That SO didn't work

Apparently, giving me carte blanch to eat what I want for a week and avoid exercise without self-censure is like giving an alcoholic the freedom to binge one night and then expect him not to drink again.  SO didn't work out well.  I haven't exercised one iota in two weeks now.  I have been eating tons of calories, not curbing myself in any way.  Most mornings my intentions are good when I start out, documenting my breakfast calories and donning my bodybugg, but they have tended to fly out the window by midday, if not sooner.  I haven't been this far off the rails in over a year. 

So, I decided to shock myself back into it by getting a new gym membership and taking advantage of a free session with a personal trainer.  If a one-hour workout with a professional trainer doesn't get me back into moving my bootie, nothing will. 

I had actually been looking into joining an exercise class, either Pilates or Zumba, because I do well in that environment.  I'm competitive enough that I don't slack off in class.  But the classes offered around here are ridiculously expensive, in my opinion.  The cheapest I found was $12 per session.  If I wanted to go twice a week, that's $24 a week!  Nearly a hundred dollars a month!  Just for two classes a week.  Crazy, right?  I thought so anyway.

So I looked into gyms and narrowed it down to LA Fitness.  The name put me off initially, but it's the closest gym to me and it offers the most classes (60 per week!) and when I checked it out it wasn't over crowded like the other gyms I've been to in the area.  They have more facilities in the area, which I figured is to my benefit, right?  Anyway, so I went last night and it really wasn't too busy, although I expect it was less crowded due to the holidays and it will get WAY more crowded in January but then slow down again after that.  I love the choice of classes, though. And the best part is it cost me nothing to sign up and I'm only paying $34 per month.  Yay me :)

So, I've logged my breakfast (oatmeal) and I'm ready to be a part of the diet game again.  I refuse to allow myself to remain off the rails.  I'm just lucky I haven't gained more weight (2 pounds).  Actually I'm AMAZED I haven't gained more weight, although I assume some of the weight I didn't lose was muscle turning into fat.  :/

Hope everyone else is faring better this holiday season!

Post Holiday

I'm both sad and glad the holidays are over.  Well, there's still New Year's but since we never go to any parties or celebrate the evening before, it is just an extra day off from work for me. 

I have to admit, I have been totally off plan for the past week.  I didn't even attempt to count calories and I didn't exercise once.  That's very rare, for me to go so long without exercising.  I just decided, at the beginning of the week, that I would take a week off.  I wouldn't worry about what I ate or how much I ate or how many calories I burned.  I wanted a break from the constant worrying and failures and feeling deprived.  It was nice not to have to think about every bite I ate.  It was a good break.

However, I only gave myself until Christmas day to enjoy the time off from dieting.  Today I'm supposed to be back on plan.  I started the morning by making a good breakfast choice (oatmeal) and entering my calories on Sparkpeople.  Hubby's xmas gift to me was a new watch for my Bodybugg so I can monitor my calorie burn to ensure I end up under that number by the end of the day.  I'll make sure I exercise today and watch what I eat. 

