Thursday, October 28, 2010

Far off program

The last few days have been crazy busy with work and entertaining my step-daughter.  She's leaving tonight.  I feel sad; it's been nice having her around.  Hubby will be home tomorrow, which is really sad that he didn't make it back before she left.  I'll be glad when he's home, though.  Overall, I'm just feeling down.  I haven't tracked calories or worked out.  I've been eating whatever I want, pretty much, although I still try to include a lot of fruits and veggies in my diet.  I guess that has become a good habit, at any rate.  I know I need to get back with the program but I have no motivation to do so.  Even when I feel uncomfortable because of my weight, like having to don a suit that doesn't quite fit right, it still isn't motivating me to get back on program.  I know I will get back on program, I just don't want to yet.  It's rather like when the house is messy and you know you need to start cleaning it up but you just can't be bothered and you go to bed with dishes piled in the sink and laundry littering the floor.  You know you'll hate having to wake up to the mess, but you have no energy whatsoever to do anything about it right then and there.  Tomorrow, you hope, you'll feel better and up to the task.  Today is a no-go.  I feel like I want to sleep through a couple days and then wake up feeling refreshed and with a renewed sense of determination.  If only it were that simple, eh?

Monday, October 25, 2010

If I had written this yesterday...

...here's how it would have read:

First day of new diet program (no eating after 8pm and avoiding trigger foods) went really well.  I only ate about 1000 calories all day and avoided foods that I thought might trigger overeating.  I did get physically hungry about 10 pm cuz I'd had an early dinner, so I made a piece of wheat toast with cream cheese.  I figured that wouldn't trigger me to overeat and would keep me satisfied until I went to sleep.  And it worked! I felt fine afterward and did not eat anything else.  I really wanted a piece of chocolate someone had left on the table next to me, but I didn't give in.  I felt really good about it.

However...

Last night did NOT go well. :(

It started before 8pm.  In fact, I'm not sure if what started me down the wrong path was the facts that by 6pm I was super hungry and then ate what I would consider to be trigger foods (a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream and a sliver of lemon meringue pie) or if the thought at the time that I would probably end up not keeping on program because of getting too hungry and then eating trigger foods was a pre-rationalization for overeating.  Either way, at about 10pm (coincidence? didn't think so) I warmed up an El Pollo Bowl and cut myself a slice of the lemon meringue pie I had been given.

I wasn't even that hungry, physically.  But, as soon as I got home from dinner at my sister's, and knew the pie was in the fridge (brought home by my daughter), I was thinking about food.  I tried reading, cleaning, thinking about something else... but I was obsessed.  And then I had the thought.  The thought that I could just start again tomorrow - that it didn't REALLY matter if I overate THIS ONE NIGHT.  That eating that one night wouldn't mean I would gain back 50 pounds, it wouldn't make that much impact on my weight at all - this ONE meal.

*sigh*

Of course I feel like crap today about it.  And it isn't ONE meal.  It's countless meals and snacks.  Will I ever get control of my eating?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

New determination

I am determined to overcome my nighttime overeating.  I was reading "The End of Overeating" and a passage particularly struck me with regard to conditioning:  "In one study, people were given a high-sugar, high-fat snack for five consecutive mornings.  For days afterward, they wanted something sweet at about the same time each morning that they had been fed the snack, even though they had not previously snacked at that time.  Desire had already taken hold."

That totally makes sense to me.  I have far less trouble controlling the food beast during the day, but at night I am insatiable.  I think I have conditioned myself to expect high-sugar, high-fat foods at night!  So, I need to break the cycle.

The only way I can see accomplishing this is to NOT eat after 8pm, at all.  This will definitely be difficult.  In fact, I've tried this trick in the past and was unsuccessful.  However, I cannot allow past failures to dictate my current behavior.  Just because it didn't work in the past, doesn't mean it won't work now.  I just have to stay strong and determined.  I have to avoid all trigger food.  I have to keep that study result in mind.  If I eat a high-calorie snack, the consequences are not limited to the 500 calories added to my daily quota, but to an ever-increasing desire for that same or similar high-calorie snack.  One snack can have incalculable effects on my diet.

Okay, I know it would be impossible to NEVER again have a high-calorie snack or food.  I know that if I try to deny myself of all such foods, forever and ever, I will crack and end up bingeing.  I know of the deny/binge cycle.  So, I will need to incorporate SOME treats into my diet.  I just need to find what treats I can eat without it triggering the over-eating.  But first I need to recondition myself.  Which means avoiding high fat/salt/sugar foods for at least a few days, preferrably a week.  And then carefully introduce selected treats back into my diet.  It feels like a monumental task.  I'm already afraid of tonight, worried that I'll give in on the first day. 

One day at a time, right?  Just get through tonight.  Pull out all the tricks to control myself.  Stay busy - don't watch TV.  Drink a lot of water.  Brush my teeth early in the evening.

It's not insurmountable.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Last night...

