I have to give myself credit - I may not succeed, but I keep trying. I have been coming and going on this blog since 2010. I have made many attempts to find balance and happiness in my life my entire adult life. I definitely have my days, weeks, months or even years of sticking my head in the sand. Half-living by over-eating and under-doing. Just spending most of my waking hours escaping from my own thoughts. But, I bolster myself up and I try again, and again, and again... What else is there but to keep trying. And, honestly, it is just practice, isn't it? I may be a bit slow on the uptake, but I do learn a little bit each time I try.
It is now the beginning of 2014 and half a year since I last blogged. Since that time, I have changed jobs, moved to a new state, and gained another couple dozen pounds. I spent a lot of time in the last half year eating mindlessly. In fact, I think I ate more during that time than all the years prior. It was getting to the point, last fall, when I would go to bed with a stomachache and wake up with a stomachache and a headache. I felt awful all the time.
Right at the end of October 2013, I had had enough. I could not continue on feeling so bad all the time. I literally cleaned out my cupboards, threw away all sugar and flour filled foods and left myself with vegetables, meat, beans, rice and fruit. I ate that way until December 2013 and I was feeling very good during that time. I was exercising every day. I stopped feeling like I needed to eat every moment of every day. I lost weight and felt good about myself. I had crazy amounts of energy. I felt like I had hit upon THE answer. I was even going to sleep and waking up at the same times every day - it was awesome. I made it through Halloween without even a taste of candy passing my lips. After a couple weeks, I was able to re-introduce breads and cereals into the kitchen (my step-daughter and two kids still ate these) and not be tempted. I felt like a super-woman.
Mid-December, I went through a rough patch. My husband was driving long-haul at the time and had been gone for months. My step-daughter went back to England, from whence she came. I hit a depression and started suffering migraines again. I was watching TV one day (something I had been trying to avoid until that day) - I remember exactly what I was watching (Call the Midwife on Netflix) and that it was a Saturday. It was just me and my two younger kids. I was sad, headachy, angry, discontented, unhappy, and in pain. I stood on the brink and made a choice, which I regret to this day. I ate some white bread left behind by my step-daughter. That was all the invitation THAT part of my brain needed. I was back on sugar and flour and all the other junk I had been avoiding.
Since that day, I have re-gained the lost weight plus some. I am back to daily headaches, low energy, feeling sad and depressed. My husband is back home (he didn't like being gone that much) and found a local job. My adult son moved in with us (and I'm happy to have him here!). Everything is good EXCEPT this daily battle with food. Since December, I have tried numerous times to get back to no sugar/no flour, because I felt good then. I would go a few days and then give in to the cravings.
Part of the difficulty now is that I no longer have complete control over the environment. When I ate this way before, I was able to remove all junk from the kitchen to get over the initial hump. I didn't have to have any internal battles because the junk WASN'T THERE. I could go into the kitchen and eat anything I wanted and still be true to my new way of eating. Now, though, both my son and my husband have their foods and beverages and I can't demand they not have them. My husband likes sugar in his coffee and bread and butter with his dinner. My son drinks endless cokes, and chocolate milk and brings home crackers and cookies.
However, I can do this. I am strong enough and capable enough. As I kept telling myself the first time around and I will remind myself this time around, I was able to quit smoking and that was hard. I can break this sugar addiction too.
So, here's to day 1 of 30 days of no sugar/no flour. Just to get me started. :)
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig
So, I have this well-paved habit for myself. It starts with my morning, when I set my alarm for 6am and then snooze until 7:45am, which is the very latest I can possibly get up and still have time to brush my hair and make it to work on time. This is followed by 8.5 hours of practicing the art of ass-flattening and eye straining. I sit and I work on a computer or I sit at the kitchen table and eat my lunch, until it is finally time to go home. I also practice more ass flattening and frustration making as I drive home from work. Lots of ass flattening. I then get home and whaddyaknow.... more ass flattening.
