Back in October of last year, I finally got fed up with my over-eating and weight gain and decided to completely clean out my cupboards of anything that could/would trigger a binge. It turned out that this pretty much included anything with flour or sugar in it, so I decided that I would just avoid eating those things. It worked out well for a couple months. But, then one day I gave in and ate toast and "fell off the wagon." Since then, I have tried to get back onto this way of eating a few times - once for nearly two weeks - but I haven't been able to maintain it. It isn't easy. However, if I could just get through the first few weeks, the cravings for sugar and junk really do diminish significantly. I felt better, had more energy, fewer migraines and slept better as a result of eating that way.
The past week or so I've really been struggling again - feeling bloated and uncomfortable all the time. Not being able to fit into any of my clothes. Knowing I'm gaining, gaining, gaining every day. I feel like I've tucked and begun a roll down a long hill, gaining momentum with every moment that passes. That's why the no sugar, no flour thing worked before - it halted that progress, at least for a little while.
So, I decided today to give it another go. It's always worth a try and I know that if I stick to it, it does work. The cravings lessen, I feel better and I eat a lot less, even though I'm not counting calories or trying to eat less.
I went to the grocery store today to stock up on foods I can eat. I want plenty of variety in the house while I do this. The initial detox from sugar. I expect to feel tired and cranky tomorrow and for the next couple days but then I should start to feel better. I can eat all the fruit and veggies I want, so this isn't an Atkins diet. It's just a no-junk diet. Actually, it's not a diet - it's a HEALTH MISSION. I'm on a mission to improve my health by kicking out all that junk that just makes us overeat and feel like crap. That's my mission and I'm (hopefully!) stickin' to it.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Daily Exercise
So far, my aim to exercise daily for 5 minutes is working. I missed one day, due to working until nearly 11 pm, but I made it up by exercising twice the next day, so I'm not counting it as a missed day :) 5 minutes really is nothing. I'm hoping by shooting for such a short duration, I can instill the habit of daily exercise. And I may go longer. Today I did 8 1/2 minutes. But 5 minutes a day is far better than 0 minutes a day. After a week, I'll have exercised 35 minutes. That's way, way better than 0 minutes.
Anyway, I'm still eating a lot of junk. I really need to take control of my fridge/cupboard and get the junk out. I threw out the rest of the Easter candy, so that's a start. The trick will be not to replace it with more junk when next I go grocery shopping.
I'm thinking about buying an activity monitor again. And tracking calories. It's a little scary, to think about tracking calories because I'm already so obsessed with food and eating and I've heard/read that stopping dieting is the first step toward recovering from a food addiction. On the other hand, I'm getting heavier daily and I should do whatever it takes to get my weight back down to a healthy range. I am in the OBESE range at the moment, and probably gaining about 3 pounds a week with my current eating habits. I've gotten to the point where my back is aching all the time again, and my knees scream at me whenever I squat or kneel. I'm sick and tired of feeling like crap because of my constant eating.
So, yes, maybe the activity tracker will help. It did help me last time. I kinda shouldn't spend the money, because I have been a spend-o-maniac lately and I'm supposed to be saving. And paying off debts. But, it would be so great if I could start to lose weight already. Or at least stop gaining. I would settle for stopping the gain at the moment.
Anyway, I'm still eating a lot of junk. I really need to take control of my fridge/cupboard and get the junk out. I threw out the rest of the Easter candy, so that's a start. The trick will be not to replace it with more junk when next I go grocery shopping.
I'm thinking about buying an activity monitor again. And tracking calories. It's a little scary, to think about tracking calories because I'm already so obsessed with food and eating and I've heard/read that stopping dieting is the first step toward recovering from a food addiction. On the other hand, I'm getting heavier daily and I should do whatever it takes to get my weight back down to a healthy range. I am in the OBESE range at the moment, and probably gaining about 3 pounds a week with my current eating habits. I've gotten to the point where my back is aching all the time again, and my knees scream at me whenever I squat or kneel. I'm sick and tired of feeling like crap because of my constant eating.
