Recovered

I've recovered my committment.  It wasn't a lost cause.  Yesterday and today I've done very well with my eating and exercise.  I ate 1000 calories yesterday and 1100 calories today.  I still have a few hours to get through, but I feel confident I will do well tonight.  I feel in control again.  I walked/jogged 4 miles yesterday and walked 1 mile today.  I also spent the better part of the morning mowing the yard and trimming the bushes, which was no easy job and then this evening I spent a few hours completely cleaning the house and doing laundry.  We're ready for the week!  I intend to get up fairly early tomorrow to get a walk and/or jog in.  I'm definitely physically tired.

This evening I'm going to work a little on my book and then read in bed.  I'm going to brush my teeth soon so I won't be tempted to eat anymore. 

Not looking forward to tomorrow much, but needs must.  I'll be very busy since I didn't work much last week. 

Confession Time

I haven't wanted to blog for one simple reason:  I have totally IGNORED my public committment to getting serious about my weight loss.  I have almost done the opposite! I haven't exercised in three days, or logged my food or even really made any effort to choose my foods wisely.  I've been eating fast food, junk food, sodas, brownies, ugh!  And of course my weight is back up to 136 this morning.  Craziness!  I have the opportunity to turn it around right now.  I don't have to wait until Monday or until I feel better or until I have a perfect day.  I can just decide here and now to do better.  Not expect perfection, but just do better.  Like eat some veggies and exercise today.  Drink some water.  Think about what I really want - food or to feel better? 

Committment

Following my really good weigh-in, I've had two days of overeating again.  Not binging (that's progress!) but still eating more than I'm burning.  I'm exercising but not enough to balance the eating.  So, I'm making a public committment to my cause here.  I know I can do this, I've done it before.  I have been losing and regaining the same few pounds for 6 months now.  This is ridiculous.  It's not that hard, I just need the mindset to do it.  So, no more excuses, no more justification, no more whining about how hard it is or how unhappy I am.  Just freakin do it!  I'm logging my food (good!), exercising every day (excellent!) and now I'm going to actually stick to my calorie limit, which is 1400 calories per day.  NOT exactly starving myself, right?  That's 1400 calories in, 2100 calories out, for a pound loss per week.  NOT hard!  Just gotta keep my head in the game.  I'm making a committment to do it right here, right now. 

I also want to get more serious about my running.  I was watching the BL last night and my least fav contenstant, Elizabeth, ran a marathon!  Her time wasn't great, but she still did it.  She's still quite heavy and not the strongest person in the world, so if she can do that then I can certainly run longer than 2 miles. 

So, I'm also making a committment to get up in the morning and go for a run.  Or run in the evening if hubby isn't around in the morning.  Whatever it takes, run my little legs off.  I've always wanted to run a marathon, so why not start training for one?  What am I waiting for?  I'm always talking about wanting to do things but not doing them and then feeling like a loser.  I'm controlling all that.  I can make the changes. 

So everyday I'll post my calories in, calories out, and miles run.  That's my public committment.

Excellent Weigh-In

Last week was a horrible weigh-in at 136.  This morning, I weighed in at 132.2.  Very pleased.  Very happy with myself, too, because looking back at my food log I haven't had a binge in over a week.  And I logged all my food every day the past seven days.  I didn't have a deficit every day, but on the days I had a surplus it wasn't much of one and I had more deficit days than surplus. 

I took a sick day from work today to work on my book.  I started rewriting a book I had written in 1999 Thanksgiving weekend and had already written 28,000 words as of this morning.  I've been making good progress so far today.  It's going really well.  I'm hoping to get to 40,000 words by the end of today.

Yesterday morning I got up first thing and jogged.  Today I had planned on jogging but I think instead I will play my Wii workouts.  Maybe Zumba and Biggest Loser.  Doing pretty well with my calories so far.  Just gotta stay busy and keep my head in the game.  Not looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow; but needs must.  Bad enough I took today off.  Luckily, hubby has been working a lot lately.  And I AM working, actually, just not doing something with an immediate payoff. 

Anyway, back to writing...

Deficit!

I've had two consecutive days of having a deficit! I'm very happy with myself for that.  I also went out last night and bought the Zumba game for my Wii.  I've been wanting to put some variety back into my exercise routine, but the classes are overcrowded and expensive here.  I really don't want to pay for a gym membership at the moment, either.  I've been reading about the Zumba game and, even though it's nearly Christmas and I probably shouldn't be buying myself anything, I went out and got the game anyway.  I'm glad I did! It was fun and a good workout.  And since I can do it anytime, I should have no problem getting in the time on it. 