...was a very bad food night.  I ate, and ate, and ate.  I was only at 1200 calories and in about an hour increased that number to nearly 1800.  What is wrong with me??  Argh!!  I have read so many diet/weight loss books I should know how to fix this.  But I think, in the end, it really does come down to two things:  willpower and determination.  Of which I seem to be lacking at night.  I do so well all day but at night... I just lose all my discipline.  I know while I'm eating that I shouldn't be eating and that I will hate myself... I just keep doing it.  I see so many other bloggers and dieters who manage to keep their calorie intake between 800 and 1200 over extended periods of time and I wonder why I find it so difficult to do that.  Even when I'm doing well, I can only manage a few days at a time.  My saving grace has almost always been exercise - that I manage to work out enough to tip the scales, so to speak.  Very disappointed in myself today.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Goal: Achieved

Well, I did it!  I walked 10 miles yesterday.  It took way longer than I had anticipated, although if I had thought about it for two seconds I could have figured out how long it would take based on the speed at which I was walking, duh!  Anyway, it took me 3 hours. For the first half, I walked at a slight incline.  I try to always walk at a slight incline since it's actually a lot easier to walk/run on the treadmill than outside since the belt is moving under your feet on the treadmill, taking out half the work.  I was sweaty and tired by the time I was done, though.  Based on the calorie counter on the treadmill, I burned nearly 1400 calories.  My bodybugg said about 300 calories.  Whatever, I'm just glad I did it. 

Too bad I ate like a ton of cookies before bed :/  My two oldest daughters decided to bake cookies yesterday evening and I was unable to resist.  Initially, I only ate a couple and I was happy with myself.  But, I kept going back for more.  Fortunately my food intake was pretty low up to that point so I don't think I exceeded my calories for the day.  It was close, though, and I missed an opportunity to burn some major fat.  Oh well.

Glad tomorrow is Friday!!!  I'm tired and done with this week.  I've had a really hard time with my 3 year old the past few days.  He is beyond willful and determined.  Nothing seems to stop him from going after what he wants.  He doesn't seem to care at all about consequences.  And he's super independent.  *sigh*  I miss having hubby around to play interference when I'm reaching my limit.  Apparently he's going to be away even longer than we'd initially been told.  But, good money, right?  Always gotta remember that we need the money.

Today has gone well, food-wise.  Exercise was a fairly short, though hill-ridden, walk to my parents' house.  We had dinner with them, which was both healthy and ample.  I figured I ate nearly 800 calories in total.  Fortunately I'd only eaten 400 up to that point.  I'm not hungry right now but of course I am thinking about food.  And the fact that technically I can eat up to 1500 calories.  But I don't need 1500 calories so I need to put it out of my mind.

I missed an important school meeting today.  It had been scheduled several weeks ago and I had asked for a reminder before the meeting, knowing that I would forget.  Well, apparently the reminder had been sent home yesterday but I hadn't checked my daughter's backpack yesterday.  95% of the time, I do check her backpack but sometimes I'm distracted when she gets home from school and I don't do it.  Yesterday I don't even remember what was going on but I didn't check it and then missed my appointment and the teacher was understandably irritated.  And it isn't like I could run up to the school and just be tardy for the meeting because the school is a 20 minute drive away.  I felt like a horrible parent for forgetting and a failure.  So much pressure to juggle home, family and work.

Again, glad tomorrow if Friday.  I plan on not even looking at my computer this weekend.  I plan on exercising and cleaning house and going for walks and not even thinking about work or school or anything else.  (Yeah, right!!)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

10 Miles

About two years ago, I challenged myself to walk 10 miles on my treadmill in one day.  Not necessarily in one go, just in one day.  I managed to do about 8 1/2 miles.  After about 5 miles, I was hurting.  Which was kinda pathetic, but I was a lot bigger at the time and not in very good shape.  It should be a breeze now.  Okay, not a breeze, but certainly easier.

And, since I'm so low on motivation to exercise as to be non-existent, I figured revisiting my 10 mile challenge might be a good idea.  I don't know why I haven't been wanting to exercise.  Usually, even if I'm not eating well, I'm at least walking or doing some floor exercises, if not necessarily breaking a sweat.  I try to do SOMETHING. But, in the last five days, I've exercised one day :(  That's the worst I've done in probably more than a year.  I'm not sure why I'm so opposed to exercising at the moment.  I've been busy most days, trying to get my work in, visiting with family and whatnot.  And having a visitor in the house has certainly changed the dynamic a bit.  But none of these things have impeded my working out in the past. 

Even worse today, I slept until 10 am.  I just didn't want to get out of bed.  Clearly I'm not in a good state of mind.

Hubby is out of town, so that may have something to do with it, although he's been away plenty in the past and it hasn't affected my will to exercise.

I haven't been tracking my calories AT ALL.  However, I've been doing okay with eating.  Not great or even good, but acceptable.