You would think that after literally spending ALL day sitting, as soon as I was off work I would literally stand or walk my way through my evening and night, just to give my ass a break for a while. But, you would be wrong. My ass craves flattening, apparently. I get home and my entire body and mind are straining for the couch, like a dog on a leash going after a loose kitty. Or squirrel. So, it's home, stuff down, and ass plant on the couch where I can spend the next several hours watching mindless TV and eating.
There have been some improvements in the last few weeks. Some forcing of myself away from the TV, either to exercise or read or tidy up around the house. Even if just for a half hour or an hour, it is an improvement. Still, I wish I could rewrite my daily path. I guess I am working on rewriting it and I shouldn't expect change overnight and just give myself a break about it.
Tonight I desultorily exercised in front of the TV because I couldn't force myself away from the excitement that is prime time reality TV. It is just too stimulating. Either that or I just couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Or maybe I just need a break from my own thoughts, and TV certainly does that for me, for the most part. I'm not sure how, now that I think about it. Because, kidding aside, it really isn't very stimulating or engaging at all, so how does it work for escapism? Are there subliminal messages going on? Maybe some hypnotizing so actually I'm asleep but don't realize it?
Honestly, I don't know why TV works and it didn't used to. I have spend many of my adult years not having TV at all and not missing it. Strange that I am so addicted to watching it at the moment when this has not been a long-time habit. With that, you would think I'd have a lot easier time shutting it off. Maybe I'm really, really needing some easy distraction because I'm just that unhappy with my life, like way more than ever before. That thought is not joyful making.
I think I'll go brush my teeth.
You would think that after literally spending ALL day sitting, as soon as I was off work I would literally stand or walk my way through my evening and night, just to give my ass a break for a while. But, you would be wrong. My ass craves flattening, apparently. I get home and my entire body and mind are straining for the couch, like a dog on a leash going after a loose kitty. Or squirrel. So, it's home, stuff down, and ass plant on the couch where I can spend the next several hours watching mindless TV and eating.
There have been some improvements in the last few weeks. Some forcing of myself away from the TV, either to exercise or read or tidy up around the house. Even if just for a half hour or an hour, it is an improvement. Still, I wish I could rewrite my daily path. I guess I am working on rewriting it and I shouldn't expect change overnight and just give myself a break about it.
Tonight I desultorily exercised in front of the TV because I couldn't force myself away from the excitement that is prime time reality TV. It is just too stimulating. Either that or I just couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Or maybe I just need a break from my own thoughts, and TV certainly does that for me, for the most part. I'm not sure how, now that I think about it. Because, kidding aside, it really isn't very stimulating or engaging at all, so how does it work for escapism? Are there subliminal messages going on? Maybe some hypnotizing so actually I'm asleep but don't realize it?
Honestly, I don't know why TV works and it didn't used to. I have spend many of my adult years not having TV at all and not missing it. Strange that I am so addicted to watching it at the moment when this has not been a long-time habit. With that, you would think I'd have a lot easier time shutting it off. Maybe I'm really, really needing some easy distraction because I'm just that unhappy with my life, like way more than ever before. That thought is not joyful making.
I think I'll go brush my teeth.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
A Bullet is the Answer
After pondering my utter lack of will-power and inability to steer clear of the TV (while eating), I only have one option left: A bullet to the middle of the screen. If I only had a gun...
Today started out well enough. I ate some yogurt/granola/fruit mix for breakfast, a veggie/bean burrito for lunch and then made spaghetti for dinner with whole wheat noodles and ground turkey. The problem started (and ended) when I sat in front of the TV to eat my dinner. What followed was yet another practice in over-eating. Honestly, I always considered myself to be somewhat intelligent, but I truly have to question that assumption at this point. Now I sit, again, overfull and feeling rather gross and wondering why the hell I keep doing this to myself.
