I have officially kicked off my Operation Morning Ride task this morning with a 20 minute bike ride close to home. I didn't get up as early as I had aimed to get up (7am) but it wasn't about the time, just completing the task. I finally dragged my carcass out of bed at 8:30 am after punching the snooze forever (yep, another bad habit to eventually kick) and my first thought was (whiney voice) "I don't wanna go for a ride!" My weekend morning routine is to get a cup of coffee and take it back to bed and spend 2 to 3 hours surfing the 'net. However, I had my task and so I told myself I only had to ride around the block and come back home.
So, I pulled on my yoga pants and found a clean t-shirt and slipped on my tennies. I brushed my teeth and hair (although the latter was sticking up in weird places, but I was hopeful the morning breeze would camouflage that) and went out to the garage to jump on my bike. No food, coffee, or sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing at my eyes and giving myself a chance to wake up more. (Well, to be fair, I had lounged in bed waking up for over an hour, so it wasn't like I was all "ack! the light!".)
I decided to take my default route (more than a block!) as it is about a 20 minute ride, and a fairly easy ride. We have a bike/walking path fairly near to the house, but it is only about 1 mile long and it just suddenly ends on a busy street rather than circling back around. So, my routine route is to take a circuitous route to the end of the path through a residential neighborhood, down the busy street, and then onto the bike path at the other end. I then ride the approximately mile back, down the bike path, which is somewhat scenic. I'll take photos next time, but it is basically an asphalt path that follows a creek, with houses on one side and on the other side of the creek. There are trees and bushes that were specifically planted along the trail, but they are young yet so pretty small.
I got home and finally showered and it felt pretty good. Not amazing like the skies opened and angels sang, which I had half been expecting since I had FINALLY met this goal after literally months of "planning" to meet this goal. But, it was a nice ride, with the birds singing and the sun just warm enough without being too hot. People were out walking or jogging, mowing lawns, working on outdoor projects. Any outside stuff has to be done early because it gets into the 90s and 100s by mid-day.
Now I am sitting here and enjoying my coffee and feeling pretty good.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Small Steps
We are motivated by two things: Pleasure or Avoiding Pain. Part of avoiding pain, is to shy from doing anything that seems too difficult, scary or no fun. So, to make a significant change, I have to sell it to my emotional brain as fun, different and easy. One way to do that is move in small steps, focus on one task until it becomes a habit and then move on to the next task. So that's what I'm aiming to do.
Task 1: Ride my bike in the morning. I've been wanting to get into this habit for a while. I honestly feel that I am more likely to get a workout in if I exercise in the morning and I'm more likely to make good choices throughout the day if I know I put in a real effort for myself in the morning. Plus, I think I will start off the day more energetic and with all those feel-good hormones. So that is my task until it becomes a habit.
Tomorrow I am going to get up and ride my bike, no matter what time I get up in the morning (although I'm aiming for fairly early).
Here's something interesting I learned. A study was done on the effects of sugar on the brain. They gave volunteers a sip of soda while collecting MRI data and confirmed that sugar causes the brain to let off dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical. So, whenever I eat something sugary, I'm getting that nice dopamine hit. However, over time it needs more and more of the stuff to get the same kick, and this is how we get food addiction.
Wanna know what else causes a kick of dopamine? Doing something new and challenging! So, the next time I'm feeling down and wanting a piece of candy or cake, I should go do something new and challenging to get the same reward.
I will post tomorrow on how well my bike ride went in the morning.
Task 1: Ride my bike in the morning. I've been wanting to get into this habit for a while. I honestly feel that I am more likely to get a workout in if I exercise in the morning and I'm more likely to make good choices throughout the day if I know I put in a real effort for myself in the morning. Plus, I think I will start off the day more energetic and with all those feel-good hormones. So that is my task until it becomes a habit.
Tomorrow I am going to get up and ride my bike, no matter what time I get up in the morning (although I'm aiming for fairly early).
