like he never "took a breath" and was always just at the end of his air, like he NEEDED to take a breath. I can't explain it better than that. Consequently, my breathing was disturbed - I found myself taking huge lungfuls of air, as though to help him out. After a while, I just had to turn it off. Which was unfortunate, because I was really interested. I'm going to have to get the paper book so I can read it.
Otherwise, there isn't much going. I keep wanting to go turn the TV on and just veg on the couch. Where is my drive? My motivation? My desire to DO something? It's probably hidden between the couch cushions, having fallen out during my long hours sitting there...
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Not Today
Still no-go on my daily goal of riding my bike in the morning. This morning I woke at 5:30 am, before my alarm had gone off, but didn't want to get up yet so I turned off the 6am alarm and turned on the 7am alarm. 7:20 is the latest I can sleep in and still make it to work on time. I did get up at 7am rather than 7:20, so a little earlier than yesterday, but that wasn't enough time to go for a bike ride. Tomorrow is another chance to succeed.
Eating-wise it hasn't been going so well. I eat well when I'm at work. I start out each morning with a light English Muffin whole grain with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and an apple. Then, if I have a mid-morning snack, I will eat a banana or other piece of fruit. For lunch, a sandwich with light whole grain bread and lunch meat with mustard and no mayo, and a piece of fruit. I have a bag of baby carrots for my first snack and a Greek yogurt for my second snack.
So, that's all good and fine. Until I get home. And then I start eating stuff like cup o noodles and white bread toast with butter and jam. (Try four of the latter.) I did heat up a frozen bag of veggies as well but still... where's the lean protein and fiber and whole foods? I know I should be eating better.
Exercise has been out the window. It was still 102 degrees out when I got home at 6pm. And I just don't have any drive to do any exercise.
Today was uncomfortable, with my pants digging into my gut all day, so you'd think that I'd be focused on my weight loss by that. I don't know what it is lately... I just can't seem to focus on what I want in the long term rather than the short term.
Eating-wise it hasn't been going so well. I eat well when I'm at work. I start out each morning with a light English Muffin whole grain with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and an apple. Then, if I have a mid-morning snack, I will eat a banana or other piece of fruit. For lunch, a sandwich with light whole grain bread and lunch meat with mustard and no mayo, and a piece of fruit. I have a bag of baby carrots for my first snack and a Greek yogurt for my second snack.
So, that's all good and fine. Until I get home. And then I start eating stuff like cup o noodles and white bread toast with butter and jam. (Try four of the latter.) I did heat up a frozen bag of veggies as well but still... where's the lean protein and fiber and whole foods? I know I should be eating better.
Exercise has been out the window. It was still 102 degrees out when I got home at 6pm. And I just don't have any drive to do any exercise.
Today was uncomfortable, with my pants digging into my gut all day, so you'd think that I'd be focused on my weight loss by that. I don't know what it is lately... I just can't seem to focus on what I want in the long term rather than the short term.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Crash...and Burn
Today was not an easy day. Actually, yesterday wasn't an easy day.
As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th. Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I was relieved when we finally left. Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them. Especially the wife, of course.
Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc. I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it. The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.
Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am. I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE. At least, not at 6am. Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed. I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am).
Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself. Then I was excluded from a meeting, again. I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor. There are also 2 assistants in our department. For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to. Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings. Why is that?! I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts. It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years. In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts. FFS!
Anyway, so that didn't help. And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell. Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.
I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity.
Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out. I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events. I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems. I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group. In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself. So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal. How I respond to it is the problem. And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo. With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening. I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones. I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved. I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural. Eating in response is definitely not going to help.
As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th. Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I was relieved when we finally left. Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them. Especially the wife, of course.
Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc. I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it. The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.
Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am. I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE. At least, not at 6am. Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed. I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am).
Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself. Then I was excluded from a meeting, again. I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor. There are also 2 assistants in our department. For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to. Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings. Why is that?! I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts. It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years. In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts. FFS!
Anyway, so that didn't help. And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell. Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.
I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity.
Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out. I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events. I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems. I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group. In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself. So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal. How I respond to it is the problem. And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo. With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening. I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones. I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved. I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural. Eating in response is definitely not going to help.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Day 2 Success
I have to admit, I really didn't want to get up this morning. It was so comfortable in my bed and I was so sleepy. I turned off my alarm at 7am and went back to sleep. I woke up at a 8 and thought, I should get up now, but I just continued to lay in bed until I went back to sleep again. I woke up at 8:50 and thought, okay now I really have to get up. This continued until shortly before 9:30 am when I finally, finally mentally kicked myself out of bed. I don't know if it was staying up too late and feeling extra tired, putting off my bike ride or just plain feeling comfortable, that kept me from wanting to get up. Maybe a combination?
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Day 1 Success
I have officially kicked off my Operation Morning Ride task this morning with a 20 minute bike ride close to home. I didn't get up as early as I had aimed to get up (7am) but it wasn't about the time, just completing the task. I finally dragged my carcass out of bed at 8:30 am after punching the snooze forever (yep, another bad habit to eventually kick) and my first thought was (whiney voice) "I don't wanna go for a ride!" My weekend morning routine is to get a cup of coffee and take it back to bed and spend 2 to 3 hours surfing the 'net. However, I had my task and so I told myself I only had to ride around the block and come back home.
