I really need to get my head on straight. I am very lucky, nevermind the normal trials and tribulations of life. Yes, my husband and I sometimes have a strained relationship. And yes we are having money worries. But, you know what? I have a house to live in and food always in the cupboard and healthy, beautiful children and a family who loves me and wants me around. My husband loves me, despite everything. I love him, despite everything. We have jobs and the prospect of having everything we could ever want. I'm writing, and planning and that's all good. My thoughts have been askewed by superfluous wants and desires. Everyone has their issues in life - I'm no different and nor should I be.
I woke up this morning (late as always) and sad for the most stupid reason. Okay, not stupid, but idiotic. Anyway, I thought there was the slightest chance I was pregnant. Mind you, I have four kids and I'm past 35, and with our current problems, another kid would be plain silly. I love the family we have. I love the kids' ages, that the youngest is just getting to be rather self-sufficient in a lot of ways. But, I loved the idea of being pregnant one last time. Probably because I had thought it would never happen again and I couldn't in all consciousness purposefully get pregnant, but if it happened unintentionally... well, I couldn't take it back, right? Anyway, it didn't happen and I still couldn't agree to get pregnant on purpose, so that's that. I hate being past child-bearing age, to be honest. I hate that I'll never have another baby. Even while I love the family I have. Self-pitying, spoiled little brat, me. :P
Anyway, so I'm refusing to dwell on it any longer. Age happens, time passes, it's all part of life. The way I see it, I can feel sorry for myself for what isn't, or enjoy what is. That simple, right? I have way more to be grateful for than I do to be unhappy about. And why would I want to dwell on the unhappiness?
Foodwise was not so good yesterday. I did well for most of the day, but then kept eating Oreos at my parents' house, as well as fresh baked bread, and ate a ton of snacks while watching TV last night. My typical fall-downs. I didn't even bother tracking calories. And, worse, I didn't exercise at all yesterday. I haven't exercised yet today, either. I should go for a walk to shake me out of my stupor. Except that I can't leave the kids alone and my stroller has flat tires thanks to the terrain where we live.
Today I've eaten okay, but going out to dinner for my dad's birthday, which will totally blow my calories out of the water I'm sure. Although at least we're eating Chinese, which isn't my favorite, so I won't eat too much. I hope. Or I shouldn't "hope," I should decide. Okay, I'm deciding I will not overeat.
And I will go for a walk.
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