I'm constantly reading books to try to help myself with my goals - not just weight loss but my writing and exercising, self-compassion and social anxiety. I read recently of a person who spent so much time thinking of ways to improve that she had analysis paralysis and I was like "That's me!" Not that I have stopped the reading and analyzing :)
So, in my current book for making your goals finally happen, the writer suggests making a doable small goal toward your bigger goal. So I am making a goal of exercising for 500 minutes by August 3, 2013. That's two weeks. Which means more than 30 minutes per day. Or, to be more precise, an average of 35.71 minutes per day. I can do that! I mean, I haven't been doing nearly that, but I can do it. I'm physically and mentally capable of achieving that goal. And it's a difficult enough goal that I will feel like I really accomplished something while also being short term enough for me to maintain the momentum.
The reason I decided to do an exercise goal is because another book I've been reading (I've got 4 going at the moment) suggested thinking back to the last time you achieved a goal and what it took to get there. Thinking back to all of the times I successfully lost weight, even if just 5% of my body weight, it always started with exercising. In fact, really thinking back and considering it, I would start exercising and within a couple weeks I would get motivated to eat better and while I stuck to my exercise, I continued my weight loss. Not all steady as she goes, consistent weight loss (me? consistent? ha!) but, you know, that up and down two-step that eventually equates to weight loss, like the sputtering engine of an old car that finally catches, but still occasionally sputters and shudders and shakes. That's how I lose weight - like a car from 1910. And I don't go faster than 25 MPH either. And I have trouble going up the hills.
Anyway, so I have my goal and I have my calendar on which to monitor my goal and I have my commitment (read above) and I have a plan. I come home from work and I exercise, before I do anything else. Walk, bike, exercise dvd, yoga, pilates, gym (if I remember how to get there), whatever strikes my fancy on that particular day. And for the weekends, I can do whatever whenever, as long as I do it. I can even work up a few extra minutes to make my weekday workouts a little shorter, if I want.
After I'm all done and have met my goal, I'm going to bake a cake. (Yes! A cake!) Okay, I know that we're not supposed to reward ourselves with food, but you know what? I think food is important and I think we CAN reward ourselves with food, but in moderation. I mean, everything is motivated by food, right? Animals are motivated by food. Kids and babies are motivated by food. Why can't overweight people share that same joy in living? Let us eat cake!! (Just not the whole thing.) I mean, really, I haven't been able to eat something really, really yummy completely guilt free in two decades. Two decades!!! And where has that gotten me? Not a size 2 I can tell you! It's time to put away old thoughts and try something new - like eating what I actually want.
So that's my plan.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
The Weekend
Yay for the weekend. I can tell you already, I'm going to be so bummed Sunday evening. I have never been so relieved for a Friday. I can't even say why this week was so difficult, other than what's in my own head with regard to the people I'm working with. No, not even with them in of themselves, but them in relation to me.
Anyway, I'm trying very hard not to think negative things about myself, like that I'm being ridiculous getting so caught up in worrying what people think about me. I know it's perfectly natural and normal, but a part of me still feels a bit pathetic (okay, more than a bit).
Today was actually better, although partly because it was Friday and partly because one of the duo who spend the most time gossiping was out today. Just not having the whispering and private meetings helped. Also, I had a pretty good day with regard to the reason I'm there: the work itself. So, I had that nice feeling of having accomplished something.
No bike ride this morning, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I didn't exercise tonight, but I did get some housecleaning done and that's good enough for the time being.
This weekend I'm taking the kids to visit an old school friend. She lives a few hours away so we're going to overnight it with her. Her husband is working the weekend so it'll just be us and our kids so it should be fun. Part of me, my social anxiety part, wants to back out. I've even come up with reasons to tell her why I can't make it after all. But I'm mostly looking forward to getting away for a couple days and I think it'll be good for the kids and me, so I'm just going to go, no matter how cold my feet get.
Anyway, I'm trying very hard not to think negative things about myself, like that I'm being ridiculous getting so caught up in worrying what people think about me. I know it's perfectly natural and normal, but a part of me still feels a bit pathetic (okay, more than a bit).
Today was actually better, although partly because it was Friday and partly because one of the duo who spend the most time gossiping was out today. Just not having the whispering and private meetings helped. Also, I had a pretty good day with regard to the reason I'm there: the work itself. So, I had that nice feeling of having accomplished something.
No bike ride this morning, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I didn't exercise tonight, but I did get some housecleaning done and that's good enough for the time being.
This weekend I'm taking the kids to visit an old school friend. She lives a few hours away so we're going to overnight it with her. Her husband is working the weekend so it'll just be us and our kids so it should be fun. Part of me, my social anxiety part, wants to back out. I've even come up with reasons to tell her why I can't make it after all. But I'm mostly looking forward to getting away for a couple days and I think it'll be good for the kids and me, so I'm just going to go, no matter how cold my feet get.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
The Unforgiving
It was another tough day on the ol job site. Another early morning meeting with the SIU staff, for which I was not invited. Then, after having a discussion with a field investigator about an assignment, she promptly called my supervisor to disagree with me. (Uh, you couldn't share your opinion directly to me?) I hate, hate, hate knowing people are talking about me and it seems to be happening all over the place in my department since I've started. Whispered conversations, sideways looks, being the only one left out of meetings... It could be my imagination, but I don't think so.