In other news, I was given my first award!! 


Compliments of Christina at Iamsickofbeingasbigasahouse.blogspot.com.  As a condition of the award, I'm to list 7 things about myself and pass it on to 15 blogs.

Seven things about myself:

1.  I am addicted to Biggest Loser.  No one I know watches the program or understands my interest.
2.  I am an avid reader; I read several books a week.
3.  I'm super short at only 4'9" tall.
4.  I still experience post-holiday blues.  I am deeply saddened the day after Christmas.
5.  I hate going places by myself.
6.  I drive a minivan.
7.  I hate wearing sandals; I always feel like my feet are getting dirty.

I'm new to this, so I haven't yet found 15 blogs to read.  However, I can pass the award on to those I do know of and like:

Princess Dieter at Two Years To Happy Weight After
266
Splurgie at What a Splurge ... the diet and the exercise
Dr. Fat To Fit at Dr. Fatty Finds Fitness
Christine at Phoenix Revolution
*Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures
Christina at http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com/
http://healthyschmealthy.blogspot.com/

Happy reading!  Off to start my 10 mile challenge.  Oh, and maybe actually do some work...

Monday, October 18, 2010

The One-Two Step

I have been on this "weight loss journey" since March 2008 and have lost 50 pounds in that time.  Here's how it has gone... lose a pound, gain a pound, lose a pound, gain a pound, lose two pounds, gain a pound, lose no pounds, gain two pounds, lose six pounds, and then maintain for six weeks.  Basically, I dance around weight loss for weeks on end and then have a bit of success because I manage to stay on program for several weeks in a row, then go back to the dancing around it.  This is done by spending half the week exercising and keeping my calories in check and the other half of the week NOT exercising and eating pretty much whatever I want. 

In keeping with this style of weight loss, I spent the first half of last week doing really well, and the second half not so good.  In the past four days, I've exercised once.  I didn't track my calories at all over the weekend.  I am tracking them today, though.  I haven't exercised yet, but I do intend to get on my treadmill later.

Anyway, the scale this morning was up :(  I was down to 131 mid-week but blew that out of the water with my eating and lack of exercise since Thursday.  Totally bummed about it.  Ah well, new week, new effort.  I just need to stay focused and on track.  I'm picking up a couple weight-loss related books from the library to hopefully keep me motivated. I was SO close to getting to the 120's!!  Why did I sabotage that?  ugh!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Banana Bread

Yesterday turned out to be a really good day for eating.  Last night hubby and I drove to LA to pick up his daughter from the airport; she's visiting from England for 2 weeks.  We were super late getting started and didn't get a chance to eat dinner before we left.  Then we ended up waiting for over an hour because she got stuck going through immigration.  In the end, it was after 9:00 pm before we were heading home and we were super hungry.  I had only eaten about 700 calories up to that point, so I knew I was okay to eat whatever we managed to get.  We didn't want to go for any sit-down dinner because my sister was watching the kids and we still had a long drive home, so we just went through a Carl's Jr. drive-thru.  I chose salad!  No soda, just water.  It ended up being about 350 calories with the dressing.  Yay me!  And when I got home, I ate two dark choco candies and nothing more.  I ended the day at less than 1200 calories.  Good thing, too, cuz I didn't exercise at all yesterday.

I haven't exercised yet today but I will tonight for sure.  I was fine with skipping it yesterday because I have been working out hard and I thought it would probably be good for my body to get a break, but I don't want to go 2 days without.  Besides which I haven't been eating as well today.  I've been okay but not as good as yesterday.  So far I've had one packet instant oatmeal and one piece of toast for breakfast, and a large salad and piece of banana bread for lunch.  The banana bread was super yummy.  I bought it fresh-baked at the Farmer's Market this morning and the vendor only uses whole grain flour and few ingredients.  I love it!  I'm going to have a hard time avoiding getting more, but it won't last long with the kids around at least.

It's interesting having my step-daughter visit.  She's 19 cuz hubby was a kid when his gf got pregnant.  She has lived with us in the past and that hadn't gone so well.  In fact, I haven't had a lot of interaction with her since she lived with us.  Hubby has spoken with her regularly, but I haven't.  And with hubby going out of town for work, it is going to be just her and I and the other kids.  Hoping we can bond!  I had really, really missed her after she left and having her visit is like revisiting that time.  I wish I could go back and do it again, but of course I can't.  Well, I can make the present better, though, right?

Anyway, back to work.  Really short on hours this week so I need to work my behind off.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Feeling Better

I feel better today. I feel in control and not upset.  I don't feel the constant need to eat.  I do need to work out at some point today, but I don't feel manic about it. 

Last night I ate two bags of snack-size M&M's at my sister's house and NOTHING ELSE!  When I got home, I cleaned until nearly midnight and then read a book for about 30 minutes.  I didn't eat again.  I ate a total of 1300 calories yesterday and burned nearly 2200. 

