Sometimes I wonder what I would think about if I wasn't thinking about food, either the eating of, desire for, calories/fat/carbs/points of, or the food that I can't eat (which is what I think about most). I don't think I would think about much of anything if all food and diet related thoughts ceased to exist for me. I might remember that I have more to live for than what I can or cannot eat. That there is more to life than the next weigh-in or how well my clothes fit.
Not that I think I should just eat what I want to eat and stop thinking about what I cannot eat. That definitely isn't the answer, as I know too well. Because even when I stop thinking about what I cannot eat, I continue to think about what I want to eat, and I will do if I allow myself. I can eat myself to death like a gold fish if I allowed it. Even when I really, really want something, and then three bites in I find it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be, I will still finish it. Or when I make something for dinner and it just doesn't taste that great for whatever reason, I'll keep eating it until it's gone.
But, to stop thinking of food full-stop. I mean, obviously I want to live so I can't stop eating altogether. But to have other things at the forefront of my mind rather than food...
Okay that's an exaggeration. It isn't food ALL the time. Sometimes I am more worrying about what people are thinking about me. Like, I have this habit at work of butting into other people's conversations and then I immediately chastise myself for it, because you know my coworkers find it annoying. I can't seem to stop myself from interjecting when I have something to say, when they are having a conversation three feet away from me. And do you know why I do this? I know why I do this: 1. I want to feel a part of the group (totally normal and natural); 2. I want to feel liked and accepted and so I try to impress with my wealth of knowledge. I'm not accustomed to being low on the totem pole at work and right now I am. I was a big fish in a small pond and now I'm a small fish in a big pond and I'm having a little difficulty adjusting. So, yeah, sometimes I'm thinking about those things.
Or sometimes I'm thinking about things like my conversation with my landlady wherein I have to admit that I'm only going to be able to pay part of the rent and the rest in 2 weeks because my husband hasn't brought in a paycheck in a couple months and he spent half the money he borrowed to help out with the rent. My landlady's response? Urging us to move out. She seriously wanted us to move out THIS WEEKEND. Uh, yeah, you need money to move. Not to mention that while I totally sympathize with her concern and I feel like crap about being late with the rent, I AM giving her most of the rent and a post dated check, with an extra $100 thrown in, tomorrow. And we've never been late before. So her reaction seems a little extreme to me. But, whatever, it's her house (we're not moving btw). Anyway so I feel like crap about that.
So, there are other things to think about, but invariably my thoughts turn to food. It's like..."wow, that was really crap that she wants us to move and how are we going to get the money to move and I so hate moving and the kids have their friends next door and it isn't like we've been late before and now my husband has a job starting Monday (hopefully) so it isn't like we are going to keep having this problem (hopefully) and I wonder what I will have for dinner. How many points do I have left? If I eat something salty it will show up on the scale tomorrow. I should really eat vegetables, because I never eat enough vegetables, but what sounds good? And that isn't going to cost much money? Should I stop at the grocery store on my way home? Will I give in and buy one of those sugary danishes they always display at the front of the store? And on and on and on.
I wonder sometimes if thinking about food and dieting and food again isn't some form of escapism for me. I'd rather think about food than what my coworkers think of me or how difficult it is to fit in or how uncomfortable and awkward I am around other people or how MUCH money we owe and how I'm late in EVERY bill and how are we ever going to catch up and what if my husband doesn't start his new job on Monday, etc. etc. etc.
I really need to get better at meditating and shut all this shit down for a while.
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