However, I have to remember that whatever my coworkers (and supervisor) are doing, thinking, saying, etc. it is none of my business. Unless they do something that directly impacts me - like get me fired - I just have to learn to let it go. I'm responding to it and I can choose to respond in a positive way. At least I don't get stuck in boring meetings. It gives me time to do my work and do it well. It allows me to focus on the important stuff and not get dragged into office gossip, which is a downhill road. I can be positive and have a healthy mindset and not get sucked into their potential negativity. Anyway, people come and people go - in 6 months or a year the entire office dynamic will change, because that's what happens. Things change, that's a given so I just have to wait out whatever is currently going on and just focus on what I need to do to be successful in my job. The pettiness can go right over me, if I let it.
So, that's my current state of affairs. I didn't get my bike ride in this morning :(. Nor did I get any exercise in at all. I had intended to go for a walk or something, but I just didn't. I thought about it, but I just couldn't get myself motivated to do it. I did go to the grocery store and make dinner, if that counts for anything.
Dinner was good - just some regular chili over some potatoes, with a salad and watermelon for dessert. Not diet-y food but I'm just focused on not bingeing at the moment, rather than how many calories I'm eating. If I can eat "normally" for just a little while, I will feel I have succeeded at a small step in the right direction. Getting up and going for a bike ride tomorrow would be another good step for me and I do intend to do that. If I don't, well I'll try again the next day and the next.
However, I have to remember that whatever my coworkers (and supervisor) are doing, thinking, saying, etc. it is none of my business. Unless they do something that directly impacts me - like get me fired - I just have to learn to let it go. I'm responding to it and I can choose to respond in a positive way. At least I don't get stuck in boring meetings. It gives me time to do my work and do it well. It allows me to focus on the important stuff and not get dragged into office gossip, which is a downhill road. I can be positive and have a healthy mindset and not get sucked into their potential negativity. Anyway, people come and people go - in 6 months or a year the entire office dynamic will change, because that's what happens. Things change, that's a given so I just have to wait out whatever is currently going on and just focus on what I need to do to be successful in my job. The pettiness can go right over me, if I let it.
So, that's my current state of affairs. I didn't get my bike ride in this morning :(. Nor did I get any exercise in at all. I had intended to go for a walk or something, but I just didn't. I thought about it, but I just couldn't get myself motivated to do it. I did go to the grocery store and make dinner, if that counts for anything.
Dinner was good - just some regular chili over some potatoes, with a salad and watermelon for dessert. Not diet-y food but I'm just focused on not bingeing at the moment, rather than how many calories I'm eating. If I can eat "normally" for just a little while, I will feel I have succeeded at a small step in the right direction. Getting up and going for a bike ride tomorrow would be another good step for me and I do intend to do that. If I don't, well I'll try again the next day and the next.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Mental Health Day
I took a mental health day off from work. Firstly, because it's just been a difficult week there and I wanted a break. Secondly, because work is really slow at the moment so I knew I wasn't going to cause any problems by being off work. Really, I should go because I need the income, but... I'm good at putting off worries to tomorrow.
I went for my bike ride this morning, although it wasn't first thing when I woke up. I hadn't even intended to go but then half way through the morning I thought: "why don't I go?" And so I went. Nothing spectacular, just around the same route that I went last time, so a 20 minute or so ride. I also made a dental appointment (finally!) to get my teeth cleaned. I put out some feelers for the type of job I actually want to do, which is field work rather than office work. I took the youngest to the library and he played a bit while I found some new audio books, which I like to listen to while I'm driving to work. I got a self-acceptance book to listen to. I did try to listen to Christopher Reeve's book, but it was read by the author and I couldn't listen to it because of his breathing. Or lack of breathing. After his accident, Reeve was on a ventilator because he couldn't move his own lungs. Apparently they also have to rig up the ventilator to get air to the voicebox for it to work. It doesn't sound normal. It sounded like he never "took a breath" and was always just at the end of his air, like he NEEDED to take a breath. I can't explain it better than that. Consequently, my breathing was disturbed - I found myself taking huge lungfuls of air, as though to help him out. After a while, I just had to turn it off. Which was unfortunate, because I was really interested. I'm going to have to get the paper book so I can read it.
Otherwise, there isn't much going. I keep wanting to go turn the TV on and just veg on the couch. Where is my drive? My motivation? My desire to DO something? It's probably hidden between the couch cushions, having fallen out during my long hours sitting there...
