I took a mental health day off from work. Firstly, because it's just been a difficult week there and I wanted a break. Secondly, because work is really slow at the moment so I knew I wasn't going to cause any problems by being off work. Really, I should go because I need the income, but... I'm good at putting off worries to tomorrow.
I went for my bike ride this morning, although it wasn't first thing when I woke up. I hadn't even intended to go but then half way through the morning I thought: "why don't I go?" And so I went. Nothing spectacular, just around the same route that I went last time, so a 20 minute or so ride. I also made a dental appointment (finally!) to get my teeth cleaned. I put out some feelers for the type of job I actually want to do, which is field work rather than office work. I took the youngest to the library and he played a bit while I found some new audio books, which I like to listen to while I'm driving to work. I got a self-acceptance book to listen to. I did try to listen to Christopher Reeve's book, but it was read by the author and I couldn't listen to it because of his breathing. Or lack of breathing. After his accident, Reeve was on a ventilator because he couldn't move his own lungs. Apparently they also have to rig up the ventilator to get air to the voicebox for it to work. It doesn't sound normal. It sounded like he never "took a breath" and was always just at the end of his air, like he NEEDED to take a breath. I can't explain it better than that. Consequently, my breathing was disturbed - I found myself taking huge lungfuls of air, as though to help him out. After a while, I just had to turn it off. Which was unfortunate, because I was really interested. I'm going to have to get the paper book so I can read it.
Otherwise, there isn't much going. I keep wanting to go turn the TV on and just veg on the couch. Where is my drive? My motivation? My desire to DO something? It's probably hidden between the couch cushions, having fallen out during my long hours sitting there...
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Not Today
Still no-go on my daily goal of riding my bike in the morning. This morning I woke at 5:30 am, before my alarm had gone off, but didn't want to get up yet so I turned off the 6am alarm and turned on the 7am alarm. 7:20 is the latest I can sleep in and still make it to work on time. I did get up at 7am rather than 7:20, so a little earlier than yesterday, but that wasn't enough time to go for a bike ride. Tomorrow is another chance to succeed.
Eating-wise it hasn't been going so well. I eat well when I'm at work. I start out each morning with a light English Muffin whole grain with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and an apple. Then, if I have a mid-morning snack, I will eat a banana or other piece of fruit. For lunch, a sandwich with light whole grain bread and lunch meat with mustard and no mayo, and a piece of fruit. I have a bag of baby carrots for my first snack and a Greek yogurt for my second snack.
So, that's all good and fine. Until I get home. And then I start eating stuff like cup o noodles and white bread toast with butter and jam. (Try four of the latter.) I did heat up a frozen bag of veggies as well but still... where's the lean protein and fiber and whole foods? I know I should be eating better.
Exercise has been out the window. It was still 102 degrees out when I got home at 6pm. And I just don't have any drive to do any exercise.
Today was uncomfortable, with my pants digging into my gut all day, so you'd think that I'd be focused on my weight loss by that. I don't know what it is lately... I just can't seem to focus on what I want in the long term rather than the short term.
Eating-wise it hasn't been going so well. I eat well when I'm at work. I start out each morning with a light English Muffin whole grain with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and an apple. Then, if I have a mid-morning snack, I will eat a banana or other piece of fruit. For lunch, a sandwich with light whole grain bread and lunch meat with mustard and no mayo, and a piece of fruit. I have a bag of baby carrots for my first snack and a Greek yogurt for my second snack.
So, that's all good and fine. Until I get home. And then I start eating stuff like cup o noodles and white bread toast with butter and jam. (Try four of the latter.) I did heat up a frozen bag of veggies as well but still... where's the lean protein and fiber and whole foods? I know I should be eating better.
Exercise has been out the window. It was still 102 degrees out when I got home at 6pm. And I just don't have any drive to do any exercise.
Today was uncomfortable, with my pants digging into my gut all day, so you'd think that I'd be focused on my weight loss by that. I don't know what it is lately... I just can't seem to focus on what I want in the long term rather than the short term.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Crash...and Burn
Today was not an easy day. Actually, yesterday wasn't an easy day.
As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th. Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I was relieved when we finally left. Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them. Especially the wife, of course.
Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc. I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it. The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.
Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am. I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE. At least, not at 6am. Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed. I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am).
Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself. Then I was excluded from a meeting, again. I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor. There are also 2 assistants in our department. For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to. Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings. Why is that?! I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts. It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years. In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts. FFS!
Anyway, so that didn't help. And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell. Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.
I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity.
Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out. I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events. I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems. I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group. In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself. So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal. How I respond to it is the problem. And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo. With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening. I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones. I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved. I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural. Eating in response is definitely not going to help.
As we had planned, we went to the house of a couple whose acquaintance we had met on July 4th. Although nothing really untoward or embarrassing happened, it was stressful for me because I get so socially anxious. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I was relieved when we finally left. Plus, I was falling into bad habits, such as comparing myself negatively to them. Especially the wife, of course.
Last night I sank my low self-worth into a pile of pizza and kool-aide (it was the only sweetened drink in the house) and chocolate and cereal and toast, etc. etc. I felt sick (again!) when I went to bed and woke up pretty angry with myself for it. The negative attitude followed me from the time I woke up until now.
Firstly, when I woke up at 6am, I immediately turned off the alarm and reset it for 7am. I knew this would not give me enough time for my morning bike ride (my current daily goal) and I DIDN'T CARE. At least, not at 6am. Or 7am, or 7:30am, when I actually finally got out of bed. I had to race to get ready and then traffic was horrible and I barely got to work by 9am (we can start anytime between 7am and 9am).
Immediately, I was irritated because my new "boss" was in his new office and I was jealous, which made me angry with myself. Then I was excluded from a meeting, again. I am an analyst with 2 other analysts and now a supervisor. There are also 2 assistants in our department. For some reason, I only get invited to the meetings the assistants are invited to. Otherwise, it is just the other 2 analysts and my supervisor who get invited to the meetings. Why is that?! I know it is a new job for me, but it's been over a month now since I started and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any different work than the other 2 analysts. It isn't like this is a new industry for me - new job but I've been doing the same type of work for 14 years. In fact, I have 12 years more experienced than the COMBINED experience of the other two analysts. FFS!
Anyway, so that didn't help. And then my supervisor and his pet analyst were back to their whispering, which is annoying as hell. Suffice it to say, I was not in a frame of mind to just shrug it off.
I came home and ate my weight in whatever I could pull together from my quickly thinning cupboards and sat watching stupid reality tv, just simmering in all my negativity.
Now I'm sitting here, teeth brushed so I can't eat anything else, trying to sort my head out. I don't want to be this negative or upset about non-events. I know I am struggling with social anxiety and it is soothing to eat, but it just exacerbates my problems. I also know that it is an unpleasant feeling to be excluded and perfectly normal to want to feel part of the group. In fact, we are biologically driven to want to be accepted into a group, because at one time to not be meant certain death, out in the bad ol world by yourself. So, what I'm feeling is not abnormal. How I respond to it is the problem. And I don't mean I should just shrug it off - I mean I should validate my feelings to myself, be compassionate toward myself, and then accept it as the status quo. With equanimity and full understanding of what is happening. I should then combat negative feelings and thoughts about myself with positive ones. I was getting pretty good at answering that negative internal voice with a positive argument, but I have had years and years to cement those negative pathways in my brain and it will take more practice to get the positive ones well grooved. I'll just keep working at it and eventually it will be more natural. Eating in response is definitely not going to help.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Day 2 Success
I have to admit, I really didn't want to get up this morning. It was so comfortable in my bed and I was so sleepy. I turned off my alarm at 7am and went back to sleep. I woke up at a 8 and thought, I should get up now, but I just continued to lay in bed until I went back to sleep again. I woke up at 8:50 and thought, okay now I really have to get up. This continued until shortly before 9:30 am when I finally, finally mentally kicked myself out of bed. I don't know if it was staying up too late and feeling extra tired, putting off my bike ride or just plain feeling comfortable, that kept me from wanting to get up. Maybe a combination?
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
When I finally did get my arse up, I immediately got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair (pony tail this morning because no amount of wind was going to camouflage that mess) started a pot of coffee, slipped on my tennies and headed to the garage for my bike. It was a warm morning and I immediately had to take off my light jacket.
I didn't feel as peaceful or relaxed riding this morning as I did yesterday morning. I think I was too busy castigating myself for sleeping in and also worrying about our plans for today.