Today I haven't had a great burn yet due to no exercise but my calorie consumption is good.  I'll be cleaning again in a little bit cuz we're having company. 

Work hours are a bit down.  I didn't do a full day yesterday and today will be a bit truncated as well.  I'll have to work on Saturday to make up for it.  That's fine, though, cuz hubby is working this weekend anyway and I have nothing planned.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Forging ahead and some minor adjustments

I did well yesterday!  That has renewed my faith in myself.  With the way I've been eating, I spent most of yesterday morning asking "how can I take back control of my eating?"  The answers I came up with were:  1.  Start reading weight-loss motivating books again.  I used to always be reading a book of either good motivation tricks and why we need to lose weight or a memoir of someone who has lost  weight.  This kept me focused that every day counts.  I did some research yesterday and was referred to read The End of Overeating by Dr. Kessler.  I read a short interview he did and it struck me as so right so I ordered a copy of the book from the library.  2. Watch the sugar intake!  I went through a period of time where I did not allow myself to eat simple sugars the first 5 hours of the day and it worked! I did eat less.  I didn't maintain this particular diet trick but I'm reverting to it in my hour of need.  I did not allow myself any simple or refined sugars most of yesterday and I did feel more in control of my eating last night.  I still had some choco, but only one serving worth and I didn't go looking for something else to eat.  3. Keep working out hard.  Even if I eat poorly, I'm still making strides in my physical wellness.  I am up to being able to jog on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Today I upped the speed toward the end of the workout.  I need to keep working out hard and keep pushing myself.  At least this gives me a good burn.  And I do feel more in control when I work out hard.

So far, today is going well.  I'm a little nervous about tonight because I will be watching my nephews at my sister's house and she has LOTS of junk food there.  I usually snack quite a bit when I'm watching the boys.  I must not give in!  I'll be reading and that means wanting to eat.  Maybe I should take my laptop instead and work on my book.  That's a good idea!

That's another thing, I've started a new book for the gazillionth time.  However, I feel really good about this one.  I have a plot that I think will work.  And I'm writing about what I know.  I am working on it a little bit every day.  I want to finish it!  I need to persevere and actually complete the damn thing, even if it starts to go awry.  I can do this.

I also will not fight with hubby anymore.  I'm becoming a horrible harpy and no one wants to live with someone like that.  Give in a bit, I tell myself.

Which leads me to my thoughts as I was going to sleep last night.  See, I had been on hubby about the money again.  And his response was he doesn't need a daily reminder that we aren't exactly flush at the moment.  He reminded me we've already had the conversation with the agreement that we both need to work hard and curb our spending.  So, why go on and on about it?  I thought about the question and responded that I feel like if I let go and stop pushing, I'll really let go and everything will fall apart.  If I don't stress about the money, I might not work enough hours or he might not work enough hours or we may decide to spend money on something we don't need.  If I don't stress about my food and exercise, I might give up completely and let my weight get out of control again.  If I don't stress about keeping a fairly tidy house, we may end up living in a complete pit.  The only way I know to push myself to live the lifestyle I want (i.e. a nice house, a nice bod, a nice wad of cash in the bank), I have to push and push and push and drive myself (and apparently my husband) crazy.  He calls me neurotic, I call me driven.  Either way, why DO we put so much pressure on ourselves?  I need to ease off that particular gas pedal, without completely giving up.  A happy medium anyone?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Why can't I stop eating???

I'm posting early today, because I'm a bit perturbed with how my night went  yesterday.  I had posted about my sugar-laden foodfests during date night and that I had to forego any snacks or eating of any kind the rest of the evening to maintain my calorie goal.  Well... as you've probably already guessed, that didn't happen.

It began with a bite of chocolate.  I know! More sugar!!  Hubby and I were sitting down to watch House and he had a huge chocolate bar.  At first, I was like, no way am I having  any.  Then, I was thinking about how he hadn't even offered me a bite for me to turn down.  Then I just wanted a damn bite of the chocolate.  I stared him down until he offered me some.  I ate about a quarter of his chocolate bar (probably why he didn't offer me any in the first place).

It didn't stop there, unfortunately.  I then ate a bag of kettle popcorn (the 100 calorie bag, so not terribly bad, but totally unneeded calories). 

Then, a bean burrito.  Because, you can imagine how hungry I was, having EATEN ALL DAY!

Then, four dark choco pieces.

I finally stopped.  *sigh*

So you can understand my angst this morning. I haven't tallied it all up yet, but I would have to guesstimate that I ate about 2200 calories in total yesterday.

Why is not eating so hard?  Why couldn't I just NOT eat?  I wasn't terribly hungry.  If I had been physically hungry, I could understand that avoiding food would have been hard.  But, I really wasn't.  I wasn't full, but I wasn't physically hungry.  I just wanted to eat.  And I didn't want to stop eating.