So, I pulled on my yoga pants and found a clean t-shirt and slipped on my tennies. I brushed my teeth and hair (although the latter was sticking up in weird places, but I was hopeful the morning breeze would camouflage that) and went out to the garage to jump on my bike. No food, coffee, or sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing at my eyes and giving myself a chance to wake up more. (Well, to be fair, I had lounged in bed waking up for over an hour, so it wasn't like I was all "ack! the light!".)
I decided to take my default route (more than a block!) as it is about a 20 minute ride, and a fairly easy ride. We have a bike/walking path fairly near to the house, but it is only about 1 mile long and it just suddenly ends on a busy street rather than circling back around. So, my routine route is to take a circuitous route to the end of the path through a residential neighborhood, down the busy street, and then onto the bike path at the other end. I then ride the approximately mile back, down the bike path, which is somewhat scenic. I'll take photos next time, but it is basically an asphalt path that follows a creek, with houses on one side and on the other side of the creek. There are trees and bushes that were specifically planted along the trail, but they are young yet so pretty small.
I got home and finally showered and it felt pretty good. Not amazing like the skies opened and angels sang, which I had half been expecting since I had FINALLY met this goal after literally months of "planning" to meet this goal. But, it was a nice ride, with the birds singing and the sun just warm enough without being too hot. People were out walking or jogging, mowing lawns, working on outdoor projects. Any outside stuff has to be done early because it gets into the 90s and 100s by mid-day.
Now I am sitting here and enjoying my coffee and feeling pretty good.
So, I pulled on my yoga pants and found a clean t-shirt and slipped on my tennies. I brushed my teeth and hair (although the latter was sticking up in weird places, but I was hopeful the morning breeze would camouflage that) and went out to the garage to jump on my bike. No food, coffee, or sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing at my eyes and giving myself a chance to wake up more. (Well, to be fair, I had lounged in bed waking up for over an hour, so it wasn't like I was all "ack! the light!".)
I decided to take my default route (more than a block!) as it is about a 20 minute ride, and a fairly easy ride. We have a bike/walking path fairly near to the house, but it is only about 1 mile long and it just suddenly ends on a busy street rather than circling back around. So, my routine route is to take a circuitous route to the end of the path through a residential neighborhood, down the busy street, and then onto the bike path at the other end. I then ride the approximately mile back, down the bike path, which is somewhat scenic. I'll take photos next time, but it is basically an asphalt path that follows a creek, with houses on one side and on the other side of the creek. There are trees and bushes that were specifically planted along the trail, but they are young yet so pretty small.
I got home and finally showered and it felt pretty good. Not amazing like the skies opened and angels sang, which I had half been expecting since I had FINALLY met this goal after literally months of "planning" to meet this goal. But, it was a nice ride, with the birds singing and the sun just warm enough without being too hot. People were out walking or jogging, mowing lawns, working on outdoor projects. Any outside stuff has to be done early because it gets into the 90s and 100s by mid-day.
Now I am sitting here and enjoying my coffee and feeling pretty good.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Small Steps
We are motivated by two things: Pleasure or Avoiding Pain. Part of avoiding pain, is to shy from doing anything that seems too difficult, scary or no fun. So, to make a significant change, I have to sell it to my emotional brain as fun, different and easy. One way to do that is move in small steps, focus on one task until it becomes a habit and then move on to the next task. So that's what I'm aiming to do.
Task 1: Ride my bike in the morning. I've been wanting to get into this habit for a while. I honestly feel that I am more likely to get a workout in if I exercise in the morning and I'm more likely to make good choices throughout the day if I know I put in a real effort for myself in the morning. Plus, I think I will start off the day more energetic and with all those feel-good hormones. So that is my task until it becomes a habit.
Tomorrow I am going to get up and ride my bike, no matter what time I get up in the morning (although I'm aiming for fairly early).
Here's something interesting I learned. A study was done on the effects of sugar on the brain. They gave volunteers a sip of soda while collecting MRI data and confirmed that sugar causes the brain to let off dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical. So, whenever I eat something sugary, I'm getting that nice dopamine hit. However, over time it needs more and more of the stuff to get the same kick, and this is how we get food addiction.
Wanna know what else causes a kick of dopamine? Doing something new and challenging! So, the next time I'm feeling down and wanting a piece of candy or cake, I should go do something new and challenging to get the same reward.
I will post tomorrow on how well my bike ride went in the morning.
Task 1: Ride my bike in the morning. I've been wanting to get into this habit for a while. I honestly feel that I am more likely to get a workout in if I exercise in the morning and I'm more likely to make good choices throughout the day if I know I put in a real effort for myself in the morning. Plus, I think I will start off the day more energetic and with all those feel-good hormones. So that is my task until it becomes a habit.
Tomorrow I am going to get up and ride my bike, no matter what time I get up in the morning (although I'm aiming for fairly early).
Here's something interesting I learned. A study was done on the effects of sugar on the brain. They gave volunteers a sip of soda while collecting MRI data and confirmed that sugar causes the brain to let off dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical. So, whenever I eat something sugary, I'm getting that nice dopamine hit. However, over time it needs more and more of the stuff to get the same kick, and this is how we get food addiction.
Wanna know what else causes a kick of dopamine? Doing something new and challenging! So, the next time I'm feeling down and wanting a piece of candy or cake, I should go do something new and challenging to get the same reward.
I will post tomorrow on how well my bike ride went in the morning.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Post-Binge
Last week went really well, as I had written. I stuck to my plan. I lost 2 pounds. I exercised daily. Saturday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and that went well.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)