Last week went really well, as I had written. I stuck to my plan. I lost 2 pounds. I exercised daily. Saturday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and that went well.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
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