I even tried to walk it off. I walked for 2.5 miles, then did some meditation/yoga, before sitting down here. I still feel gross. In fact, now that I'm sitting, I feel double gross. I feel like I will never feel not-gross again. And given the fact I felt this way last night, it is no wonder that I assume this is how my evenings will go forever and ever, ad nauseum.
I had my mindful moment during yoga and also earlier on my walk.
Today was a little on the stressful side because I accompanied the VP on a training at one of our clients'. I had never been on a client visit so I wasn't too sure what to expect and spending a long time alone with upper management is a little nerve-wracking. We were literally in the car together for two hours, alone. And I tend to talk too much. I don't sit well with silence. So, I babbled and talked and pretty much told the VP way too much about myself and my husband. Like WAY too much. Now I'll be embarrassed whenever I see her in the office.
Anyway, otherwise work went okay. I kinda accidentally threw someone under the bus who didn't need to be thrown under the bus so that kinda sucked and I'm going to have to be a big girl and admit my mistake tomorrow, which double sucks...
Still, life is good, right? Right??
Today started out well enough. I ate some yogurt/granola/fruit mix for breakfast, a veggie/bean burrito for lunch and then made spaghetti for dinner with whole wheat noodles and ground turkey. The problem started (and ended) when I sat in front of the TV to eat my dinner. What followed was yet another practice in over-eating. Honestly, I always considered myself to be somewhat intelligent, but I truly have to question that assumption at this point. Now I sit, again, overfull and feeling rather gross and wondering why the hell I keep doing this to myself.
I even tried to walk it off. I walked for 2.5 miles, then did some meditation/yoga, before sitting down here. I still feel gross. In fact, now that I'm sitting, I feel double gross. I feel like I will never feel not-gross again. And given the fact I felt this way last night, it is no wonder that I assume this is how my evenings will go forever and ever, ad nauseum.
I had my mindful moment during yoga and also earlier on my walk.
Today was a little on the stressful side because I accompanied the VP on a training at one of our clients'. I had never been on a client visit so I wasn't too sure what to expect and spending a long time alone with upper management is a little nerve-wracking. We were literally in the car together for two hours, alone. And I tend to talk too much. I don't sit well with silence. So, I babbled and talked and pretty much told the VP way too much about myself and my husband. Like WAY too much. Now I'll be embarrassed whenever I see her in the office.
Anyway, otherwise work went okay. I kinda accidentally threw someone under the bus who didn't need to be thrown under the bus so that kinda sucked and I'm going to have to be a big girl and admit my mistake tomorrow, which double sucks...
Still, life is good, right? Right??
Monday, August 5, 2013
I Ate Too Much Candy
I'm allowed to eat candy, insofar as I don't ban myself from eating any food anymore. If I want to eat candy, I can, without feeling like a failure. If I want to eat cake, I can do that too. However, it is not cool when I eat to the point of feeling gross. That is not okay, because the whole purpose of this new practice of eating is to feel BETTER, not WORSE. And the huge surprise of the day: My over-consumption of candy occurred while watching TV. I know, astonishing. The last time I overate - Friday - was while watching a movie. Saturday and Sunday I refused to allow myself to watch TV (or a movie) and guess what? No overeating. I may not be the brightest star in the universe, but even I can detect the correlation. (Not that I didn't know this before, but it's good to be reminded.)
I was planning on getting up early this morning, but it didn't happen. I did, however, get to work on time and worked the entire day without problem. Tomorrow I do have to get up early because I'll be joining the VP on an office visit and I have to meet her before 8am. That means I have to be on the road before 7am. Ugh! It's going to be hard going. I'm just so not a morning person. (And that's okay, because I accept myself for who I am.) I have a plan in place though. I'm going to get in bed before 9pm and lights out by 10pm. I even took half a sleeping pill to help (because I know whenever I have to get up early, that's when I can't sleep because I'm all freaked out worrying that I won't get enough sleep).