So, yes, maybe the activity tracker will help. It did help me last time. I kinda shouldn't spend the money, because I have been a spend-o-maniac lately and I'm supposed to be saving. And paying off debts. But, it would be so great if I could start to lose weight already. Or at least stop gaining. I would settle for stopping the gain at the moment.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Incremental
Sometimes I try to convince myself otherwise. I tell myself that that kind of thinking is negative and undermining. That I can just learn to live life around activity and doing and not around food. That if I could just be happy, or manage stress or exercise more, or find a secret well of willpower and self-discipline, then I will finally stop eating so damned much. But, all of that is just fooling myself. I am a food addict, pure and simple. I used to be a cigarette smoker, so I know what addiction is. Here is why I know I'm a food addict:
1. My thoughts are consumed by eating and food.
2. My behavior is often dictated by eating and food.
3. I do things I later regret because of eating and food.
4. I make poor choices when it comes to eating and food.
5. My eating and food choices are counter to my long-term goals.
6. I hurt myself with my eating and food.
There are many more, but I think that's enough just that list. My food and eating habits are hurting me, every day, in a number of ways. My health; my sense of wellbeing; my ability to move easily; pressure on my back which is already arthritic, and on my knees, causing me daily discomfort; my self confidence; my parenting choices (unhealthy foods for the kids, a poor role model and curtailing fun activities because I'm too uncomfortable with my weight); and on and on. There are so many reasons I want to change these food and eating habits. A lot of very good reasons.
However, I'm not going to make the mistakes I've made in the past. I'm not going to say that tomorrow I will not eat sugar. That's not the way to go about this. Otherwise, tomorrow comes and I put it off to the next day and the next. This is actually a common human error, to believe our tomorrow self will somehow be stronger, braver, with more willpower and self-discipline. We actually project a lot of strength on our tomorrow self that our today self does not have. Except, obviously we are the same tomorrow as we are today. So, for tomorrow I can only do a little more than what I can do today. Or maybe not even more; maybe just the same. We have to work up to it slowly to realize that our tomorrow self is very similar to our today self. We might even be weaker tomorrow than we are today - less able to pull from our willpower and self-discipline.
So, that is why I am starting very small. Because whatever I can do today is what I can do tomorrow. The changes have to be incremental to be long-lasting.
So, for the next three weeks, I will exercise every day, for at least five minutes. Intentional exercise. Not just wandering around the grocery store, but putting on my tennis shoes and going out for exercise. In three weeks, I'll see if I'm ready to add the next step. Eventually I want to get to the point where I'm exercising and meditating and eating healthy, every day. As a matter of course. Those are my longer-term aims. My full long-term aim is to feel vital and alive and good and to embrace life, not hide from it.
1. My thoughts are consumed by eating and food.
2. My behavior is often dictated by eating and food.
3. I do things I later regret because of eating and food.
4. I make poor choices when it comes to eating and food.
5. My eating and food choices are counter to my long-term goals.
6. I hurt myself with my eating and food.
There are many more, but I think that's enough just that list. My food and eating habits are hurting me, every day, in a number of ways. My health; my sense of wellbeing; my ability to move easily; pressure on my back which is already arthritic, and on my knees, causing me daily discomfort; my self confidence; my parenting choices (unhealthy foods for the kids, a poor role model and curtailing fun activities because I'm too uncomfortable with my weight); and on and on. There are so many reasons I want to change these food and eating habits. A lot of very good reasons.
However, I'm not going to make the mistakes I've made in the past. I'm not going to say that tomorrow I will not eat sugar. That's not the way to go about this. Otherwise, tomorrow comes and I put it off to the next day and the next. This is actually a common human error, to believe our tomorrow self will somehow be stronger, braver, with more willpower and self-discipline. We actually project a lot of strength on our tomorrow self that our today self does not have. Except, obviously we are the same tomorrow as we are today. So, for tomorrow I can only do a little more than what I can do today. Or maybe not even more; maybe just the same. We have to work up to it slowly to realize that our tomorrow self is very similar to our today self. We might even be weaker tomorrow than we are today - less able to pull from our willpower and self-discipline.
So, that is why I am starting very small. Because whatever I can do today is what I can do tomorrow. The changes have to be incremental to be long-lasting.
So, for the next three weeks, I will exercise every day, for at least five minutes. Intentional exercise. Not just wandering around the grocery store, but putting on my tennis shoes and going out for exercise. In three weeks, I'll see if I'm ready to add the next step. Eventually I want to get to the point where I'm exercising and meditating and eating healthy, every day. As a matter of course. Those are my longer-term aims. My full long-term aim is to feel vital and alive and good and to embrace life, not hide from it.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Feeling Poorly
Not feeling my best today. I have a slight headache and a bad tummy. I think I may have eaten something that didn't agree with me (maybe my steamed veggies from the weekend). That's the risk of preparing food ahead of time. Or maybe it's nothing to do with what I've eaten. On top of that, it's that time of month and a bad one. It's freezing outside (literally, below freezing) and I just want to curl up with a warm fire and a book. I can't do the fire, but I will curl up with a good book later. Right now I'm working (really, I am, in the background).
