Thursday, October 28, 2010
Far off program
The last few days have been crazy busy with work and entertaining my step-daughter. She's leaving tonight. I feel sad; it's been nice having her around. Hubby will be home tomorrow, which is really sad that he didn't make it back before she left. I'll be glad when he's home, though. Overall, I'm just feeling down. I haven't tracked calories or worked out. I've been eating whatever I want, pretty much, although I still try to include a lot of fruits and veggies in my diet. I guess that has become a good habit, at any rate. I know I need to get back with the program but I have no motivation to do so. Even when I feel uncomfortable because of my weight, like having to don a suit that doesn't quite fit right, it still isn't motivating me to get back on program. I know I will get back on program, I just don't want to yet. It's rather like when the house is messy and you know you need to start cleaning it up but you just can't be bothered and you go to bed with dishes piled in the sink and laundry littering the floor. You know you'll hate having to wake up to the mess, but you have no energy whatsoever to do anything about it right then and there. Tomorrow, you hope, you'll feel better and up to the task. Today is a no-go. I feel like I want to sleep through a couple days and then wake up feeling refreshed and with a renewed sense of determination. If only it were that simple, eh?
Monday, October 25, 2010
If I had written this yesterday...
...here's how it would have read:
First day of new diet program (no eating after 8pm and avoiding trigger foods) went really well. I only ate about 1000 calories all day and avoided foods that I thought might trigger overeating. I did get physically hungry about 10 pm cuz I'd had an early dinner, so I made a piece of wheat toast with cream cheese. I figured that wouldn't trigger me to overeat and would keep me satisfied until I went to sleep. And it worked! I felt fine afterward and did not eat anything else. I really wanted a piece of chocolate someone had left on the table next to me, but I didn't give in. I felt really good about it.
However...
Last night did NOT go well. :(
It started before 8pm. In fact, I'm not sure if what started me down the wrong path was the facts that by 6pm I was super hungry and then ate what I would consider to be trigger foods (a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream and a sliver of lemon meringue pie) or if the thought at the time that I would probably end up not keeping on program because of getting too hungry and then eating trigger foods was a pre-rationalization for overeating. Either way, at about 10pm (coincidence? didn't think so) I warmed up an El Pollo Bowl and cut myself a slice of the lemon meringue pie I had been given.
I wasn't even that hungry, physically. But, as soon as I got home from dinner at my sister's, and knew the pie was in the fridge (brought home by my daughter), I was thinking about food. I tried reading, cleaning, thinking about something else... but I was obsessed. And then I had the thought. The thought that I could just start again tomorrow - that it didn't REALLY matter if I overate THIS ONE NIGHT. That eating that one night wouldn't mean I would gain back 50 pounds, it wouldn't make that much impact on my weight at all - this ONE meal.
*sigh*
Of course I feel like crap today about it. And it isn't ONE meal. It's countless meals and snacks. Will I ever get control of my eating?
First day of new diet program (no eating after 8pm and avoiding trigger foods) went really well. I only ate about 1000 calories all day and avoided foods that I thought might trigger overeating. I did get physically hungry about 10 pm cuz I'd had an early dinner, so I made a piece of wheat toast with cream cheese. I figured that wouldn't trigger me to overeat and would keep me satisfied until I went to sleep. And it worked! I felt fine afterward and did not eat anything else. I really wanted a piece of chocolate someone had left on the table next to me, but I didn't give in. I felt really good about it.
However...
Last night did NOT go well. :(
It started before 8pm. In fact, I'm not sure if what started me down the wrong path was the facts that by 6pm I was super hungry and then ate what I would consider to be trigger foods (a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream and a sliver of lemon meringue pie) or if the thought at the time that I would probably end up not keeping on program because of getting too hungry and then eating trigger foods was a pre-rationalization for overeating. Either way, at about 10pm (coincidence? didn't think so) I warmed up an El Pollo Bowl and cut myself a slice of the lemon meringue pie I had been given.