On July 4th, when we had gone to see the fireworks, we had parked in this large field about 1/2 mile from where the fireworks were being set off, because both my husband and I hate dealing with crowds. We weren't the only ones parked in the field, there were about a dozen other cars there too. Not bad in terms of crowd, but not the solitary show I had been anticipating.
Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because the couple parked adjacent to us had a son about our son's age and he and our kids ended up playing together and so we ended up chatting with the couple. At the end of the show, we all exchanged phone numbers with a plan to get together at some point to have the kids play. I didn't expect it would ever happen because this is what people do and they rarely follow through - we have busy lives and setting aside for strangers usually falls way low on the priority list.
Well, I was wrong because yesterday I received a text asking if we wanted to meet them at the park today and then go over to their house to let the kids play in the bouncy house they have. Of course I agreed but immediately my social anxiety set in. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hate my teeth, because I once cracked my front tooth and it was fixed but is forever discolored so it looks like I never brush my teeth or something. (If I ever have a few thousand spare dollars, I'll get it fixed, but it's considered purely cosmetic so not covered by insurance.) I'm obese, obviously, so there's all those feelings associated with my body image. My hair is literally gray on top and a weird brownish rust color on the bottom because I was dying my hair a burgundy-ish color at one time but then had to stop because I realized hair dye makes my hair fall out over time. So I don't dare color it again but the old color hasn't had time to completely grow out. And having gray hair of course makes me feel old. Okay, it's not COMPLETELY gray - it's about a 50/50 mix at the moment. My natural hair color is tones of brown, so it reminds me of rat hair (don't ask me why).
So, there's the physical aspect. Then, there's the actual social aspect. I try too hard to be liked and come off as annoying. I brag and make bad jokes and gush or make awkward comments. I notice all of this because my inner critic literally spends all the time I'm socializing standing in a corner of my head with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes or haranguing me as soon as I say something she deems stupid, crass, braggish or awkward. This is, of course, distracting and I become even more clumsy and uncomfortable. And me being uncomfortable makes other people uncomfortable.
Then, after all is said and done and we finally come home, I will mentally revisit every minute of the event and re-criticize myself all over again.
Hence my social anxiety.
On another note, I need to get back to some sort of tracking of my food intake. Since I'm no longer on WW, I've noticed a significant increase in my eating. Also, I need to get back to my policy of no eating after 7:30. I woke up this morning with another sugar hangover (hey! maybe that's why I didn't want to get out of bed!) from eating Reese's PB Cups right before bed last night (der!). The scale was, naturally, up this morning so I really need to get back into the game before it gets out of control, as it so easily and quickly does.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Day 1 Success
I have officially kicked off my Operation Morning Ride task this morning with a 20 minute bike ride close to home. I didn't get up as early as I had aimed to get up (7am) but it wasn't about the time, just completing the task. I finally dragged my carcass out of bed at 8:30 am after punching the snooze forever (yep, another bad habit to eventually kick) and my first thought was (whiney voice) "I don't wanna go for a ride!" My weekend morning routine is to get a cup of coffee and take it back to bed and spend 2 to 3 hours surfing the 'net. However, I had my task and so I told myself I only had to ride around the block and come back home.
So, I pulled on my yoga pants and found a clean t-shirt and slipped on my tennies. I brushed my teeth and hair (although the latter was sticking up in weird places, but I was hopeful the morning breeze would camouflage that) and went out to the garage to jump on my bike. No food, coffee, or sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing at my eyes and giving myself a chance to wake up more. (Well, to be fair, I had lounged in bed waking up for over an hour, so it wasn't like I was all "ack! the light!".)
I decided to take my default route (more than a block!) as it is about a 20 minute ride, and a fairly easy ride. We have a bike/walking path fairly near to the house, but it is only about 1 mile long and it just suddenly ends on a busy street rather than circling back around. So, my routine route is to take a circuitous route to the end of the path through a residential neighborhood, down the busy street, and then onto the bike path at the other end. I then ride the approximately mile back, down the bike path, which is somewhat scenic. I'll take photos next time, but it is basically an asphalt path that follows a creek, with houses on one side and on the other side of the creek. There are trees and bushes that were specifically planted along the trail, but they are young yet so pretty small.
I got home and finally showered and it felt pretty good. Not amazing like the skies opened and angels sang, which I had half been expecting since I had FINALLY met this goal after literally months of "planning" to meet this goal. But, it was a nice ride, with the birds singing and the sun just warm enough without being too hot. People were out walking or jogging, mowing lawns, working on outdoor projects. Any outside stuff has to be done early because it gets into the 90s and 100s by mid-day.