Totally Crap Weekend

Not sure what my problem was, but I was moody this weekend.  Saturday was okay but then I decided I wanted to repaint the kitchen to make it brighter.  Started working on it Saturday evening and quickly realized two things:  1. The paint was TOO bright, more like neon; 2. It was taking several coats to cover the orangish peach paint that was already on there, which meant I probably wasn't going to be done with the project before Christmas.  The hubby and I got into a fight.  Then I couldn't sleep and was up until 4 am when I finally took two Tylenol PM's and proceeded to sleep until 4 pm on Sunday.  Yep, I slept all through Sunday until 4 pm.  Woke feeling gross and not wanting to do anything.  Tried to rally and asked hubby if he wanted to go out, which he did, and booked us a table at an expensive restaurant.  I didn't want expensive restaurant; it's never worth the expense and we're on a tight budget.  He could tell I wasn't pleased with his choice but I didn't want to openly dismiss his efforts.  He knew, though, cuz I'm bad at hiding my feelings and we'd only just left the house when he turned around and drove back.  Once we got home, he called and cancelled the reservations and expressed his frustration that he feels like he can never do anything right.  After talking for a few minutes, he decided we should go elsewhere and we ended up at Sizzler, which is good for my budget.  I ate WAY too much; I mean, way, way, way too much.  It was like I was intent on totally undoing all the efforts of the previous week.  Which I may have been, because I can be self-destructive like that.  Or maybe I was rebelling against the week of denying myself and feeling hungry.  Whatever the reason, I ate my weight in fattening foods.  Came home and drank my weight in margaritas.  We did manage to have a few moments of intimacy that was good for us because it's so rare anymore, but otherwise we did our own thing and I fell into a drunken sleep at 2 am.  Woke this morning at the same weight I'd been before last week, with a headache and a distinct dislike of the morning.  The house is a wreck, laundry piled up, tons of work to be done, and a very partially painted kitchen with the doors off. 

6 Days

That's how many consecutive days I managed to keep a deficit.  Yesterday I ate over 1900 calories.  I'm trying not to be too disappointed with myself because I've done well and I don't want to start another downward spiral.  Just accept it and move on.  Today is another day.  All that.

Don't know what we're going to do today, though.  It's rainy and miserable outside.  I have no spending money at the moment and hubby is working today.  The kids and I are rather tired of being in the house after the past week, so we want to go out and do something, just don't know what.

Update

Another good day.  I ate 1369 calories and walked/jogged 2.2 miles.  I was actually hoping to keep my calories at 1200 today, but as long as it's under 1400, I'm happy.  My weight loss will be slower, but compared to the 1800 to 2500 calories I was regularly eating, anything under 1400 is excellent.  And I'm still exercising most days.  (I didn't yesterday because I was feeling lazy, but I have to allow myself an occasional day off.)

I finally found hubby's xmas present tonight, so I'm happy about that.  Everyone is done!  I finished making my mom's scarf yesterday.  I just need to wrap it.  Everyone else's presents are wrapped.

The kids are officially done with school until next year.  I actually prefer them being home.  I like to know what they're doing.  And I don't have to get up at 6:15 :)  Or worry about homework and getting to bed on time, etc. etc. 

I've done really well with my work hours.  Just need to get through tomorrow and then the weekend will be a welcome relief.  Have set up to meet a woman on Monday to walk with and one on Tuesday morning to walk with.  Also possibly to meet at a 24 hour fitness with another woman, but I haven't heard from her for a couple days so maybe she's changed her mind.  No matter. 

Winning Streak

I'm still on my winning streak of staying on target for my weight loss.  Yesterday I closed the day out at 1330 calories and had walked and done Pilates.  Today I've eated about 630 calories thus far and dinner is 520 calories, leaving me 100 or 200 calories for a snack if I need it.  I haven't walked yet because I've been working and had to help my mom out earlier, but I will definitely be getting on the treadmill later.  I didn't get a chance to do some active outside because it's been rainy, but I'll do that tomorrow if the weather allows for it.  At least I got out of the house, though, when I helped my mom out.  It's essential I get out of the house for even a few minutes every day for my mental wellbeing.

I feel pretty content at the moment, with having had a good few days of sticking to my diet; the house is clean and the smell of dinner cooking; my workday nearly over and a quiet evening to look forward to, finishing my mom's xmas present (a knitted scarf) while listening to a new book on my iPod.  I finished wrapping presents last night, so that job is done.  Can't really complain about anything at the moment.  I may even get some writing done tonight on my book.

Day 4

of being on target.  I've calculated out my calories down to my last snack of the night to 1350 calories.  My goal for exercise is to do Pilates while watching BL.  I hurt my knee today, so no walking.  Just floor exercises.  But it's good for my back so that's okay.  I'm so happy with myself for managing to stay in my calorie target for four days in a row!  Well, today isn't over, but I'm actually not worried.  I've proven that I can do it over the last few days and I'm DETERMINED!  More determined than I've felt in a long time.  I don't know what triggered it, but I'm riding that wave.