Here's something interesting I learned. A study was done on the effects of sugar on the brain. They gave volunteers a sip of soda while collecting MRI data and confirmed that sugar causes the brain to let off dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical. So, whenever I eat something sugary, I'm getting that nice dopamine hit. However, over time it needs more and more of the stuff to get the same kick, and this is how we get food addiction.
Wanna know what else causes a kick of dopamine? Doing something new and challenging! So, the next time I'm feeling down and wanting a piece of candy or cake, I should go do something new and challenging to get the same reward.
I will post tomorrow on how well my bike ride went in the morning.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Post-Binge
Last week went really well, as I had written. I stuck to my plan. I lost 2 pounds. I exercised daily. Saturday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and that went well.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
Then it kinda fell apart. I can't pinpoint when exactly it changed. I assume it happened at some point on Saturday. Because when I woke up on Sunday, the old negative habits were firmly in the driver's seat.
1. I didn't want to get out of bed when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn't think of any reason to get out of bed, and so I slept in really late.
2. When I finally got up, I didn't want to do anything. I finally made my way to the living room and onto the couch in front of the TV.
3. After halfheartedly looking for something to watch, I settled for a couple of okay documentaries. Then I started watching a series on Nazi concentration camps.
4. I literally spent all day watching people get beaten and killed and abused.
5. I halfheartedly exercised for 10 minutes.
6. I ate more than I needed to eat - and things that were not on my day's menu.
7. I went to bed late, feeling sad, depressed and angry with myself and pretty much the world at large.
So that was Sunday. On Monday I went to work per usual, but not happily. I was distracted with thoughts about the horrors I had seen on my television the day before. I didn't want to be at work. It was super hot (108) and I was anxious about money, rent and my husband finally starting his new job. When I got home from work Monday night, it was still hot (102), my husband had NOT started his new job, I had a very unpleasant conversation with the landlady about the rent, and I literally had $20 to spend on groceries for the week. Plus, the house was a wreck because I hadn't been bothered to clean on Sunday and my husband never does.
On Tuesday I learned that a coworker was being promoted to supervisor and I was disappointed because I honestly thought that with my managerial and more extensive industry experience, that I had a shot at the promotion despite my lack of tenure in comparison. I had a feeling my less than stellar performance since starting my new job (primarily attributable to my less than stellar attitude toward my new job) cost me the promotion and even though I wasn't even convinced I really wanted the promotion, I was disappointed that it was no longer an option. Added to that, the one benefit I saw of my coworker being given the manager's office (getting the window desk) was summarily offered to a junior employee. (Not that I said anything, but how could I have said anything?) I get home Tuesday evening to my husband STILL not having started his job and promptly get into an argument with him because he refuses to look for an alternative new job. Plus, the money, the lack of control over my own life, the lack of direction, the lack of something meaningful or positive to work toward, etc. etc. etc. I asked my husband to go get donuts, which he did, although we can't afford them, and then ate one quickly, all the while disliking myself for it and consciously not enjoying it. I went to bed without brushing my teeth, out of rebellious self-sabotage to take care of myself because I obviously didn't deserve it.
On Wednesday I got through my work day a little better than the previous two days but I was bummed about today, July 4th. We had NO plans, NO money, NO friends and NO extended family to spend the day with. Not to mention that my husband does not like holidays and actively avoids DOING anything. Plus, it's still too hot (103) to really do anything outside and the house was even more of a wreck because I had yet to clean a single thing. I had Taco Bell for lunch and would have had fast food for dinner but I was too lazy to even do that. I did eat about three donuts, a huge bowl of popcorn and a cup of noodles, with a hot chocolate chaser, all while plopped on the couch watching brainless tv. I literally ate until I was in too much discomfort to get comfortable when I finally went to bed.
This morning I paid for my sugar high of last night, by waking up with a sugar hangover. It isn't much different than an alcohol hangover - tired, headachy, body achy, angry and thirsty. I felt sick to my stomach and super, super disappointed with myself.