I went for my bike ride this morning, although it wasn't first thing when I woke up. I hadn't even intended to go but then half way through the morning I thought: "why don't I go?" And so I went. Nothing spectacular, just around the same route that I went last time, so a 20 minute or so ride. I also made a dental appointment (finally!) to get my teeth cleaned. I put out some feelers for the type of job I actually want to do, which is field work rather than office work. I took the youngest to the library and he played a bit while I found some new audio books, which I like to listen to while I'm driving to work. I got a self-acceptance book to listen to. I did try to listen to Christopher Reeve's book, but it was read by the author and I couldn't listen to it because of his breathing. Or lack of breathing. After his accident, Reeve was on a ventilator because he couldn't move his own lungs. Apparently they also have to rig up the ventilator to get air to the voicebox for it to work. It doesn't sound normal. It sounded like he never "took a breath" and was always just at the end of his air, like he NEEDED to take a breath. I can't explain it better than that. Consequently, my breathing was disturbed - I found myself taking huge lungfuls of air, as though to help him out. After a while, I just had to turn it off. Which was unfortunate, because I was really interested. I'm going to have to get the paper book so I can read it.
Otherwise, there isn't much going. I keep wanting to go turn the TV on and just veg on the couch. Where is my drive? My motivation? My desire to DO something? It's probably hidden between the couch cushions, having fallen out during my long hours sitting there...
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Not Today
Still no-go on my daily goal of riding my bike in the morning. This morning I woke at 5:30 am, before my alarm had gone off, but didn't want to get up yet so I turned off the 6am alarm and turned on the 7am alarm. 7:20 is the latest I can sleep in and still make it to work on time. I did get up at 7am rather than 7:20, so a little earlier than yesterday, but that wasn't enough time to go for a bike ride. Tomorrow is another chance to succeed.
Eating-wise it hasn't been going so well. I eat well when I'm at work. I start out each morning with a light English Muffin whole grain with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and an apple. Then, if I have a mid-morning snack, I will eat a banana or other piece of fruit. For lunch, a sandwich with light whole grain bread and lunch meat with mustard and no mayo, and a piece of fruit. I have a bag of baby carrots for my first snack and a Greek yogurt for my second snack.
So, that's all good and fine. Until I get home. And then I start eating stuff like cup o noodles and white bread toast with butter and jam. (Try four of the latter.) I did heat up a frozen bag of veggies as well but still... where's the lean protein and fiber and whole foods? I know I should be eating better.
Exercise has been out the window. It was still 102 degrees out when I got home at 6pm. And I just don't have any drive to do any exercise.
Today was uncomfortable, with my pants digging into my gut all day, so you'd think that I'd be focused on my weight loss by that. I don't know what it is lately... I just can't seem to focus on what I want in the long term rather than the short term.
Eating-wise it hasn't been going so well. I eat well when I'm at work. I start out each morning with a light English Muffin whole grain with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and an apple. Then, if I have a mid-morning snack, I will eat a banana or other piece of fruit. For lunch, a sandwich with light whole grain bread and lunch meat with mustard and no mayo, and a piece of fruit. I have a bag of baby carrots for my first snack and a Greek yogurt for my second snack.
So, that's all good and fine. Until I get home. And then I start eating stuff like cup o noodles and white bread toast with butter and jam. (Try four of the latter.) I did heat up a frozen bag of veggies as well but still... where's the lean protein and fiber and whole foods? I know I should be eating better.
Exercise has been out the window. It was still 102 degrees out when I got home at 6pm. And I just don't have any drive to do any exercise.
Today was uncomfortable, with my pants digging into my gut all day, so you'd think that I'd be focused on my weight loss by that. I don't know what it is lately... I just can't seem to focus on what I want in the long term rather than the short term.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Crash...and Burn
Today was not an easy day. Actually, yesterday wasn't an easy day.
As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th. Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I was relieved when we finally left. Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them. Especially the wife, of course.
Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc. I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it. The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.
Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am. I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE. At least, not at 6am. Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed. I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am).
Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself. Then I was excluded from a meeting, again. I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor. There are also 2 assistants in our department. For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to. Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings. Why is that?! I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts. It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years. In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts. FFS!
Anyway, so that didn't help. And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell. Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.
I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity.
Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out. I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events. I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems. I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group. In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself. So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal. How I respond to it is the problem. And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo. With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening. I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones. I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved. I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural. Eating in response is definitely not going to help.
As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th. Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I was relieved when we finally left. Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them. Especially the wife, of course.
Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc. I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it. The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.
Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am. I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE. At least, not at 6am. Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed. I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am).
Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself. Then I was excluded from a meeting, again. I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor. There are also 2 assistants in our department. For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to. Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings. Why is that?! I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts. It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years. In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts. FFS!
Anyway, so that didn't help. And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell. Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.
I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity.
Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out. I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events. I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems. I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group. In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself. So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal. How I respond to it is the problem. And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo. With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening. I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones. I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved. I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural. Eating in response is definitely not going to help.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Day 2 Success
I have to admit, I really didn't want to get up this morning. It was so comfortable in my bed and I was so sleepy. I turned off my alarm at 7am and went back to sleep. I woke up at a 8 and thought, I should get up now, but I just continued to lay in bed until I went back to sleep again. I woke up at 8:50 and thought, okay now I really have to get up. This continued until shortly before 9:30 am when I finally, finally mentally kicked myself out of bed. I don't know if it was staying up too late and feeling extra tired, putting off my bike ride or just plain feeling comfortable, that kept me from wanting to get up. Maybe a combination?
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
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