Crash...and Burn

Today was not an easy day.  Actually, yesterday wasn't an easy day. 

As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th.  Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious.  I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing.  I was relieved when we finally left.  Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them.  Especially the wife, of course. 

Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc.  I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it.  The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.

Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am.  I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE.  At least, not at 6am.  Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed.  I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am). 

Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself.  Then I was excluded from a meeting, again.  I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor.  There are also 2 assistants in our department.  For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to.  Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings.  Why is that?!  I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts.  It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years.  In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts.  FFS!

Anyway, so that didn't help.  And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell.  Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.

I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity. 

Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out.  I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events.  I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems.  I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group.  In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself.  So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal.  How I respond to it is the problem.  And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo.  With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening.  I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones.  I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved.  I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural.  Eating in response is definitely not going to help.