I really need to just NOT EVER watch TV.  How depressing is that?  That I have so little control over myself that I can't watch TV because I'll overeat.  But, really, that's not it, either.  Because there have been enough nights recently when I have snacked my way through an evening without once turning on the TV.  Like the night I kept myself busy until 11:30 pm, but then ate several hundred calories between 11:30 and 12:30 when I finally went to bed.  It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing, I just want to eat at night.  Sometimes I'm genuinely hungry and eating satisfie s that, but then I keep eating beyond satisfying the physical hungry.  Other times, I'm just eating because I want to eat, not because I physically need food.

I'm going to do some research and see if I can find anything online that may help.  Some trick or motivation.  Not that I haven't read a ton of books, but I may find just the right message to get through my thick skull.  (Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to check.)  I'll post here if I find anything useful.

Here's a positive note to start my day with, though, I hit my first goal of the day! I started work at 6:30 this morning, yay me :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Loss!

Not a whole lot, but after my very lazy and food-obsessed weekend, I didn't expect a loss on the scale this morning, no matter how well I had done last week. But, alas, I did have a small loss - less than 2 pounds but I'm happy with anything. 

Today went well enough for the first half (except for my early morning goal, which I have yet to achieve in the past week, but nevermind that for the moment).  I didn't do my Pilates, but I did go to my sister's for some elleptical workout (you know, the killer workout that caused me sore muscles last week).  I even jogged there!  I didn't break down the house with calorie burn, but I did alright.  Eating was going well, with Cheerios for breakfast, toast & light cream cheese for snack, veggie soup for lunch and then a bean burrito for dinner.  If I had only stopped there...

But, no, hubby and I went out and combined a date night with work.  We dropped the childrens off and then ran a couple errands.  Hubby had a quickee assignment not too far away, so we decided to drive out together as part of our date night, the date part being that we could actually talk in the car on the drive rather than listen to kid music, whining and yelling.  We stopped for a drink before hitting the freeway, only I stupidly chose to get a candy bar to go with my Diet Pepsi.  (Yep, I'm one of those!!!)  After the assignment, we stopped at a diner for coffee.  Only, I didn't stick with mere coffee, I had an apple crisp dessert as well.  Fortunately I only ate half, because I looked up the nutrition information when I got home and it is 750 calories!!!  So nearly 400 calories for the half of the dessert I ate and 200 calories for the candy bar.  600 calories in less than 2 hours, and that was post-dinner.  Urgh!!  I should get on the treadmill and go for a jog :/  I did manage to talk hubby into going for a short walk, but that would have burned about 30 of the 600 calories.  *sigh*

Well, tomorrow is a new day.  And the difficult part is going to be NOT EATING AGAIN TONIGHT.  It's still fairly early, only about 8:30 pm and I usually go to bed at midnight, so it's going to be a long night staying away from the kitchen (except for when I clean it after I'm done writing this).

I think I'll jog tomorrow.  That should make up for some of the calories.  And, really, I'm still only ending the day with 1500 calories, so I shouldn't cry about it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Must stop feeling sorry for myself...

I really need to get my head on straight.  I am very lucky, nevermind the normal trials and tribulations of life.  Yes, my husband and I sometimes have a strained relationship.  And yes we are having money worries.  But, you know what?  I have a house to live in and food always in the cupboard and healthy, beautiful children and a family who loves me and wants me around.  My husband loves me, despite everything.  I love him, despite everything.  We have jobs and the prospect of having everything we could ever want.  I'm writing, and planning and that's all good.  My thoughts have been askewed by superfluous wants and desires.  Everyone has their issues in life - I'm no different and nor should I be.

I woke up this morning (late as always) and sad for the most stupid reason.  Okay, not stupid, but idiotic.  Anyway, I thought there was the slightest chance I was pregnant.  Mind you, I have four kids and I'm past 35, and with our current problems, another kid would be plain silly.  I love the family we have.  I love the kids' ages, that the youngest is just getting to be rather self-sufficient in a lot of ways.  But, I loved the idea of being pregnant one last time.  Probably because I had thought it would never happen again and I couldn't in all consciousness purposefully get pregnant, but if it happened unintentionally... well, I couldn't take it back, right?  Anyway, it didn't happen and I still couldn't agree to get pregnant on purpose, so that's that.  I hate being past child-bearing age, to be honest.  I hate that I'll never have another baby.  Even while I love the family I have.  Self-pitying, spoiled little brat, me.  :P

Anyway, so I'm refusing to dwell on it any longer.  Age happens, time passes, it's all part of life.  The way I see it, I can feel sorry for myself for what isn't, or enjoy what is.  That simple, right?  I have way more to be grateful for than I do to be unhappy about. And why would I want to dwell on the unhappiness? 

Foodwise was not so good yesterday.  I did well for most of the day, but then kept eating Oreos at my parents' house, as well as fresh baked bread, and ate a ton of snacks while watching TV last night.  My typical fall-downs.  I didn't even bother tracking calories.  And, worse, I didn't exercise at all yesterday.  I haven't exercised yet today, either.  I should go for a walk to shake me out of my stupor.  Except that I can't leave the kids alone and my stroller has flat tires thanks to the terrain where we live.