I wasn't even that hungry, physically. But, as soon as I got home from dinner at my sister's, and knew the pie was in the fridge (brought home by my daughter), I was thinking about food. I tried reading, cleaning, thinking about something else... but I was obsessed. And then I had the thought. The thought that I could just start again tomorrow - that it didn't REALLY matter if I overate THIS ONE NIGHT. That eating that one night wouldn't mean I would gain back 50 pounds, it wouldn't make that much impact on my weight at all - this ONE meal.
*sigh*
Of course I feel like crap today about it. And it isn't ONE meal. It's countless meals and snacks. Will I ever get control of my eating?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
New determination
I am determined to overcome my nighttime overeating. I was reading "The End of Overeating" and a passage particularly struck me with regard to conditioning: "In one study, people were given a high-sugar, high-fat snack for five consecutive mornings. For days afterward, they wanted something sweet at about the same time each morning that they had been fed the snack, even though they had not previously snacked at that time. Desire had already taken hold."
That totally makes sense to me. I have far less trouble controlling the food beast during the day, but at night I am insatiable. I think I have conditioned myself to expect high-sugar, high-fat foods at night! So, I need to break the cycle.
The only way I can see accomplishing this is to NOT eat after 8pm, at all. This will definitely be difficult. In fact, I've tried this trick in the past and was unsuccessful. However, I cannot allow past failures to dictate my current behavior. Just because it didn't work in the past, doesn't mean it won't work now. I just have to stay strong and determined. I have to avoid all trigger food. I have to keep that study result in mind. If I eat a high-calorie snack, the consequences are not limited to the 500 calories added to my daily quota, but to an ever-increasing desire for that same or similar high-calorie snack. One snack can have incalculable effects on my diet.
Okay, I know it would be impossible to NEVER again have a high-calorie snack or food. I know that if I try to deny myself of all such foods, forever and ever, I will crack and end up bingeing. I know of the deny/binge cycle. So, I will need to incorporate SOME treats into my diet. I just need to find what treats I can eat without it triggering the over-eating. But first I need to recondition myself. Which means avoiding high fat/salt/sugar foods for at least a few days, preferrably a week. And then carefully introduce selected treats back into my diet. It feels like a monumental task. I'm already afraid of tonight, worried that I'll give in on the first day.
One day at a time, right? Just get through tonight. Pull out all the tricks to control myself. Stay busy - don't watch TV. Drink a lot of water. Brush my teeth early in the evening.
It's not insurmountable.
That totally makes sense to me. I have far less trouble controlling the food beast during the day, but at night I am insatiable. I think I have conditioned myself to expect high-sugar, high-fat foods at night! So, I need to break the cycle.
The only way I can see accomplishing this is to NOT eat after 8pm, at all. This will definitely be difficult. In fact, I've tried this trick in the past and was unsuccessful. However, I cannot allow past failures to dictate my current behavior. Just because it didn't work in the past, doesn't mean it won't work now. I just have to stay strong and determined. I have to avoid all trigger food. I have to keep that study result in mind. If I eat a high-calorie snack, the consequences are not limited to the 500 calories added to my daily quota, but to an ever-increasing desire for that same or similar high-calorie snack. One snack can have incalculable effects on my diet.
Okay, I know it would be impossible to NEVER again have a high-calorie snack or food. I know that if I try to deny myself of all such foods, forever and ever, I will crack and end up bingeing. I know of the deny/binge cycle. So, I will need to incorporate SOME treats into my diet. I just need to find what treats I can eat without it triggering the over-eating. But first I need to recondition myself. Which means avoiding high fat/salt/sugar foods for at least a few days, preferrably a week. And then carefully introduce selected treats back into my diet. It feels like a monumental task. I'm already afraid of tonight, worried that I'll give in on the first day.
One day at a time, right? Just get through tonight. Pull out all the tricks to control myself. Stay busy - don't watch TV. Drink a lot of water. Brush my teeth early in the evening.
