No Sugar / No Flour

Back in October of last year, I finally got fed up with my over-eating and weight gain and decided to completely clean out my cupboards of anything that could/would trigger a binge.  It turned out that this pretty much included anything with flour or sugar in it, so I decided that I would just avoid eating those things.  It worked out well for a couple months. But, then one day I gave in and ate toast and "fell off the wagon."  Since then, I have tried to get back onto this way of eating a few times - once for nearly two weeks - but I haven't been able to maintain it.  It isn't easy.  However, if I could just get through the first few weeks, the cravings for sugar and junk really do diminish significantly.  I felt better, had more energy, fewer migraines and slept better as a result of eating that way. 

The past week or so I've really been struggling again - feeling bloated and uncomfortable all the time.  Not being able to fit into any of my clothes.  Knowing I'm gaining, gaining, gaining every day.  I feel like I've tucked and begun a roll down a long hill, gaining momentum with every moment that passes.  That's why the no sugar, no flour thing worked before - it halted that progress, at least for a little while.

So, I decided today to give it another go.  It's always worth a try and I know that if I stick to it, it does work.  The cravings lessen, I feel better and I eat a lot less, even though I'm not counting calories or trying to eat less.

I went to the grocery store today to stock up on foods I can eat.  I want plenty of variety in the house while I do this.  The initial detox from sugar.  I expect to feel tired and cranky tomorrow and for the next couple days but then I should start to feel better.  I can eat all the fruit and veggies I want, so this isn't an Atkins diet.  It's just a no-junk diet.  Actually, it's not a diet - it's a HEALTH MISSION.  I'm on a mission to improve my health by kicking out all that junk that just makes us overeat and feel like crap.  That's my mission and I'm (hopefully!) stickin' to it.

Daily Exercise

So far, my aim to exercise daily for 5 minutes is working.  I missed one day, due to working until nearly 11 pm, but I made it up by exercising twice the next day, so I'm not counting it as a missed day :)  5 minutes really is nothing.  I'm hoping by shooting for such a short duration, I can instill the habit of daily exercise.  And I may go longer.  Today I did 8 1/2 minutes.  But 5 minutes a day is far better than 0 minutes a day.  After a week, I'll have exercised 35 minutes.  That's way, way better than 0 minutes.

Anyway, I'm still eating a lot of junk.  I really need to take control of my fridge/cupboard and get the junk out.  I threw out the rest of the Easter candy, so that's a start.  The trick will be not to replace it with more junk when next I go grocery shopping.

I'm thinking about buying an activity monitor again.  And tracking calories.  It's a little scary, to think about tracking calories because I'm already so obsessed with food and eating and I've heard/read that stopping dieting is the first step toward recovering from a food addiction.  On the other hand, I'm getting heavier daily and I should do whatever it takes to get my weight back down to a healthy range.  I am in the OBESE range at the moment, and probably gaining about 3 pounds a week with my current eating habits.  I've gotten to the point where my back is aching all the time again, and my knees scream at me whenever I squat or kneel.  I'm sick and tired of feeling like crap because of my constant eating.

So, yes, maybe the activity tracker will help.  It did help me last time.  I kinda shouldn't spend the money, because I have been a spend-o-maniac lately and I'm supposed to be saving.  And paying off debts.  But, it would be so great if I could start to lose weight already.  Or at least stop gaining.  I would settle for stopping the gain at the moment.

Incremental

Sometimes I try to convince myself otherwise.  I tell myself that that kind of thinking is negative and undermining.  That I can just learn to live life around activity and doing and not around food.  That if I could just be happy, or manage stress or exercise more, or find a secret well of willpower and self-discipline, then I will finally stop eating so damned much.  But, all of that is just fooling myself.  I am a food addict, pure and simple.  I used to be a cigarette smoker, so I know what addiction is.  Here is why I know I'm a food addict:

1.  My thoughts are consumed by eating and food.
2.  My behavior is often dictated by eating and food.
3.  I do things I later regret because of eating and food.
4.  I make poor choices when it comes to eating and food.
5.  My eating and food choices are counter to my long-term goals.
6.  I hurt myself with my eating and food.

There are many more, but I think that's enough just that list.  My food and eating habits are hurting me, every day, in a number of ways.  My health; my sense of wellbeing; my ability to move easily; pressure on my back which is already arthritic, and on my knees, causing me daily discomfort; my self confidence; my parenting choices (unhealthy foods for the kids, a poor role model and curtailing fun activities because I'm too uncomfortable with my weight); and on and on.  There are so many reasons I want to change these food and eating habits.  A lot of very good reasons.

However, I'm not going to make the mistakes I've made in the past.  I'm not going to say that tomorrow I will not eat sugar.  That's not the way to go about this.  Otherwise, tomorrow comes and I put it off to the next day and the next.  This is actually a common human error, to believe our tomorrow self will somehow be stronger, braver, with more willpower and self-discipline.  We actually project a lot of strength on our tomorrow self that our today self does not have.  Except, obviously we are the same tomorrow as we are today.  So, for tomorrow I can only do a little more than what I can do today.  Or maybe not even more; maybe just the same.  We have to work up to it slowly to realize that our tomorrow self is very similar to our today self.  We might even be weaker tomorrow than we are today - less able to pull from our willpower and self-discipline.

So, that is why I am starting very small.  Because whatever I can do today is what I can do tomorrow.  The changes have to be incremental to be long-lasting. 

So, for the next three weeks, I will exercise every day, for at least five minutes.  Intentional exercise.  Not just wandering around the grocery store, but putting on my tennis shoes and going out for exercise.  In three weeks, I'll see if I'm ready to add the next step.  Eventually I want to get to the point where I'm exercising and meditating and eating healthy, every day. As a matter of course.  Those are my longer-term aims.  My full long-term aim is to feel vital and alive and good and to embrace life, not hide from it.