Today I've eaten okay, but going out to dinner for my dad's birthday, which will totally blow my calories out of the water I'm sure.  Although at least we're eating Chinese, which isn't my favorite, so I won't eat too much.  I hope.  Or I shouldn't "hope," I should decide.  Okay, I'm deciding I will not overeat.

And I will go for a walk.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Blah

Not having a great day.  Started at 4:30 am with pounding on the front door.  Scared the hell out of me.  It was my 15 year old being brought home by two cops.  Apparently she'd been at the park; probably meeting friends although she was alone at the time they picked her up.  Need I say more about it?  Need I mention that I didn't sleep after that or that I've been feeling rather crappy since?  Nuff said, right?

Yesterday went really well for eating.  I ended the day on track for calories, if a little under for calorie burn.  Not sure why my burn was a bit under, actually.  I had walked in the morning and then floor exercises in the evening.  Plus the normal house cleaning and stuff.  I should have had an average burn, if nothing more.

Anyway, today my calorie burn has been good but my food wasn't too good for a bit.  I definitely overate this morning, starting with kettle popcorn, then toast and cream cheese, then chicken and rice and then some pumpkin bread.  I ate all of this within about an hour's time and felt over-stuffed.  I'm not going to eat again until dinner, which is going to be a stir-fry of veggies and chicken with teriyaki sauce and no rice or carbs, thank you very much.

Haven't exercised today and I feel so blah that I can't seem to work up the energy to do so yet.  I want to run, that should pep me up.  Maybe in an hour or so.  I'm rather low on my work hours today because I didn't start until I got back from the Farmer's Market with my sister at noon.

It's going to be a long weekend.  My 15 year old is going to be moping around, and unhappily stuck in the house.  And I won't be able to go anywhere because hubby is working out of town until Sunday.  Then, next week hubby is going to be in Hawaii for a week for work. I'm really dreading him being gone because I don't sleep well.  I always get a bit freaked when I'm on my own. 

Wah, wah, wah, right?  Poor me, let's have a pity party.  I definitely need to jog and get some good hormones going.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

TIRED!!

...and not because I started my day at 6:00 am, unfortunately.  I was up super late, until almost 2:00 am, and apparently did not sleep well.  I went back to bed after the girls were off to school, but then got up again at just before 8:00 am.  Yesterday's plan to walk to my parents' house had flown out the window when I got a red light from my dad at the idea.  However, I thought he might stop by this morning with coffee, so I made sure I was up by 8.  When I looked at my phone, he had already called at quarter to 8.  He brought coffee and we did go for a walk together.  It was a nice walk.  We walked for several miles.

I got home and started working, but wasn't feeling too great.  My eyes were bloodshot and I had a headache and felt nauseous.  I tried to take a shower and eat breakfast, but that didn't help.  I finally went and lay down on my bed for about an hour and felt marginally better.  All day I've been really dragging.  Ass dragging.  My eyes feel gritty and I have that befuddled head thing going.  I can't wait to get to sleep tonight.  Of course, by the time it gets to bedtime, I probably will be wide awake and feeling great.

Okay, so here's my confession for the day. I had done really well with my eating yesterday and last night up until about 11:30.  I stuck to my plan of keeping super busy so I was literally cleaning and doing stuff up until that time. But then I felt hungry.  I started with a salad (good!) but then added a burrito (bad) then some choco candies (really bad) then more and more choco candies until I'd topped my calorie count at 2000 again (super-duper really bad).  I don't know why I couldn't stop eating :(  I had had so many chocolates that my tummy was hurting by the time I got to bed.  (Possibly why I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00 am?)  Today I can't even think of choco candy, so I guess that's a good thing at least.

I'm currently at 820 calories with only dinner and evening to get through.  Evening is the worst though.  I must conqueor this food demon that forces me to eat choco candies until I am sick.  I just don't know yet what weapon to use against it.  Obviously staying busy only works up to a point.  Where is my self-discipline at 11:30?  Where is my determination to keep my calories down?  Already in bed, probably, getting enough sleep so that it can tackle the morning.  *sigh*

So, despite my morning walk, I'm supposed to go work out at my sister's this evening.  Not on her elliptical, because my muscles are still sore, but some weight lifting and abdominal work.  I'll feel better after I'm sure.  Really keeping my fingers crossed that I keep it together for tonight.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Skating Along

The day started late, again.  *sigh*  I went back to bed at 7 and didn't get up again until 9:30, when my 3 year old finally got up.  (He came into bed with me at 8 and I thought he was going to make me get up then but he fell back asleep.  Which I can understand - my bed is very cosy.)

