I have to admit, I really didn't want to get up this morning. It was so comfortable in my bed and I was so sleepy. I turned off my alarm at 7am and went back to sleep. I woke up at a 8 and thought, I should get up now, but I just continued to lay in bed until I went back to sleep again. I woke up at 8:50 and thought, okay now I really have to get up. This continued until shortly before 9:30 am when I finally, finally mentally kicked myself out of bed. I don't know if it was staying up too late and feeling extra tired, putting off my bike ride or just plain feeling comfortable, that kept me from wanting to get up. Maybe a combination?
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
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