I tried doing a Yoga practice this evening, but my stomach was overfull :(. It was just too distracting. I honestly can't believe how uncomfortable I feel right now. I think because when I overeat, I tend to continue to watch TV and so I'm not as aware of how I feel. Tonight, however, I turned off the TV after watching one show and was instantly aware of feeling bad. Now I'm sitting here typing this and I swear it feels like a swallowed a balloon and it is expanding with every breath I take, that's how full I feel.
But, done and over and on to other things.
I didn't have a mindful moment today. Hmmm...I guess I still need to practice that. Or maybe I did have a mindful moment, since I became aware of how full my stomach feels. I can probably count that as a mindful moment.
I feel grateful today that I have a good job. Even though I don't always want to go, I am lucky in that it is something I am good at, I get paid a decent wage, and I work with pretty good people. Not perfect, but then neither am I. In fact, it would be hard to work with perfect people, not to mention downright impossible since no one can be perfect. I also have good work hours and I'm able to come home every night to make dinner and spend time with the kids. It's a good life.
I was planning on getting up early this morning, but it didn't happen. I did, however, get to work on time and worked the entire day without problem. Tomorrow I do have to get up early because I'll be joining the VP on an office visit and I have to meet her before 8am. That means I have to be on the road before 7am. Ugh! It's going to be hard going. I'm just so not a morning person. (And that's okay, because I accept myself for who I am.) I have a plan in place though. I'm going to get in bed before 9pm and lights out by 10pm. I even took half a sleeping pill to help (because I know whenever I have to get up early, that's when I can't sleep because I'm all freaked out worrying that I won't get enough sleep).
I tried doing a Yoga practice this evening, but my stomach was overfull :(. It was just too distracting. I honestly can't believe how uncomfortable I feel right now. I think because when I overeat, I tend to continue to watch TV and so I'm not as aware of how I feel. Tonight, however, I turned off the TV after watching one show and was instantly aware of feeling bad. Now I'm sitting here typing this and I swear it feels like a swallowed a balloon and it is expanding with every breath I take, that's how full I feel.
But, done and over and on to other things.
I didn't have a mindful moment today. Hmmm...I guess I still need to practice that. Or maybe I did have a mindful moment, since I became aware of how full my stomach feels. I can probably count that as a mindful moment.
I feel grateful today that I have a good job. Even though I don't always want to go, I am lucky in that it is something I am good at, I get paid a decent wage, and I work with pretty good people. Not perfect, but then neither am I. In fact, it would be hard to work with perfect people, not to mention downright impossible since no one can be perfect. I also have good work hours and I'm able to come home every night to make dinner and spend time with the kids. It's a good life.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Goal Met
With my extra day, I was able to achieve my goal, exercising a total of 520 minutes. Today I went for a long walk while I talked to my mom on my cell. We don't generally have a close relationship, but I try to improve that as much as I can, when I can. I like to spend my walks catching up with my family.
I am creating a new weekly tradition of having the kids create a menu for Sunday night dinner and then I help them make it. We're choosing recipes and ideas from a kids' healthy cookbook so the meals are easy and fun to make, while also being healthy. Tonight it was whole wheat personal pizzas, salad, a rice and veggie side and fruit and yogurt parfait for dessert. It's actually surprisingly fun and I feel good that I'm teaching my kids some important life skills. Plus, it's all super tasty. We start early so I'm able to get the mess cleaned up fairly early and then enjoy my Sunday evening. Tonight I read a bit on my kindle outside while the kids rode their bikes up and down the street. We're fortunate to live on a cul-de-sac in a residential area thick with families with young kids so I feel pretty comfortable letting them ride their bikes out front (although no unsupervised, of course). Their friends from the house behind us joined them, but then that became a PITA because the youngest was riding a scooter that had a mind of its own and didn't go very fast so that she was constantly left far behind, which was a cause for tears and upset and I finally told everyone it was time to go in.
My day has been otherwise pretty chill. I did some grocery shopping, tidying, laundry. The usual stuff. I plan to be in bed by 9:30 and lights out by 10:30. I got up pretty late this morning so it might be hard to get to sleep, but I'll make a go of it anyway and hope for the best.