Now I am sitting here and enjoying my coffee and feeling pretty good.
So, I pulled on my yoga pants and found a clean t-shirt and slipped on my tennies. I brushed my teeth and hair (although the latter was sticking up in weird places, but I was hopeful the morning breeze would camouflage that) and went out to the garage to jump on my bike. No food, coffee, or sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing at my eyes and giving myself a chance to wake up more. (Well, to be fair, I had lounged in bed waking up for over an hour, so it wasn't like I was all "ack! the light!".)
I decided to take my default route (more than a block!) as it is about a 20 minute ride, and a fairly easy ride. We have a bike/walking path fairly near to the house, but it is only about 1 mile long and it just suddenly ends on a busy street rather than circling back around. So, my routine route is to take a circuitous route to the end of the path through a residential neighborhood, down the busy street, and then onto the bike path at the other end. I then ride the approximately mile back, down the bike path, which is somewhat scenic. I'll take photos next time, but it is basically an asphalt path that follows a creek, with houses on one side and on the other side of the creek. There are trees and bushes that were specifically planted along the trail, but they are young yet so pretty small.
I got home and finally showered and it felt pretty good. Not amazing like the skies opened and angels sang, which I had half been expecting since I had FINALLY met this goal after literally months of "planning" to meet this goal. But, it was a nice ride, with the birds singing and the sun just warm enough without being too hot. People were out walking or jogging, mowing lawns, working on outdoor projects. Any outside stuff has to be done early because it gets into the 90s and 100s by mid-day.
Now I am sitting here and enjoying my coffee and feeling pretty good.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Small Steps
We are motivated by two things: Pleasure or Avoiding Pain. Part of avoiding pain, is to shy from doing anything that seems too difficult, scary or no fun. So, to make a significant change, I have to sell it to my emotional brain as fun, different and easy. One way to do that is move in small steps, focus on one task until it becomes a habit and then move on to the next task. So that's what I'm aiming to do.
Task 1: Ride my bike in the morning. I've been wanting to get into this habit for a while. I honestly feel that I am more likely to get a workout in if I exercise in the morning and I'm more likely to make good choices throughout the day if I know I put in a real effort for myself in the morning. Plus, I think I will start off the day more energetic and with all those feel-good hormones. So that is my task until it becomes a habit.
Tomorrow I am going to get up and ride my bike, no matter what time I get up in the morning (although I'm aiming for fairly early).
Here's something interesting I learned. A study was done on the effects of sugar on the brain. They gave volunteers a sip of soda while collecting MRI data and confirmed that sugar causes the brain to let off dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical. So, whenever I eat something sugary, I'm getting that nice dopamine hit. However, over time it needs more and more of the stuff to get the same kick, and this is how we get food addiction.
Wanna know what else causes a kick of dopamine? Doing something new and challenging! So, the next time I'm feeling down and wanting a piece of candy or cake, I should go do something new and challenging to get the same reward.
I will post tomorrow on how well my bike ride went in the morning.
Task 1: Ride my bike in the morning. I've been wanting to get into this habit for a while. I honestly feel that I am more likely to get a workout in if I exercise in the morning and I'm more likely to make good choices throughout the day if I know I put in a real effort for myself in the morning. Plus, I think I will start off the day more energetic and with all those feel-good hormones. So that is my task until it becomes a habit.
Tomorrow I am going to get up and ride my bike, no matter what time I get up in the morning (although I'm aiming for fairly early).
Here's something interesting I learned. A study was done on the effects of sugar on the brain. They gave volunteers a sip of soda while collecting MRI data and confirmed that sugar causes the brain to let off dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical. So, whenever I eat something sugary, I'm getting that nice dopamine hit. However, over time it needs more and more of the stuff to get the same kick, and this is how we get food addiction.
Wanna know what else causes a kick of dopamine? Doing something new and challenging! So, the next time I'm feeling down and wanting a piece of candy or cake, I should go do something new and challenging to get the same reward.
I will post tomorrow on how well my bike ride went in the morning.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Post-Binge
Last week went really well, as I had written. I stuck to my plan. I lost 2 pounds. I exercised daily. Saturday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and that went well.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
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