Last week I put in an ad through Craigslist for a weight loss/workout/motivation partner.  I've had a few hits that I immediately discounted (weird responses and guys) but two sounds very promising.  I'm in the midst of arranging date/time to meet them through email.  In a public place, of course :).  It's very cool.  Not only will it be good to have someone to work out with and help keep me going, but I don't have any friends left from childhood and having moved so much in the last few years I've lost contact with any other acquaintances I've had.  Working from home, I have no contact with people.  So, except for hubby and family, I don't talk to or socialize with anyone.  So, having the opportunity to talk to someone not family will be great!  Unless I don't like them, of course :/

Work has  been going well, too, for the most part.  Going well in that I'm working my full hours.  Not so well with actually getting caught up with my work, though.

Hitting My Pins

I'm happy to report that I have been hitting most of my pins for the last few days.  The only one I'm really still struggling with is getting up earlier in the morning.  However, I've been doing well with everything else.  I've been meal planning and eating my plan.  I've been exercising and doing an activity outside every day.  I've been working and keeping the house clean.  I've also been writing in my journal everyday.  Today I've eaten 740 calories thus far and my dinner is 300 calories. 

I've worked out a money plan that should greatly reduce our financial stress.

I'm getting along well with hubby at the moment.  He's being very easy to be around at the moment.  It almost makes me nervous because he should be mad at me, but he's not.

See, on Friday I went with my sister to the store and, being the bad wife that I am, I was having a vent-fest about him on the drive over.  About fifteen minutes later, hubby calls me and says I should check that my last call had disconnected before bitching someone out.  Apparently, after I had talked to hubby just before leaving with my sister, I hadn't hung up the phone all the way and rather than hanging up himself, he chose to listen to what my sister and I talked about.  And didn't like what he had learned, of course.  I was angry with him for listening to a private conversation, but more concerned with having hurt his feelings.  He was very understanding; taking full responsibility for having listened in when he should have.  Still, I promised not to vent about him to my sister anymore because it really isn't very fair or nice of me.  And I'm sticking to that promise.  As difficult as hubby can be, I do love him and should cherish him rather than just complaining about him.

Recovered

I've recovered my committment.  It wasn't a lost cause.  Yesterday and today I've done very well with my eating and exercise.  I ate 1000 calories yesterday and 1100 calories today.  I still have a few hours to get through, but I feel confident I will do well tonight.  I feel in control again.  I walked/jogged 4 miles yesterday and walked 1 mile today.  I also spent the better part of the morning mowing the yard and trimming the bushes, which was no easy job and then this evening I spent a few hours completely cleaning the house and doing laundry.  We're ready for the week!  I intend to get up fairly early tomorrow to get a walk and/or jog in.  I'm definitely physically tired.

This evening I'm going to work a little on my book and then read in bed.  I'm going to brush my teeth soon so I won't be tempted to eat anymore. 

Not looking forward to tomorrow much, but needs must.  I'll be very busy since I didn't work much last week. 

Confession Time

I haven't wanted to blog for one simple reason:  I have totally IGNORED my public committment to getting serious about my weight loss.  I have almost done the opposite! I haven't exercised in three days, or logged my food or even really made any effort to choose my foods wisely.  I've been eating fast food, junk food, sodas, brownies, ugh!  And of course my weight is back up to 136 this morning.  Craziness!  I have the opportunity to turn it around right now.  I don't have to wait until Monday or until I feel better or until I have a perfect day.  I can just decide here and now to do better.  Not expect perfection, but just do better.  Like eat some veggies and exercise today.  Drink some water.  Think about what I really want - food or to feel better? 

