1. I feel sorry for myself. I have had a hard day (at work, home, with kids or hubby) and I deserve a treat. I'm having to work too many hours and I need a pick-me-up. Or my husband is being an ass. Or I've just finished work, then did all the cleaning and cooking and kid caring and now I want to sit down and watch TV and have something good to eat.
2. I am upset. Who cares if I overeat? Who cares if I'm fat? Who cares if I'm unhealthy? I certainly don't care right now. I just want to feel better.
3. I'm a sucker for the power of suggestion. If I see someone eating on TV, I want to eat. If I read about food in a book, I want that food. Even if it's something stupid, like a cheese sandwich, I suddenly really want a cheese sandwich and I will not rest until I have one.
4. I LOVE the taste of food. I love how food feels in my mouth. I love how I feel when I eat something that tastes divine. My favorite memories are related to food. I constantly think about food. I love shopping for food, making food and especially eating food. I can tell you everything that is in my fridge and cupboard right now. I can recite the foods I bought at the grocery store last as though I had the receipt in front of me.
These are my food issues. I struggle every minute of every day. I have to stay active to burn off the calories that I eat, but I don't always do enough to cover all I eat, especially as the majority of my eating is done at night. I can eat a couple thousand calories between 9 and 11pm. It's a bit hard to compete with that with exercise, especially as I have a sedentary job. And I do exercise; I ride a bike or walk/jog on my treadmill. I have a zillion workout DVD's and I borrow still more from the library. I've had no less than 5 gym memberships, and I've actually attended them from time to time. I was going to Zumba classes before I recently moved from that gym. I exercise most days for at least 30 minutes. I have a Bodybugg. I know what I burn. I know I eat more than I burn. I know that causes weight gain. Still, I eat.
It doesn't help that I'm often upset. My husband is a very difficult person to live with. We recently moved back to live near my family because I really missed them but my husband does not make it easy for me to have a relationship with them. I think he is jealous. He resents the time I spend with my family, even though he denies it. He makes incediary comments to them. He is condescending and belittling. He argues with my dad and insults my sister. Not all the time, mind you. He behaves himself most of the time. He only does these things just often enough to cause friction and make me uncomfortable. He wants me to be uncomfortable so that I will avoid seeing my family.
Also, I am not happy with my job. It has become boring and monotonous. But, I need to earn some money because my husband does not like to work. He has a job that requires him to be self-motivated. He only gets paid for the hours he puts in and no one is telling him to put in hours. He has the work available, but he has to actually do the work and he doesn't. He only worked 30 hours over two weeks for his last pay period. That left us very short on our finances. But, because of his caustic personality, I can't say anything about it. I can only keep working myself.
Some might say that I should just divorce my hutsband. I will not do that. I have kids with my husband. I have been divorced before and it does not solve anything. I just need to be happy independently of my husband and find a way to make things work with him. For instance, if we divorced, I would still have financial strain. And I would still have to communicate with him because of our kids. Only it would be worse because he would be extra hateful toward me. At least most of the time now he tries to behave to some degree. Tries to keep things on friendly terms for the peace of the household. I guess we both do that. So, no, divorce would not be the answer. If he was being abusive to me or the kids, I would agree, but it's not that. We have made our bed together and we must learn to sleep together in it.
With regard to my job, it is down to me to change that. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I don't write (except now, I guess). I believe I will always have a sense of failure as long as I am not a writer. I just need to take the plunge and start writing. Except, for some stupid reason I can never seem to think of something to write about. I say this is a stupid reason because I work for a private investigation company so ideas should be leaping out at me. I've lived long enough and seen enough that not having material for a book or a story is ridiculous. It is something else holding me back and subject ideas is just an excuse for not doing it.
These are a brief overview of my issues and upsets. I hope by writing here I can work through some of these issues and find a way to be happy with myself. Only then will I find the alternative to over-eating, in my opinion (or, according to all the books I've read anyway).
Blogging is good - one day it just hits ya right between the eyes.
ReplyDeleteAnd then ya say (if only to yourself) WTH?
At least, that's how it happened for me!