BMI

I was thinking that if someone actually read my blog, what they would think if they saw me writing about weighing a whopping 152 pounds, because it doesn't sound like that much to some.  So, just in case anyone is reading this, and as a reminder to myself:  I am 4'9" tall.  My ideal weight is 105.  My "healthy" weight for my height and gender is 95.  Right.  95.  I don't need 95.  Last time I was at a good size, I was 105 (okay this was 12 years ago, and only a brief 6 months, but still).  So, 105 is my goal.  My BMI is in the Obesity range.

So, anyway, my point is that I need to lose close to 50 pounds.  And that's no small potatoes when you consider that is a third of my weight!

It's strange, because six months ago I wasn't stressing about my weight.  Six months ago, I was still wearing my "skinnier" clothes.  Not my skinniest clothes, because I had gained some weight by then, but certainly my smaller sizes.  I literally grew a dress size each month for the past six months.  I would buy new clothes and by the time I got around to wearing them a second or third time, they already didn't fit.  I have clothes in my closet that still have the price tags because I outgrew them before I got a chance to wear them.  If there was an Olympic sport for rapid weight gain, I would be a gold medal winner.

Enough of that.  It just makes me feel sad and depressed when I think about how I let myself go.  I just gave in to night after night of binge eating. 

Today, however, I can tell that I am starting to reverse the gain to a loss.  How do I know this so soon? Because I'm freakin STARVING!  Nothing says hunger like exercise and diet.  I just ate dinner and I could totally sink a McDonald's meal with a pie for dessert.  I could drink a gallon of coke and eat five candy bars.  I should stop thinking about this.

Part of the problem, with feeling hungry, is that some of it isn't really hunger so much as my stomach juices roiling around.  (Pretty image, eh?)  I'm eating so much raw fruits and vegetables that my stomach is working harder than normal, which means more stomach acid, which makes me feel uncomfortable.  And, as many of us know, when there is stomach discomfort, it can only be treated with eating.

When I was a teenager, I used to get horrible headaches.  Part of the problem was that I would literally go all day without eating.  I was so obsessed with my weight, already, that I would skip breakfast and lunch and when I got home from school I would exercise before I would eat anything.  Yeah, I wasn't the brightest kid in the world.  This is what set me up for bingeing, because once I started eating in the evenings I couldn't stop.  And lo and behold, once I started eating, my headache would ease.  So, I also began to equate eating to feeling better physically.  It started a vicious cycle that has been haunting me ever since.  Now I am 38 and I still struggle, every day, against wanting to binge.  If I let myself fall off the wagon, I can easily consume a few thousand calories in one sitting.  And, on someone as lacking in stature as I am, I already don't need very many calories to survive.  Add to that the fact that a very full stomach does not feel like moving, and I had myself a lot of calories and no where for them to go but on my less than petite ass. 

Anyway, tonight is going to be tough.  The biggest battle is not settling myself in front of the TV, because I CANNOT watch TV without immediately wanting to eat.  And I already want something to eat so watching TV would absolutely ruin me.  No TV.  Go for walk.  Have fruit and milk as snack.  Go to bed early.  I can make it!