It's not insurmountable.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Last night...
...was a very bad food night. I ate, and ate, and ate. I was only at 1200 calories and in about an hour increased that number to nearly 1800. What is wrong with me?? Argh!! I have read so many diet/weight loss books I should know how to fix this. But I think, in the end, it really does come down to two things: willpower and determination. Of which I seem to be lacking at night. I do so well all day but at night... I just lose all my discipline. I know while I'm eating that I shouldn't be eating and that I will hate myself... I just keep doing it. I see so many other bloggers and dieters who manage to keep their calorie intake between 800 and 1200 over extended periods of time and I wonder why I find it so difficult to do that. Even when I'm doing well, I can only manage a few days at a time. My saving grace has almost always been exercise - that I manage to work out enough to tip the scales, so to speak. Very disappointed in myself today.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Goal: Achieved
Well, I did it! I walked 10 miles yesterday. It took way longer than I had anticipated, although if I had thought about it for two seconds I could have figured out how long it would take based on the speed at which I was walking, duh! Anyway, it took me 3 hours. For the first half, I walked at a slight incline. I try to always walk at a slight incline since it's actually a lot easier to walk/run on the treadmill than outside since the belt is moving under your feet on the treadmill, taking out half the work. I was sweaty and tired by the time I was done, though. Based on the calorie counter on the treadmill, I burned nearly 1400 calories. My bodybugg said about 300 calories. Whatever, I'm just glad I did it.
Too bad I ate like a ton of cookies before bed :/ My two oldest daughters decided to bake cookies yesterday evening and I was unable to resist. Initially, I only ate a couple and I was happy with myself. But, I kept going back for more. Fortunately my food intake was pretty low up to that point so I don't think I exceeded my calories for the day. It was close, though, and I missed an opportunity to burn some major fat. Oh well.
Glad tomorrow is Friday!!! I'm tired and done with this week. I've had a really hard time with my 3 year old the past few days. He is beyond willful and determined. Nothing seems to stop him from going after what he wants. He doesn't seem to care at all about consequences. And he's super independent. *sigh* I miss having hubby around to play interference when I'm reaching my limit. Apparently he's going to be away even longer than we'd initially been told. But, good money, right? Always gotta remember that we need the money.
Today has gone well, food-wise. Exercise was a fairly short, though hill-ridden, walk to my parents' house. We had dinner with them, which was both healthy and ample. I figured I ate nearly 800 calories in total. Fortunately I'd only eaten 400 up to that point. I'm not hungry right now but of course I am thinking about food. And the fact that technically I can eat up to 1500 calories. But I don't need 1500 calories so I need to put it out of my mind.
I missed an important school meeting today. It had been scheduled several weeks ago and I had asked for a reminder before the meeting, knowing that I would forget. Well, apparently the reminder had been sent home yesterday but I hadn't checked my daughter's backpack yesterday. 95% of the time, I do check her backpack but sometimes I'm distracted when she gets home from school and I don't do it. Yesterday I don't even remember what was going on but I didn't check it and then missed my appointment and the teacher was understandably irritated. And it isn't like I could run up to the school and just be tardy for the meeting because the school is a 20 minute drive away. I felt like a horrible parent for forgetting and a failure. So much pressure to juggle home, family and work.
Again, glad tomorrow if Friday. I plan on not even looking at my computer this weekend. I plan on exercising and cleaning house and going for walks and not even thinking about work or school or anything else. (Yeah, right!!)
Too bad I ate like a ton of cookies before bed :/ My two oldest daughters decided to bake cookies yesterday evening and I was unable to resist. Initially, I only ate a couple and I was happy with myself. But, I kept going back for more. Fortunately my food intake was pretty low up to that point so I don't think I exceeded my calories for the day. It was close, though, and I missed an opportunity to burn some major fat. Oh well.