Today I am trying to get back on track and still fighting the hangover, despite drinking a shedload of water. It is late afternoon and I have managed to do a load of dishes and start some laundry, but that's about it. Otherwise I have sat in bed, reading and thinking and trying to decide WHAT DO I WANT?
I mean, I know what I want. I want to be fit and healthy and happy. I want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and drive to work without fantasizing about getting into an accident just to delay having to get there. I want to write and be proud of myself. I want to have a healthy marriage and money in the bank and my bills paid. I want to eat food when I'm hungry. To be comfortable with feelings of sadness, anger, boredom and disappointment, without needing to escape them. I want to have friends and a social life.
I just don't know how to get there.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Weight Watchers Meeting
I am typing this on my phone as I sit and wait for my meeting to start. I already weighed in and I am down two pounds this week. Since starting the program five weeks ago I have lost a total of one pound, which is way better than having an overall gain like I'd had last week. This is one of my last meetings. I finally had to cancel my membership knowing I can no longer afford the luxury. Even if my husband does start his new job next week, which I'm still concerned won't actually happen, it will be a while before I get caught up on all the bills. I would rather continue with the program but such is life.
My husband and I were arguing again last night. About money off course. He is acting like somehow everyone else is being unreasonable and once again things are being done to him. He is not responsible and why does everyone have to give him crap all the time. The world is shit and people are shit and he's the only reasonable person he knows with more than two brain cells to rub together. This is his common theme when he is feeling defensive. Again, such is life. There will be drama.
So obviously last week went really well diet wise. Which is awesome considering everything going on but my joy of success is tempered by everything going on. Still I take the win.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Food (and other) Thoughts
Sometimes I wonder what I would think about if I wasn't thinking about food, either the eating of, desire for, calories/fat/carbs/points of, or the food that I can't eat (which is what I think about most). I don't think I would think about much of anything if all food and diet related thoughts ceased to exist for me. I might remember that I have more to live for than what I can or cannot eat. That there is more to life than the next weigh-in or how well my clothes fit.
Not that I think I should just eat what I want to eat and stop thinking about what I cannot eat. That definitely isn't the answer, as I know too well. Because even when I stop thinking about what I cannot eat, I continue to think about what I want to eat, and I will do if I allow myself. I can eat myself to death like a gold fish if I allowed it. Even when I really, really want something, and then three bites in I find it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be, I will still finish it. Or when I make something for dinner and it just doesn't taste that great for whatever reason, I'll keep eating it until it's gone.
But, to stop thinking of food full-stop. I mean, obviously I want to live so I can't stop eating altogether. But to have other things at the forefront of my mind rather than food...
Okay that's an exaggeration. It isn't food ALL the time. Sometimes I am more worrying about what people are thinking about me. Like, I have this habit at work of butting into other people's conversations and then I immediately chastise myself for it, because you know my coworkers find it annoying. I can't seem to stop myself from interjecting when I have something to say, when they are having a conversation three feet away from me. And do you know why I do this? I know why I do this: 1. I want to feel a part of the group (totally normal and natural); 2. I want to feel liked and accepted and so I try to impress with my wealth of knowledge. I'm not accustomed to being low on the totem pole at work and right now I am. I was a big fish in a small pond and now I'm a small fish in a big pond and I'm having a little difficulty adjusting. So, yeah, sometimes I'm thinking about those things.
Or sometimes I'm thinking about things like my conversation with my landlady wherein I have to admit that I'm only going to be able to pay part of the rent and the rest in 2 weeks because my husband hasn't brought in a paycheck in a couple months and he spent half the money he borrowed to help out with the rent. My landlady's response? Urging us to move out. She seriously wanted us to move out THIS WEEKEND. Uh, yeah, you need money to move. Not to mention that while I totally sympathize with her concern and I feel like crap about being late with the rent, I AM giving her most of the rent and a post dated check, with an extra $100 thrown in, tomorrow. And we've never been late before. So her reaction seems a little extreme to me. But, whatever, it's her house (we're not moving btw). Anyway so I feel like crap about that.