This morning I'm intending to jog before I shower and get ready to go to my parents' to help put up Christmas lights.  I really want to keep my calorie burn up.  I've been hitting my target for a few days now and I want to keep that up.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me for some reason.  I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed.  I just didn't feel like there was anything worth getting up for.  Eventually I had to get up, but I was not feeling happy.  When hubby got home from work I instigated an argument from him.  I called him fat and lazy, although not in so many words of course.  I'm sure I was projecting, although he IS fat at the moment.  And he doesn't ever want to do anything because of his weight.  But, I learned years ago not to wait for him to do things; to only rely on myself for company.

So, I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and accomplishing little.  I finally got over myself in the early evening and got some stuff done around the house.  Then I decided to get the Wii game. 

I haven't been able to get on any medication for my depression as I had intended because my insurance denied me treatment with mental health through the clinic where my primary is.  I can't get in to see my primary until March.  So, either I go to urgent care and try to get medication that way or I wait until March.  Most days, I think I can handle my depression by just exercising and trying to get outside and trying to think positively.  Yesterday I thought I really needed medication.  There are some definite drawbacks to the medication.  I'm not sure what I want to do, so I'm waiting until March when I can talk to my primary.

On a very positive note, I've not had a binge! I'm very, very, very happy for that.  I even wondered yesterday if part of why I was struggling so much was because I haven't been binging and therefore the feelings got bottled up.  I'm not sure if that's really what was happening, but I'd rather that than a binge.

Broke Even

Yesterday was a break even day.  I made my plan and stuck with it...until last night.  I didn't eat a LOT but I did push my calories in to 1700.  And although I worked out, apparently not enough because I only burned 1700.  Better than a gain.  Still, I don't know why I find it so difficult not to eat at night!  I stuck to my plan (had my dinner planned out and added to my calorie counter, went out for fresh air earlier in the day, exercised that night and even cleaned the house).  I wasn't really hungry, just wanting to eat.  Fortunately I only ate 350 calories worth, but still not great. 

Well, today is a new day.  And I still haven't all-out binged, so that's something.  And I'm working out most days, so that's something too.

I get the day off work today, yay.  Kinda, I will have to do a couple things later just cuz they need doing, but it won't take me long.  My dad and I are going shopping for my mother's xmas presents from him.  He wants to get her some clothes because she lost a lot of weight last year and really hasn't replaced her replaced her wardrobe.  She's constantly wearing clothes several sizes too big.

Finding clothes that should fit her might not be easy, though.  She is very petite in stature like me so she only weighs about 95 pounds.  Forget getting clothes that fit in length (don't even bother!) but she wears a 1 and swears she can never find the size.  I begged to differ because my daughter wore a 1 for a couple years and she never had trouble finding clothes in her size.  Course, that may be because she was shopping in the junior sections.  I'm sure we'll find something, though.

Not much else going on this weekend.  Just going to enjoy my (mostly) day off.  Get some writing done.  I'm 50 pages into my book!  Very excited since I only started last weekend.

The good news...

it wasn't a binge.  The bad news is I drank 700 calories tonight.  Annoying because I'd done well for a few days and I really wanted to get down from my last weigh-in.  But, still, it wasn't a binge.  And I had two days of having a calorie deficit.  Not enough for even a pound (850 calories to be precise) but a deficit!  Today was a surplus.  Not only did I drink more than a meal's worth in drinks (egg nog and brandy to be precise) but I didn't exercise.  Ah well.  Not a binge!!  Gotta focus on the positive.

Yesterday I had an excellent workout.  I was jogging/walking and got near the 5k mark, which is my goal usually, and I wanted to get in under 50 minutes, but was running out of the time, so I upped my pace until I was flat-out running.  I held the run for several minutes.  It felt great!  I couldn't believe I was able to run for so long.  Not jog, actual run.  I was absolutely soaked with sweat and my legs were shaky by the time I was done, but I felt incredible.  Sometimes I amaze myself with how far I've come with my aerobic fitness.  I may have lost some of the strength in my arms and my abdominals, but I definitely haven't backtracked with my aerobic ability.  Despite not having walked or jogged today, I've done over ten miles this week.  And I will definitely get on the treadmill tomorrow.  Its also my day for some strength training. I did some yesterday after my run and it is my plan to do so every other day until I regain my fitness from a few months ago.  Particularly with regard to my abdominals because my back has been really achey the last couple months.

In other news, I am completely done christmas shopping for the kids and, as of tonight, I'm done wrapping presents for them!!  I can't believe it's only the first and I've completely finished shopping and wrapping and filling their stockings.  Actually, I just burst my own bubble because I've just remembered I have a couple more packages coming in the mail.  Dang!  But, still, the majority is wrapped AND I'm done shopping for them.  All I still have to buy for is my dad and my husband.  I know what I'm getting my dad and I have no idea what to get my husband.  He tends to buy things when he wants them so he doesn't exactly have a wish list.