Committment

Following my really good weigh-in, I've had two days of overeating again.  Not binging (that's progress!) but still eating more than I'm burning.  I'm exercising but not enough to balance the eating.  So, I'm making a public committment to my cause here.  I know I can do this, I've done it before.  I have been losing and regaining the same few pounds for 6 months now.  This is ridiculous.  It's not that hard, I just need the mindset to do it.  So, no more excuses, no more justification, no more whining about how hard it is or how unhappy I am.  Just freakin do it!  I'm logging my food (good!), exercising every day (excellent!) and now I'm going to actually stick to my calorie limit, which is 1400 calories per day.  NOT exactly starving myself, right?  That's 1400 calories in, 2100 calories out, for a pound loss per week.  NOT hard!  Just gotta keep my head in the game.  I'm making a committment to do it right here, right now. 

I also want to get more serious about my running.  I was watching the BL last night and my least fav contenstant, Elizabeth, ran a marathon!  Her time wasn't great, but she still did it.  She's still quite heavy and not the strongest person in the world, so if she can do that then I can certainly run longer than 2 miles. 

So, I'm also making a committment to get up in the morning and go for a run.  Or run in the evening if hubby isn't around in the morning.  Whatever it takes, run my little legs off.  I've always wanted to run a marathon, so why not start training for one?  What am I waiting for?  I'm always talking about wanting to do things but not doing them and then feeling like a loser.  I'm controlling all that.  I can make the changes. 

So everyday I'll post my calories in, calories out, and miles run.  That's my public committment.

Excellent Weigh-In

Last week was a horrible weigh-in at 136.  This morning, I weighed in at 132.2.  Very pleased.  Very happy with myself, too, because looking back at my food log I haven't had a binge in over a week.  And I logged all my food every day the past seven days.  I didn't have a deficit every day, but on the days I had a surplus it wasn't much of one and I had more deficit days than surplus. 

I took a sick day from work today to work on my book.  I started rewriting a book I had written in 1999 Thanksgiving weekend and had already written 28,000 words as of this morning.  I've been making good progress so far today.  It's going really well.  I'm hoping to get to 40,000 words by the end of today.

Yesterday morning I got up first thing and jogged.  Today I had planned on jogging but I think instead I will play my Wii workouts.  Maybe Zumba and Biggest Loser.  Doing pretty well with my calories so far.  Just gotta stay busy and keep my head in the game.  Not looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow; but needs must.  Bad enough I took today off.  Luckily, hubby has been working a lot lately.  And I AM working, actually, just not doing something with an immediate payoff. 

Anyway, back to writing...

Deficit!

I've had two consecutive days of having a deficit! I'm very happy with myself for that.  I also went out last night and bought the Zumba game for my Wii.  I've been wanting to put some variety back into my exercise routine, but the classes are overcrowded and expensive here.  I really don't want to pay for a gym membership at the moment, either.  I've been reading about the Zumba game and, even though it's nearly Christmas and I probably shouldn't be buying myself anything, I went out and got the game anyway.  I'm glad I did! It was fun and a good workout.  And since I can do it anytime, I should have no problem getting in the time on it. 

This morning I'm intending to jog before I shower and get ready to go to my parents' to help put up Christmas lights.  I really want to keep my calorie burn up.  I've been hitting my target for a few days now and I want to keep that up.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me for some reason.  I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed.  I just didn't feel like there was anything worth getting up for.  Eventually I had to get up, but I was not feeling happy.  When hubby got home from work I instigated an argument from him.  I called him fat and lazy, although not in so many words of course.  I'm sure I was projecting, although he IS fat at the moment.  And he doesn't ever want to do anything because of his weight.  But, I learned years ago not to wait for him to do things; to only rely on myself for company.

So, I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and accomplishing little.  I finally got over myself in the early evening and got some stuff done around the house.  Then I decided to get the Wii game. 

I haven't been able to get on any medication for my depression as I had intended because my insurance denied me treatment with mental health through the clinic where my primary is.  I can't get in to see my primary until March.  So, either I go to urgent care and try to get medication that way or I wait until March.  Most days, I think I can handle my depression by just exercising and trying to get outside and trying to think positively.  Yesterday I thought I really needed medication.  There are some definite drawbacks to the medication.  I'm not sure what I want to do, so I'm waiting until March when I can talk to my primary.