So, there are other things to think about, but invariably my thoughts turn to food. It's like..."wow, that was really crap that she wants us to move and how are we going to get the money to move and I so hate moving and the kids have their friends next door and it isn't like we've been late before and now my husband has a job starting Monday (hopefully) so it isn't like we are going to keep having this problem (hopefully) and I wonder what I will have for dinner. How many points do I have left? If I eat something salty it will show up on the scale tomorrow. I should really eat vegetables, because I never eat enough vegetables, but what sounds good? And that isn't going to cost much money? Should I stop at the grocery store on my way home? Will I give in and buy one of those sugary danishes they always display at the front of the store? And on and on and on.
I wonder sometimes if thinking about food and dieting and food again isn't some form of escapism for me. I'd rather think about food than what my coworkers think of me or how difficult it is to fit in or how uncomfortable and awkward I am around other people or how MUCH money we owe and how I'm late in EVERY bill and how are we ever going to catch up and what if my husband doesn't start his new job on Monday, etc. etc. etc.
I really need to get better at meditating and shut all this shit down for a while.
Not that I think I should just eat what I want to eat and stop thinking about what I cannot eat. That definitely isn't the answer, as I know too well. Because even when I stop thinking about what I cannot eat, I continue to think about what I want to eat, and I will do if I allow myself. I can eat myself to death like a gold fish if I allowed it. Even when I really, really want something, and then three bites in I find it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be, I will still finish it. Or when I make something for dinner and it just doesn't taste that great for whatever reason, I'll keep eating it until it's gone.
But, to stop thinking of food full-stop. I mean, obviously I want to live so I can't stop eating altogether. But to have other things at the forefront of my mind rather than food...
Okay that's an exaggeration. It isn't food ALL the time. Sometimes I am more worrying about what people are thinking about me. Like, I have this habit at work of butting into other people's conversations and then I immediately chastise myself for it, because you know my coworkers find it annoying. I can't seem to stop myself from interjecting when I have something to say, when they are having a conversation three feet away from me. And do you know why I do this? I know why I do this: 1. I want to feel a part of the group (totally normal and natural); 2. I want to feel liked and accepted and so I try to impress with my wealth of knowledge. I'm not accustomed to being low on the totem pole at work and right now I am. I was a big fish in a small pond and now I'm a small fish in a big pond and I'm having a little difficulty adjusting. So, yeah, sometimes I'm thinking about those things.
Or sometimes I'm thinking about things like my conversation with my landlady wherein I have to admit that I'm only going to be able to pay part of the rent and the rest in 2 weeks because my husband hasn't brought in a paycheck in a couple months and he spent half the money he borrowed to help out with the rent. My landlady's response? Urging us to move out. She seriously wanted us to move out THIS WEEKEND. Uh, yeah, you need money to move. Not to mention that while I totally sympathize with her concern and I feel like crap about being late with the rent, I AM giving her most of the rent and a post dated check, with an extra $100 thrown in, tomorrow. And we've never been late before. So her reaction seems a little extreme to me. But, whatever, it's her house (we're not moving btw). Anyway so I feel like crap about that.
So, there are other things to think about, but invariably my thoughts turn to food. It's like..."wow, that was really crap that she wants us to move and how are we going to get the money to move and I so hate moving and the kids have their friends next door and it isn't like we've been late before and now my husband has a job starting Monday (hopefully) so it isn't like we are going to keep having this problem (hopefully) and I wonder what I will have for dinner. How many points do I have left? If I eat something salty it will show up on the scale tomorrow. I should really eat vegetables, because I never eat enough vegetables, but what sounds good? And that isn't going to cost much money? Should I stop at the grocery store on my way home? Will I give in and buy one of those sugary danishes they always display at the front of the store? And on and on and on.