Glad tomorrow is Friday!!! I'm tired and done with this week. I've had a really hard time with my 3 year old the past few days. He is beyond willful and determined. Nothing seems to stop him from going after what he wants. He doesn't seem to care at all about consequences. And he's super independent. *sigh* I miss having hubby around to play interference when I'm reaching my limit. Apparently he's going to be away even longer than we'd initially been told. But, good money, right? Always gotta remember that we need the money.
Today has gone well, food-wise. Exercise was a fairly short, though hill-ridden, walk to my parents' house. We had dinner with them, which was both healthy and ample. I figured I ate nearly 800 calories in total. Fortunately I'd only eaten 400 up to that point. I'm not hungry right now but of course I am thinking about food. And the fact that technically I can eat up to 1500 calories. But I don't need 1500 calories so I need to put it out of my mind.
I missed an important school meeting today. It had been scheduled several weeks ago and I had asked for a reminder before the meeting, knowing that I would forget. Well, apparently the reminder had been sent home yesterday but I hadn't checked my daughter's backpack yesterday. 95% of the time, I do check her backpack but sometimes I'm distracted when she gets home from school and I don't do it. Yesterday I don't even remember what was going on but I didn't check it and then missed my appointment and the teacher was understandably irritated. And it isn't like I could run up to the school and just be tardy for the meeting because the school is a 20 minute drive away. I felt like a horrible parent for forgetting and a failure. So much pressure to juggle home, family and work.
Again, glad tomorrow if Friday. I plan on not even looking at my computer this weekend. I plan on exercising and cleaning house and going for walks and not even thinking about work or school or anything else. (Yeah, right!!)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
10 Miles
About two years ago, I challenged myself to walk 10 miles on my treadmill in one day. Not necessarily in one go, just in one day. I managed to do about 8 1/2 miles. After about 5 miles, I was hurting. Which was kinda pathetic, but I was a lot bigger at the time and not in very good shape. It should be a breeze now. Okay, not a breeze, but certainly easier.
And, since I'm so low on motivation to exercise as to be non-existent, I figured revisiting my 10 mile challenge might be a good idea. I don't know why I haven't been wanting to exercise. Usually, even if I'm not eating well, I'm at least walking or doing some floor exercises, if not necessarily breaking a sweat. I try to do SOMETHING. But, in the last five days, I've exercised one day :( That's the worst I've done in probably more than a year. I'm not sure why I'm so opposed to exercising at the moment. I've been busy most days, trying to get my work in, visiting with family and whatnot. And having a visitor in the house has certainly changed the dynamic a bit. But none of these things have impeded my working out in the past.
Even worse today, I slept until 10 am. I just didn't want to get out of bed. Clearly I'm not in a good state of mind.
Hubby is out of town, so that may have something to do with it, although he's been away plenty in the past and it hasn't affected my will to exercise.
I haven't been tracking my calories AT ALL. However, I've been doing okay with eating. Not great or even good, but acceptable.
In other news, I was given my first award!!
Compliments of Christina at Iamsickofbeingasbigasahouse.blogspot.com. As a condition of the award, I'm to list 7 things about myself and pass it on to 15 blogs.
Seven things about myself:
1. I am addicted to Biggest Loser. No one I know watches the program or understands my interest.
2. I am an avid reader; I read several books a week.
3. I'm super short at only 4'9" tall.
4. I still experience post-holiday blues. I am deeply saddened the day after Christmas.
5. I hate going places by myself.
6. I drive a minivan.
7. I hate wearing sandals; I always feel like my feet are getting dirty.
I'm new to this, so I haven't yet found 15 blogs to read. However, I can pass the award on to those I do know of and like:
Princess Dieter at Two Years To Happy Weight After
266
Splurgie at What a Splurge ... the diet and the exercise
Dr. Fat To Fit at Dr. Fatty Finds Fitness
Christine at Phoenix Revolution
*Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures
Christina at http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com/
http://healthyschmealthy.blogspot.com/
Happy reading! Off to start my 10 mile challenge. Oh, and maybe actually do some work...
