A Re-vamp

I've decided that I'm tired of the merry-go-round.  I'm tired of trying to eat well and lose weight and then feeling disappointed when I over-eat and gain weight instead.  I'm tired of feeling let down by myself; of having no faith in myself; and in the continuous barrage of "why can't I... why don't I... what can I do?..."  I've asked myself so many times "what next? what will work?" that it is like a mantra.  I'm not even entirely conscious any more of these questions, they happen so frequently.

It has to stop, because honestly this is now how I want to spend the rest of my life and that is where I am headed.  I always think about my grandma in times like this - she struggled with her weight her entire life.  She was easily 100 pounds overweight as long as I had known her, even though she was *always* on a diet.  When she was in her 70s she suffered a major heart attack and ended up in rehab for months.  The thing I always remember about that is when she finally recovered her cognition, the thing she kept saying was how she had finally lost weight while she was too sick to eat.  She was so happy to have lost that weight!!  She dieted up until the day of her death, always dissatisfied she herself.  She always talked down about herself, never believing that she was worthwhile or smart or interesting or someone other people would want to be around.  She always acted like she was an imposition on everyone around her, just for being alive.  This is not how I want to feel about myself!

I have been reading the self-compassion diet book and on the one hand it does seem different to other diet books, but on the other, it is exactly the same.  Do this and you will lose weight.  Follow these recommendations and the weight will melt off by itself. 

I have spent so much of my life thinking about food and diet and calories in and calories out and fat and eat this but don't eat that.  My weight has gone up and down and up and down so that I always have at least 10 different sizes in my closet.  I am either happy with myself because I'm sticking to whatever plan I have going at the moment, or I'm miserably stuffing my face every evening and then castrating myself the next morning for being so weak and pathetic.

I want off this ride!!!

So, that's why I've decided that I'm just done.  I will continue to work on getting fit and I will continue to work being more accepting of myself.  I will still strive for being healthy and eating healthy foods.  But, I'm done dieting.  I'm not going to diet or count calories or read weight loss books again.  I'm done.