I wonder sometimes if thinking about food and dieting and food again isn't some form of escapism for me. I'd rather think about food than what my coworkers think of me or how difficult it is to fit in or how uncomfortable and awkward I am around other people or how MUCH money we owe and how I'm late in EVERY bill and how are we ever going to catch up and what if my husband doesn't start his new job on Monday, etc. etc. etc.
I really need to get better at meditating and shut all this shit down for a while.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The Fight
Why is it sometimes we just have to spark an argument? You know it isn't going to solve anything. You know you are just going to make both you and your spouse miserable, but you just can't stop yourself from saying something. It really doesn't solve anything. There's just tension and upset and dislike and bad feelings.
My husband just got a new job and I was relieved because he has been off work for a few weeks. I've been worried about paying the rent, but he was able to get a loan from his mother, and he was going to start his new job today. So, I figured I could pay most of the rent with my paycheck and the remainder with the money he got from his mom, and then, before too long, we'd have his first paycheck to tide things over.
However, that's not what happened. My husband was supposed to start training today (remotely, because he is working a regional area not near any of the company's offices) except that he never completed the new-hire packet that was sent to him A WEEK AGO. He's been sitting on it, apparently. And then he was surprised when they wouldn't let him start training today. Of course they needed him to complete all of the at-will and proof of right to work in the US and confidentiality agreements and everything else before they would just allow him access to the company's system. So, now he is just mailing the documents tonight (couldn't even get it done before 5) and will have to wait until next week to start his training.
On top of that, he only had half of the money his mother gave him left. Less than half, actually. I don't know what he did with the rest of it and I didn't ask, because he would just tell me it isn't any of my business. Except that now we don't have the full rent to pay. So, I called the landlord to give her the news (because I'd rather just have her know now than worry about the blowback later) and she is urging me to move to a cheaper place because she doesn't trust my husband.
When my husband hears about my conversation with her (not about that she doesn't trust him, though), he blows up at me and says that I screwed up his handling of her. He said he had already told her there was the possibility we would be a bit short with the rent, but that we would get it covered. He thought he was being smart by giving under-promising reality (like she wouldn't figure it out come the first) and then once she did find out then he would handle it again. She isn't stupid. She knows his game. But, how do I have that conversation with him? He's already unstable.
This is my life. And if anyone is thinking that I should just leave and go off on my own, I have kids. And when I did try to leave, the kids were VISITING me. Because he managed to talk his way around the judge and get primary custody. Yeah, so that isn't going to happen again. I'm not visiting my kids.
Bad night and just accomplished nothing but making things more tense and unhappy around here.
On the flip side (since this blog IS about food), I didn't binge on the back of that fight.
My husband just got a new job and I was relieved because he has been off work for a few weeks. I've been worried about paying the rent, but he was able to get a loan from his mother, and he was going to start his new job today. So, I figured I could pay most of the rent with my paycheck and the remainder with the money he got from his mom, and then, before too long, we'd have his first paycheck to tide things over.
However, that's not what happened. My husband was supposed to start training today (remotely, because he is working a regional area not near any of the company's offices) except that he never completed the new-hire packet that was sent to him A WEEK AGO. He's been sitting on it, apparently. And then he was surprised when they wouldn't let him start training today. Of course they needed him to complete all of the at-will and proof of right to work in the US and confidentiality agreements and everything else before they would just allow him access to the company's system. So, now he is just mailing the documents tonight (couldn't even get it done before 5) and will have to wait until next week to start his training.
On top of that, he only had half of the money his mother gave him left. Less than half, actually. I don't know what he did with the rest of it and I didn't ask, because he would just tell me it isn't any of my business. Except that now we don't have the full rent to pay. So, I called the landlord to give her the news (because I'd rather just have her know now than worry about the blowback later) and she is urging me to move to a cheaper place because she doesn't trust my husband.
When my husband hears about my conversation with her (not about that she doesn't trust him, though), he blows up at me and says that I screwed up his handling of her. He said he had already told her there was the possibility we would be a bit short with the rent, but that we would get it covered. He thought he was being smart by giving under-promising reality (like she wouldn't figure it out come the first) and then once she did find out then he would handle it again. She isn't stupid. She knows his game. But, how do I have that conversation with him? He's already unstable.
