I have to give myself credit - I may not succeed, but I keep trying. I have been coming and going on this blog since 2010. I have made many attempts to find balance and happiness in my life my entire adult life. I definitely have my days, weeks, months or even years of sticking my head in the sand. Half-living by over-eating and under-doing. Just spending most of my waking hours escaping from my own thoughts. But, I bolster myself up and I try again, and again, and again... What else is there but to keep trying. And, honestly, it is just practice, isn't it? I may be a bit slow on the uptake, but I do learn a little bit each time I try.
It is now the beginning of 2014 and half a year since I last blogged. Since that time, I have changed jobs, moved to a new state, and gained another couple dozen pounds. I spent a lot of time in the last half year eating mindlessly. In fact, I think I ate more during that time than all the years prior. It was getting to the point, last fall, when I would go to bed with a stomachache and wake up with a stomachache and a headache. I felt awful all the time.
Right at the end of October 2013, I had had enough. I could not continue on feeling so bad all the time. I literally cleaned out my cupboards, threw away all sugar and flour filled foods and left myself with vegetables, meat, beans, rice and fruit. I ate that way until December 2013 and I was feeling very good during that time. I was exercising every day. I stopped feeling like I needed to eat every moment of every day. I lost weight and felt good about myself. I had crazy amounts of energy. I felt like I had hit upon THE answer. I was even going to sleep and waking up at the same times every day - it was awesome. I made it through Halloween without even a taste of candy passing my lips. After a couple weeks, I was able to re-introduce breads and cereals into the kitchen (my step-daughter and two kids still ate these) and not be tempted. I felt like a super-woman.
Mid-December, I went through a rough patch. My husband was driving long-haul at the time and had been gone for months. My step-daughter went back to England, from whence she came. I hit a depression and started suffering migraines again. I was watching TV one day (something I had been trying to avoid until that day) - I remember exactly what I was watching (Call the Midwife on Netflix) and that it was a Saturday. It was just me and my two younger kids. I was sad, headachy, angry, discontented, unhappy, and in pain. I stood on the brink and made a choice, which I regret to this day. I ate some white bread left behind by my step-daughter. That was all the invitation THAT part of my brain needed. I was back on sugar and flour and all the other junk I had been avoiding.
Since that day, I have re-gained the lost weight plus some. I am back to daily headaches, low energy, feeling sad and depressed. My husband is back home (he didn't like being gone that much) and found a local job. My adult son moved in with us (and I'm happy to have him here!). Everything is good EXCEPT this daily battle with food. Since December, I have tried numerous times to get back to no sugar/no flour, because I felt good then. I would go a few days and then give in to the cravings.
Part of the difficulty now is that I no longer have complete control over the environment. When I ate this way before, I was able to remove all junk from the kitchen to get over the initial hump. I didn't have to have any internal battles because the junk WASN'T THERE. I could go into the kitchen and eat anything I wanted and still be true to my new way of eating. Now, though, both my son and my husband have their foods and beverages and I can't demand they not have them. My husband likes sugar in his coffee and bread and butter with his dinner. My son drinks endless cokes, and chocolate milk and brings home crackers and cookies.
However, I can do this. I am strong enough and capable enough. As I kept telling myself the first time around and I will remind myself this time around, I was able to quit smoking and that was hard. I can break this sugar addiction too.
So, here's to day 1 of 30 days of no sugar/no flour. Just to get me started. :)
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