I don't think I'm going to get to any exercise today :(. I did go to my dr. appt. to get a new PX for my migraines. (Hopefully I won't need them but usually I do this time of month.) I went to the library and restocked on books (just in time) and also stopped by the grocery store. I was bummed because I really wanted to get some banana chips (I know, not the best food in the world, but literally it's my only form of junk food these days) but the only ones they had at the Wal-Mart had sugar added to them. Why would they need to add sugar?! Bananas are so sweet already. All of the dried fruit had added sugar, which was a bummer. I really wanted to get some treat so I don't feel so deprived but dried fruit is bad enough without adding unnecessary sugar. I got fresh bananas instead (yes, I know it's better). I didn't get much else in the way of food because I was in a hurry and I didn't know what to get. Nothing with flour or sugar or cheese or onion or cured meats, etc. etc. It really significantly narrow down the possibilities. I bought myself some bananas, eggs, celery, apples, lettuce and natural peanut butter.
Enough pity party. I requested a couple of whole foods cookbooks from the library so hopefully I'll find some good ideas and recipes there. In the meantime, I still have plenty of leftover soup. Tomorrow I'll make bean soup for dinner - that should be good.
I don't think I'm going to get to any exercise today :(. I did go to my dr. appt. to get a new PX for my migraines. (Hopefully I won't need them but usually I do this time of month.) I went to the library and restocked on books (just in time) and also stopped by the grocery store. I was bummed because I really wanted to get some banana chips (I know, not the best food in the world, but literally it's my only form of junk food these days) but the only ones they had at the Wal-Mart had sugar added to them. Why would they need to add sugar?! Bananas are so sweet already. All of the dried fruit had added sugar, which was a bummer. I really wanted to get some treat so I don't feel so deprived but dried fruit is bad enough without adding unnecessary sugar. I got fresh bananas instead (yes, I know it's better). I didn't get much else in the way of food because I was in a hurry and I didn't know what to get. Nothing with flour or sugar or cheese or onion or cured meats, etc. etc. It really significantly narrow down the possibilities. I bought myself some bananas, eggs, celery, apples, lettuce and natural peanut butter.
Enough pity party. I requested a couple of whole foods cookbooks from the library so hopefully I'll find some good ideas and recipes there. In the meantime, I still have plenty of leftover soup. Tomorrow I'll make bean soup for dinner - that should be good.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Fun and Novel
Apparently, the idea of something being uncomfortable is enough for the brain to steer a wide path - be it the work to get to a goal or even just certain thoughts. If it's uncomfortable, it's taboo. Only pleasant, happy, easy stuff gets through without a roadblock. That's why we're more likely to exercise if it's fun, relatively easy and novel than if it's boring and difficult.
That's why this way of eating is a challenge. It isn't easy (no pre-packaged foods) and it isn't always fun (between having to go through preparations and finding myself eating the same foods over and over). Junk food is fun. Vegetables tend not to be. Sometimes fruit is yummy; but the sweetness of fruit pales significantly to the sweetness of sugar. My taste buds have been tainted by sugar.
Also, there's no buzz without the sugar/fat/salt combo.
The trick is to make it fun and novel and interesting. Obviously, the first few days are novel but that doesn't last. Which is why I'm trying to make new foods. Having already cooked foods in neat containers in the fridge has helped but it's only Tuesday and I'm already bored of those foods. Now what? I guess it's back to the cook books. I wish I had a good cook book that follows exactly my diet :) I guess that's the easy part of just following whatever the latest fad diet is - they usually tell you exactly what to eat. I know what NOT to eat; not so much what I CAN eat. Besides meat and vegetables and fruit and brown rice. Fresh fruit and veggies are somewhat limited around here, being that we're literally in high plains, nothing-can-grow-here-but-rocks for literally miles and miles and miles around. Also, I'm just not sure what to do with most of it. I mean, obviously I know what to do with the fruit, but not so much the vegetables.
Again, back to the cook books. I'll just have to see if the library holds anything even somewhat useful to me.
That's why this way of eating is a challenge. It isn't easy (no pre-packaged foods) and it isn't always fun (between having to go through preparations and finding myself eating the same foods over and over). Junk food is fun. Vegetables tend not to be. Sometimes fruit is yummy; but the sweetness of fruit pales significantly to the sweetness of sugar. My taste buds have been tainted by sugar.
Also, there's no buzz without the sugar/fat/salt combo.
The trick is to make it fun and novel and interesting. Obviously, the first few days are novel but that doesn't last. Which is why I'm trying to make new foods. Having already cooked foods in neat containers in the fridge has helped but it's only Tuesday and I'm already bored of those foods. Now what? I guess it's back to the cook books. I wish I had a good cook book that follows exactly my diet :) I guess that's the easy part of just following whatever the latest fad diet is - they usually tell you exactly what to eat. I know what NOT to eat; not so much what I CAN eat. Besides meat and vegetables and fruit and brown rice. Fresh fruit and veggies are somewhat limited around here, being that we're literally in high plains, nothing-can-grow-here-but-rocks for literally miles and miles and miles around. Also, I'm just not sure what to do with most of it. I mean, obviously I know what to do with the fruit, but not so much the vegetables.