On a very positive note, I've not had a binge! I'm very, very, very happy for that.  I even wondered yesterday if part of why I was struggling so much was because I haven't been binging and therefore the feelings got bottled up.  I'm not sure if that's really what was happening, but I'd rather that than a binge.

Broke Even

Yesterday was a break even day.  I made my plan and stuck with it...until last night.  I didn't eat a LOT but I did push my calories in to 1700.  And although I worked out, apparently not enough because I only burned 1700.  Better than a gain.  Still, I don't know why I find it so difficult not to eat at night!  I stuck to my plan (had my dinner planned out and added to my calorie counter, went out for fresh air earlier in the day, exercised that night and even cleaned the house).  I wasn't really hungry, just wanting to eat.  Fortunately I only ate 350 calories worth, but still not great. 

Well, today is a new day.  And I still haven't all-out binged, so that's something.  And I'm working out most days, so that's something too.

I get the day off work today, yay.  Kinda, I will have to do a couple things later just cuz they need doing, but it won't take me long.  My dad and I are going shopping for my mother's xmas presents from him.  He wants to get her some clothes because she lost a lot of weight last year and really hasn't replaced her replaced her wardrobe.  She's constantly wearing clothes several sizes too big.

Finding clothes that should fit her might not be easy, though.  She is very petite in stature like me so she only weighs about 95 pounds.  Forget getting clothes that fit in length (don't even bother!) but she wears a 1 and swears she can never find the size.  I begged to differ because my daughter wore a 1 for a couple years and she never had trouble finding clothes in her size.  Course, that may be because she was shopping in the junior sections.  I'm sure we'll find something, though.

Not much else going on this weekend.  Just going to enjoy my (mostly) day off.  Get some writing done.  I'm 50 pages into my book!  Very excited since I only started last weekend.

The good news...

it wasn't a binge.  The bad news is I drank 700 calories tonight.  Annoying because I'd done well for a few days and I really wanted to get down from my last weigh-in.  But, still, it wasn't a binge.  And I had two days of having a calorie deficit.  Not enough for even a pound (850 calories to be precise) but a deficit!  Today was a surplus.  Not only did I drink more than a meal's worth in drinks (egg nog and brandy to be precise) but I didn't exercise.  Ah well.  Not a binge!!  Gotta focus on the positive.

Yesterday I had an excellent workout.  I was jogging/walking and got near the 5k mark, which is my goal usually, and I wanted to get in under 50 minutes, but was running out of the time, so I upped my pace until I was flat-out running.  I held the run for several minutes.  It felt great!  I couldn't believe I was able to run for so long.  Not jog, actual run.  I was absolutely soaked with sweat and my legs were shaky by the time I was done, but I felt incredible.  Sometimes I amaze myself with how far I've come with my aerobic fitness.  I may have lost some of the strength in my arms and my abdominals, but I definitely haven't backtracked with my aerobic ability.  Despite not having walked or jogged today, I've done over ten miles this week.  And I will definitely get on the treadmill tomorrow.  Its also my day for some strength training. I did some yesterday after my run and it is my plan to do so every other day until I regain my fitness from a few months ago.  Particularly with regard to my abdominals because my back has been really achey the last couple months.

In other news, I am completely done christmas shopping for the kids and, as of tonight, I'm done wrapping presents for them!!  I can't believe it's only the first and I've completely finished shopping and wrapping and filling their stockings.  Actually, I just burst my own bubble because I've just remembered I have a couple more packages coming in the mail.  Dang!  But, still, the majority is wrapped AND I'm done shopping for them.  All I still have to buy for is my dad and my husband.  I know what I'm getting my dad and I have no idea what to get my husband.  He tends to buy things when he wants them so he doesn't exactly have a wish list.