This is my life. And if anyone is thinking that I should just leave and go off on my own, I have kids. And when I did try to leave, the kids were VISITING me. Because he managed to talk his way around the judge and get primary custody. Yeah, so that isn't going to happen again. I'm not visiting my kids.
Bad night and just accomplished nothing but making things more tense and unhappy around here.
On the flip side (since this blog IS about food), I didn't binge on the back of that fight.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Planned!
I met my first objective - I planned my week's food! Yesterday, I got on my laptop and came up with a menu for every meal and snack for myself for this week, and then I tracked it all in Weight Watchers so I'd know I was within my daily budget.
I was a little worried that I would struggle against the restraints of having to eat a certain food at each meal or snack, that I would maybe feel like something different. But, actually that hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it was a welcome relief to not have to decide what to make for dinner tonight, or what to take for lunch today. There was no opportunity for me to have the dreaded self-argument between what I wanted (something fattening and tasty) and what I should have (something healthy and low-cal). I came home, made what was on the menu, ate and then cleaned up, easy peasy.
I also did my 20 minutes of exercise, which is my minimum. I had a headache so I didn't do more than that tonight. However, I meditated for probably the longest time I've ever meditated. I was physically numb by the time I tried to stand up, but so, so, so relaxed. And I needed that relaxed because I came home to an utter wreck of a house and spent my first 30 minutes home yelling at the kids and trying to get the place in some kind of order again. That and work...
Work... It's not the kind of work I would be doing if I had a choice. If I had a choice, I would be a novelist. Not very novel is it? Nor is it the kind of job one can train for and then do, just like that. Nope, it's an arty job, which means you can write and write and write and never make a cent. Which means you have to have a day job. Which totally sucks, I don't mind telling you. I am currently writing my eighth novel, with not a published writing in my entire history (other than like newsletters and stuff).
To be fair, other than short stories, I have never tried to publish. I always get to the end of a book and then decide it just isn't any good and I just push it to the back of the closet (literally). Anyway, I'm working on the eighth book and I really do plan on trying to get this one published, or maybe self-publish, but it is a good few months from even having the rough draft done, never mind the edits and rewrites. A year probably before the entire project is done, if not two years and then...
Maudlin thoughts.
I was a little worried that I would struggle against the restraints of having to eat a certain food at each meal or snack, that I would maybe feel like something different. But, actually that hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it was a welcome relief to not have to decide what to make for dinner tonight, or what to take for lunch today. There was no opportunity for me to have the dreaded self-argument between what I wanted (something fattening and tasty) and what I should have (something healthy and low-cal). I came home, made what was on the menu, ate and then cleaned up, easy peasy.
I also did my 20 minutes of exercise, which is my minimum. I had a headache so I didn't do more than that tonight. However, I meditated for probably the longest time I've ever meditated. I was physically numb by the time I tried to stand up, but so, so, so relaxed. And I needed that relaxed because I came home to an utter wreck of a house and spent my first 30 minutes home yelling at the kids and trying to get the place in some kind of order again. That and work...
Work... It's not the kind of work I would be doing if I had a choice. If I had a choice, I would be a novelist. Not very novel is it? Nor is it the kind of job one can train for and then do, just like that. Nope, it's an arty job, which means you can write and write and write and never make a cent. Which means you have to have a day job. Which totally sucks, I don't mind telling you. I am currently writing my eighth novel, with not a published writing in my entire history (other than like newsletters and stuff).
To be fair, other than short stories, I have never tried to publish. I always get to the end of a book and then decide it just isn't any good and I just push it to the back of the closet (literally). Anyway, I'm working on the eighth book and I really do plan on trying to get this one published, or maybe self-publish, but it is a good few months from even having the rough draft done, never mind the edits and rewrites. A year probably before the entire project is done, if not two years and then...
Maudlin thoughts.
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