This morning it was straight to work, per usual.  I have lots to do, so I just got on with it and I do feel better for having shrunk my in-pile.  I also did my Pilates this morning - yay me!  It wasn't at 7:00 am, more like 11:00 am, but I still did it.  Only 10 minutes, but that's all that I want to do.  Just enough to limber me up and get the blood flowing.

I worked until nearly 2:00 pm and then got on the treadmill.  The original plan was to go to my sister's house to work out again on her elliptical and the stepper, but I woke with sore hamstring muscles. Not surprising because her elliptical is HARD!  So, I called and told her I would just walk on my treadmill today and get back on her machine tomorrow.  I walked on an incline for 30 minutes while listening to a new audio book.  I download them from audible.com onto my iPod and it makes my workouts go much more quickly.  I just started The Winter House by Nicci Gerrard.  Don't know what it's about yet, only that it's a psycho thriller/mystery - my fave. 

I did some research today into writing.  I read some articles on writing techniques and on resources for aspiring authors.  Good stuff!  I sent hubby some info on potential xmas presents.  It's getting my mind in the game, if that makes sense.

I'm going to work for a couple more hours, finish off my 8 hours, and then get back on the treadmill for a bit.  Then make dinner, do laundry, clean (maybe even the bathroom!) and find something else to do. I have a movie to watch, Precious, but I'm kinda leary about sitting down to watch it.  I just have such a bad habit of eating while I'm in front of the tube.  (Even though there is no tube in my TV, can we still refer to it as that?)  I'm thinking I should just stay busy until it's time for bed.  Maybe I'll sleep better too.  I really, really want to get up early tomorrow.

I feel bad, too, cuz I later found out that my dad had stopped by this morning with coffee for me.  He said he knocked but got no answer.  How frustrating for him.  Especially as he had bought me a cup.  I should buy him a cup tomorrow to return the favor.  Maybe if I go really early.  I could walk over in the morning.  I could go as soon as the girls have left for school, well before the 3 year old is awake.  (Only if hubby's home, of course!!)  That would be a good plan, actually.

So, here's my plan for the morning - and I'm writing it so I can hold myself to it.  I will get up at 6:00 am, get the girls off to school and NOT go back to bed.  I will get dressed and walk to the coffee shop, then to my parents' house.  That should put me there at about 8am.  Too early?  It should probably be okay.  Then back home and start work by 9:00 am, which is what time I've been starting work anyway.

Alright, now that I have a plan, time to get back to work. 

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Started badly...got better

You know how there are certain discrepancies in everyone's lives between what they want to accomplish  daily and what they actually do?  For instance, I want to wake up at 6:00 am every day, get my daughter to school and be at my desk working by 6:30 am.  This way, I'm done with work early in the day and I feeesl better about myself. 

What actually happened this morning is that I got up at 6:30 am, with just enough time to get my daughters up for school and then went back to bed.  I slept until 9:00 am.  (Hubby was home to watch the 3 year old when he got up.)  I did this yesterday, too.  It's so frustrating when I don't meet my first goal of the day.

Second goal of the day is to do some Pilates to wake up.  I didn't do this.  In fact, I have yet to do this since I made this goal months ago.  I'm only talking 10 minutes to get myself warmed up and ready for the day.  Why is that so difficult to do?  I know it's harder when I sleep until 9, but even when I do get myself out of bed and stay awake from 6:00 am on, I don't do the Pilates.  Maybe I should make it a time-specific goal.  Like, I'm up at 6:00, at my desk by 6:30, and do Pilates at 7:00.  Let's try that tomorrow.

Third goal of the day was to make veggie soup for dinner.  I do it in the crock pot, so it means starting it pretty early.  It also means lots of chopping of various vegetables so it would have been better if I had gotten up early and done it before I started work today, but instead I chopped during my first morning break.  That's okay because the soup doesn't take THAT long to cook.  However, it did mean that I had to rush it a bit and didn't get all the veggies in that I had wanted to.  Nevermind that, I got the soup on!  It's super low-cal since it's literally chicken broth, seasonings and assorted veggies.  I love it and it'll feed our family dinner and me lunch tomorrow.  It smells great right now, in fact.

Fourth goal of the day is to exercise.  I haven't done that yet, but my sister wants me to come over to do a workout with her on her eliptical and stepper, taking turns.  I have a chic flick to watch while we do it.  Then, since it's BL tonight, I'll do some upper body exercises with my dumbbells while I watch TV.  That's one of my all time favorite things to do all week.  I even borrowed a 101 exercises with dumbbells book from the library because I know so few. 

Fifth goal of the day is to get my 8 hours in.  I don't work on a schedule.  I don't have anyone who checks my work or watches my hours.  I can work up to 40 hours per week.  But, I can work 20 or 30 hours per week, if I want.  If I want, I can delegate most of my work out and not work many hours myself at all.  But, of course that would defeat the purpose of working at all.  And, with hubby being low on hours, I really need to work as much as possible.  I'm at 6 hours right now, so I'm doing pretty good.