And, since I'm so low on motivation to exercise as to be non-existent, I figured revisiting my 10 mile challenge might be a good idea. I don't know why I haven't been wanting to exercise. Usually, even if I'm not eating well, I'm at least walking or doing some floor exercises, if not necessarily breaking a sweat. I try to do SOMETHING. But, in the last five days, I've exercised one day :( That's the worst I've done in probably more than a year. I'm not sure why I'm so opposed to exercising at the moment. I've been busy most days, trying to get my work in, visiting with family and whatnot. And having a visitor in the house has certainly changed the dynamic a bit. But none of these things have impeded my working out in the past.
Even worse today, I slept until 10 am. I just didn't want to get out of bed. Clearly I'm not in a good state of mind.
Hubby is out of town, so that may have something to do with it, although he's been away plenty in the past and it hasn't affected my will to exercise.
I haven't been tracking my calories AT ALL. However, I've been doing okay with eating. Not great or even good, but acceptable.
In other news, I was given my first award!!
Compliments of Christina at Iamsickofbeingasbigasahouse.blogspot.com. As a condition of the award, I'm to list 7 things about myself and pass it on to 15 blogs.
Seven things about myself:
1. I am addicted to Biggest Loser. No one I know watches the program or understands my interest.
2. I am an avid reader; I read several books a week.
3. I'm super short at only 4'9" tall.
4. I still experience post-holiday blues. I am deeply saddened the day after Christmas.
5. I hate going places by myself.
6. I drive a minivan.
7. I hate wearing sandals; I always feel like my feet are getting dirty.
I'm new to this, so I haven't yet found 15 blogs to read. However, I can pass the award on to those I do know of and like:
Princess Dieter at Two Years To Happy Weight After
266
Splurgie at What a Splurge ... the diet and the exercise
Dr. Fat To Fit at Dr. Fatty Finds Fitness
Christine at Phoenix Revolution
*Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures
Christina at http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com/
http://healthyschmealthy.blogspot.com/
Happy reading! Off to start my 10 mile challenge. Oh, and maybe actually do some work...
Monday, October 18, 2010
The One-Two Step
I have been on this "weight loss journey" since March 2008 and have lost 50 pounds in that time. Here's how it has gone... lose a pound, gain a pound, lose a pound, gain a pound, lose two pounds, gain a pound, lose no pounds, gain two pounds, lose six pounds, and then maintain for six weeks. Basically, I dance around weight loss for weeks on end and then have a bit of success because I manage to stay on program for several weeks in a row, then go back to the dancing around it. This is done by spending half the week exercising and keeping my calories in check and the other half of the week NOT exercising and eating pretty much whatever I want.
In keeping with this style of weight loss, I spent the first half of last week doing really well, and the second half not so good. In the past four days, I've exercised once. I didn't track my calories at all over the weekend. I am tracking them today, though. I haven't exercised yet, but I do intend to get on my treadmill later.
Anyway, the scale this morning was up :( I was down to 131 mid-week but blew that out of the water with my eating and lack of exercise since Thursday. Totally bummed about it. Ah well, new week, new effort. I just need to stay focused and on track. I'm picking up a couple weight-loss related books from the library to hopefully keep me motivated. I was SO close to getting to the 120's!! Why did I sabotage that? ugh!
In keeping with this style of weight loss, I spent the first half of last week doing really well, and the second half not so good. In the past four days, I've exercised once. I didn't track my calories at all over the weekend. I am tracking them today, though. I haven't exercised yet, but I do intend to get on my treadmill later.
Anyway, the scale this morning was up :( I was down to 131 mid-week but blew that out of the water with my eating and lack of exercise since Thursday. Totally bummed about it. Ah well, new week, new effort. I just need to stay focused and on track. I'm picking up a couple weight-loss related books from the library to hopefully keep me motivated. I was SO close to getting to the 120's!! Why did I sabotage that? ugh!
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