I am creating a new weekly tradition of having the kids create a menu for Sunday night dinner and then I help them make it. We're choosing recipes and ideas from a kids' healthy cookbook so the meals are easy and fun to make, while also being healthy. Tonight it was whole wheat personal pizzas, salad, a rice and veggie side and fruit and yogurt parfait for dessert. It's actually surprisingly fun and I feel good that I'm teaching my kids some important life skills. Plus, it's all super tasty. We start early so I'm able to get the mess cleaned up fairly early and then enjoy my Sunday evening. Tonight I read a bit on my kindle outside while the kids rode their bikes up and down the street. We're fortunate to live on a cul-de-sac in a residential area thick with families with young kids so I feel pretty comfortable letting them ride their bikes out front (although no unsupervised, of course). Their friends from the house behind us joined them, but then that became a PITA because the youngest was riding a scooter that had a mind of its own and didn't go very fast so that she was constantly left far behind, which was a cause for tears and upset and I finally told everyone it was time to go in.
My day has been otherwise pretty chill. I did some grocery shopping, tidying, laundry. The usual stuff. I plan to be in bed by 9:30 and lights out by 10:30. I got up pretty late this morning so it might be hard to get to sleep, but I'll make a go of it anyway and hope for the best.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
One More Day
Today is my goal day. Two weeks ago, I set myself a goal of working out for 500 minutes by today. I've decided to give myself another day to make my goal. I've done really well and I'm at 470 minutes, which is awesome. I have worked out most days, some for more than the 35 minutes I needed to average each day to make goal, and some for less than the 35 minutes, and a few days when I didn't work out at all. Obviously, on the days I worked out for less, or didn't at all, weren't quite made up for on the days when I worked out longer. But, all in all I'm quite happy with my progress. I'm good with adding another day to the goal and not feeling like I somehow failed. I didn't fail; not by a long shot. I went from exercising one or two days per week to exercising nearly every day. And from exercising for maybe 20 minutes at a time to as long as an hour and ten minutes. The real goal was to increase my exercise and I did that.
Feeling accepting toward myself is still a struggle, as is not dieting. I went online this morning to look at new diets after a rather excessive eat-fest last night, but then I got ahold of myself. It is precisely the restrictive diets that I've found online or in commercials over the last 20 years that have formed my current relationship with food and I'm super determined to change the radio station. This might mean some additional weight gain to get there. While I don't relish the idea of gaining weight, and it seems counterproductive to being more healthy, I honestly feel like if I just stick it out and continue going as I am, then I will start to truly recover from my food issues. Restricting food is not going to help me. I really, really don't want to gain more weight - I don't like how I feel when I'm heavier; I'm having a harder and harder time trying to find clothes that fit; and I'm embarrassed about my weight when I'm in public. However, it just might be what I have to do to get to where I really want to go. Sounds crazy, but it's the one thing I haven't tried.
It other news, I am saying no to television this weekend. I spend way too much time mindlessly watching crap and I think I can find much better ways to spend my time. You get out of life what you put in and if I put in a lot of mindless TV watching, then I'm going to get out a lot of nothing. So, off with the TV and on with more productive ways to spend my time. I'm also going to be working on creating an awesome Monday morning, something to actually look forward to. I'm still working on that but I'll come up with something.
Feeling accepting toward myself is still a struggle, as is not dieting. I went online this morning to look at new diets after a rather excessive eat-fest last night, but then I got ahold of myself. It is precisely the restrictive diets that I've found online or in commercials over the last 20 years that have formed my current relationship with food and I'm super determined to change the radio station. This might mean some additional weight gain to get there. While I don't relish the idea of gaining weight, and it seems counterproductive to being more healthy, I honestly feel like if I just stick it out and continue going as I am, then I will start to truly recover from my food issues. Restricting food is not going to help me. I really, really don't want to gain more weight - I don't like how I feel when I'm heavier; I'm having a harder and harder time trying to find clothes that fit; and I'm embarrassed about my weight when I'm in public. However, it just might be what I have to do to get to where I really want to go. Sounds crazy, but it's the one thing I haven't tried.