Speaking of work and hubby... I ended up blowing up last night (quietly, mostly).  I suggested we split our finances and close our joint account (we already have personal expense accounts).  He wasn't happy with the suggestion at all.  This sparked a 2 hour conversation that included some yelling (from me) and lasted until after 1:00 am.  We sorta resolved things.  We agreed that we wouldn't separate our finances at this point but that he will make an effort to work more hours and I will make an effort not to make comments about his work hours.  Fair enough, if that works.  He was very adult about it, actually.  I guess I'm the emotionally fragile one at the moment and it's good that we're taking turns.

Well, I'm off to my sister's to get our workout in!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Food Issues

During a conversation with my sister over the weekend, she asked me what my food issues are.  I did not have to think long to answer, as this is a question I have been pondering during the past two years.  I have multiple reasons for overeating:

1.  I feel sorry for myself.  I have had a hard day (at work, home, with kids or hubby) and I deserve a treat.  I'm having to work too many hours and I need a pick-me-up.  Or my husband is being an ass.  Or I've just finished work, then did all the cleaning and cooking and kid caring and now I want to sit down and watch TV and have something good to eat.

2.  I am upset.  Who cares if I overeat? Who cares if I'm fat?  Who cares if I'm unhealthy?  I certainly don't care right now.  I just want to feel better.

3.  I'm a sucker for the power of suggestion.  If I see someone eating on TV, I want to eat.  If I read about food in a book, I want that food.  Even if it's something stupid, like a cheese sandwich, I suddenly really want a cheese sandwich and I will not rest until I have one.

4.  I LOVE the taste of food.  I love how food feels in my mouth.  I love how I feel when I eat something that tastes divine.  My favorite memories are related to food.  I constantly think about food.  I love shopping for food, making food and especially eating food.  I can tell you everything that is in my fridge and cupboard right now.  I can recite the foods I bought at the grocery store last as though I had the receipt in front of me.

These are my food issues.  I struggle every minute of every day.  I have to stay active to burn off the calories that I eat, but I don't always do enough to cover all I eat, especially as the majority of my eating is done at night.  I can eat a couple thousand calories between 9 and 11pm.  It's a bit hard to compete with that with exercise, especially as I have a sedentary job.  And I do exercise; I ride a bike or walk/jog on my treadmill.  I have a zillion workout DVD's and I borrow still more from the library.  I've had no less than 5 gym memberships, and I've actually attended them from time to time.  I was going to Zumba classes before I recently moved from that gym.  I exercise most days for at least 30 minutes.  I have a Bodybugg.  I know what I burn.  I know I eat more than I burn.  I know that causes weight gain.  Still, I eat.

It doesn't help that I'm often upset.  My husband is a very difficult person to live with.  We recently moved back to live near my family because I really missed them but my husband does not make it easy for me to have a relationship with them.  I think he is jealous.  He resents the time I spend with my family, even though he denies it.  He makes incediary comments to them.  He is condescending and belittling.  He argues with my dad and insults my sister.  Not all the time, mind you.  He behaves himself most of the time.  He only does these things just often enough to cause friction and make me uncomfortable.  He wants me to be uncomfortable so that I will avoid seeing my family.

Also, I am not happy with my job.  It has become boring and monotonous. But, I need to earn some money because my husband does not like to work.  He has a job that requires him to be self-motivated.  He only gets paid for the hours he puts in and no one is telling him to put in hours.  He has the work available, but he has to actually do the work and he doesn't.  He only worked 30 hours over two weeks for his last pay period.  That left us very short on our finances. But, because of his caustic personality, I can't say anything about it. I can only keep working myself.

Some might say that I should just divorce my hutsband.  I will not do that.  I have kids with my husband.  I have been divorced before and it does not solve anything.  I just need to be happy independently of my husband and find a way to make things work with him.  For instance, if we divorced, I would still have financial strain.  And I would still have to communicate with him because of our kids.  Only it would be worse because he would be extra hateful toward me.  At least most of the time now he tries to behave to some degree.  Tries to keep things on friendly terms for the peace of the household.  I guess we both do that.  So, no, divorce would not be the answer.  If he was being abusive to me or the kids, I would agree, but it's not that.  We have made our bed together and we must learn to sleep together in it. 

With regard to my job, it is down to me to change that.  I have always wanted to be a writer, but I don't write (except now, I guess).  I believe I will always have a sense of failure as long as I am not a writer.  I just need to take the plunge and start writing.  Except, for some stupid reason I can never seem to think of something to write about.  I say this is a stupid reason because I work for a private investigation company so ideas should be leaping out at me.  I've lived long enough and seen enough that not having material for a book or a story is ridiculous.  It is something else holding me back and subject ideas is just an excuse for not doing it.

These are a brief overview of my issues and upsets.  I hope by writing here I can work through some of these issues and find a way to be happy with myself.  Only then will I find the alternative to over-eating, in my opinion (or, according to all the books I've read anyway).