It other news, I am saying no to television this weekend. I spend way too much time mindlessly watching crap and I think I can find much better ways to spend my time. You get out of life what you put in and if I put in a lot of mindless TV watching, then I'm going to get out a lot of nothing. So, off with the TV and on with more productive ways to spend my time. I'm also going to be working on creating an awesome Monday morning, something to actually look forward to. I'm still working on that but I'll come up with something.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Yoga Day 2
I did Yoga again today, this time from a book I've had for a few weeks that shows some of the easier poses. This way I can take my time to try to twist my body into something resembling the picture and then hold it for a few seconds. My back hurts. It's way harder than it looks. My muscles were burning and shaking on some of the poses. Others, it just hurt to position myself that way. Still others were fine. I don't like the human pretzel poses but I do like the balancing poses, because it feels a little like a game, like we would play when we were kids on the school ground. (I don't know who I am referring to in the "we.")
As part of my trying to enjoy life more, which includes adding laughter to my life, I've been listening to an Ellen DeGeneres audio book on my drives to and fro work, and it is laugh-out-loud funny. I really don't want to re-tell some of her jokes on here, because I don't have comedic timing and you wouldn't enjoy it without actually listening to her tell it, but this is a type of therapy I can enjoy.
So, since I don't tend to feel like doing anything, and I honestly believe that I need to put in more of what I want out of life, I'm going to break my blog down a bit. So, here's how I want to do it:
1. My Mindful Moment: Today I had a mindful moment when I was driving home and I noticed how the grass went from really green to really brown in just a few yards. I stopped thinking about other stuff and just noticed the grass, for a moment.
2. My Do It Anyway Moment: I stopped by the store and got milk even though I really didn't want to. (Okay, I had the added motivation of also getting brownie mix, but still.)
3. My Exercise Minutes (because I want to do more than a moment): Yoga (see above) I also plan on a short walk this evening (after the brownies because THAT will work off those calories).
4. My I Like Myself Moment: I received a rather snooty email from a coworker and rather than respond to it equally snooty, I just responded by saying thank you, quite nicely.
So that's it. Those are my moments (and minutes). Incidentally, I'm up to 385 minutes toward my 500 minutes of exercise goal. A bit short of the mark for my average daily, but well within shooting distance to reach my goal of 500 minutes on Saturday.
As part of my trying to enjoy life more, which includes adding laughter to my life, I've been listening to an Ellen DeGeneres audio book on my drives to and fro work, and it is laugh-out-loud funny. I really don't want to re-tell some of her jokes on here, because I don't have comedic timing and you wouldn't enjoy it without actually listening to her tell it, but this is a type of therapy I can enjoy.
So, since I don't tend to feel like doing anything, and I honestly believe that I need to put in more of what I want out of life, I'm going to break my blog down a bit. So, here's how I want to do it:
1. My Mindful Moment: Today I had a mindful moment when I was driving home and I noticed how the grass went from really green to really brown in just a few yards. I stopped thinking about other stuff and just noticed the grass, for a moment.
2. My Do It Anyway Moment: I stopped by the store and got milk even though I really didn't want to. (Okay, I had the added motivation of also getting brownie mix, but still.)
3. My Exercise Minutes (because I want to do more than a moment): Yoga (see above) I also plan on a short walk this evening (after the brownies because THAT will work off those calories).
4. My I Like Myself Moment: I received a rather snooty email from a coworker and rather than respond to it equally snooty, I just responded by saying thank you, quite nicely.
So that's it. Those are my moments (and minutes). Incidentally, I'm up to 385 minutes toward my 500 minutes of exercise goal. A bit short of the mark for my average daily, but well within shooting distance to reach my goal of 500 minutes on Saturday.
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