Again, back to the cook books. I'll just have to see if the library holds anything even somewhat useful to me.
Monday, February 17, 2014
24 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Yep, 6 days down, 24 to go. This is in the no sugar/no flour because I have to restart my goal counts on the rest. I made it 5 days but did not exercise, meditate or write in my gratitude journal yesterday. So, back to day one with that count. Still, the important one is still ongoing :) This was especially hard this weekend when there was fudge on top of the fridge and candy bars inside (my adult son's). Plus the kids bringing home a shit load of goodies from their valentine's parties at school. They hauled some serious sugar home. It is amazing that schools are so comfortable handing out that much candy / cake / cookies. I don't see we're going to have any significant change in our country's overall size until we stop celebrating every damn holiday in school with JUNK FOOD.
Anyway, except for what my adult son brings into the house, at least I can control what's inside. And with regarding to feeding my family this weekend, that went really well. I spent hours this weekend making chicken and vegetable broth and then using some of the broths to make a couple of healthy soups. Since I'm trying to avoid MSG, I can't use store-bought broths. I took the chicken broth and made a soup with a variety of vegetables, shredded chicken (from the chicken I used to make the broth) and rice. From the vegetable broth, I made a creamy veggie/bean soup. Both turned out very yummy and lots of leftovers in the fridge. I also made a sizable amount of sweet potato mash to have on hand for me. I think not having easy-to-hand foods that are tasty is the hardest part of all of the foods I have to avoid (to control both my migraines and my food addiction). Literally all pre-packaged food is out. I mean, yes I can grab a piece of fruit or munch on some cut-up veggies, but I often don't want either of those things. Or I find I'm eating too much fruit and have to haul myself back from it. So, having some foods that I like ready to eat in the fridge will help a lot with me not feeling deprived.
Anyway, except for what my adult son brings into the house, at least I can control what's inside. And with regarding to feeding my family this weekend, that went really well. I spent hours this weekend making chicken and vegetable broth and then using some of the broths to make a couple of healthy soups. Since I'm trying to avoid MSG, I can't use store-bought broths. I took the chicken broth and made a soup with a variety of vegetables, shredded chicken (from the chicken I used to make the broth) and rice. From the vegetable broth, I made a creamy veggie/bean soup. Both turned out very yummy and lots of leftovers in the fridge. I also made a sizable amount of sweet potato mash to have on hand for me. I think not having easy-to-hand foods that are tasty is the hardest part of all of the foods I have to avoid (to control both my migraines and my food addiction). Literally all pre-packaged food is out. I mean, yes I can grab a piece of fruit or munch on some cut-up veggies, but I often don't want either of those things. Or I find I'm eating too much fruit and have to haul myself back from it. So, having some foods that I like ready to eat in the fridge will help a lot with me not feeling deprived.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
T-Minus 29 Days
I've decided to count down my goal rather than count up. I have successfully fulfilled day one of my commitment to being strong and calm (my positive terminology for no sugar/no flour), and to completing my daily practices. Today, I feel good. I even did my workout and meditation early in the day - just before noon. Usually I'm scrambling to fit it in at the end of the day, which isn't the most practical time because I'm also juggling getting dinner cleaned up, homework done, kids bathed and in bed on time. So, it is nice to be at just past mid-day and already done with those commitments.
My exercise last night consisted of a whole 10 minutes of yoga and 10 minutes of meditation. As mentioned above, I didn't leave myself with a lot of time to accomplish these goals.
Today my exercise consisted of 15 minutes of Yoga, 10 minutes of aerobics and 20 minutes of meditation. I did the meditation immediately after the exercises, when I most enjoy it. It gives my body time to cool down and relax after the workout, and with all the blood flow my brain is better able to concentrate. Today was especially relaxing because the sun came out and slanted just right so that I felt the warmth on my face as I was meditating. I love the feel of the warm sun on my skin.
Even though I ate fairly well, quantities were a bit altogether high for one day. I'm not measuring or restricting myself to calories. Still, I hope to bring that down just a bit today.
Breakfast was a bowl of oatmeal with 1 tsp peanut butter (natural with no sugar) and 1/2 cup unsweetened frozen mixed berries.
Lunch was a bowl of leftover homemade chili with shredded cheddar cheese and a banana.
Snack was two handfuls of pumpkin seeds, shells eaten.
Dinner was homemade tomato soup (turned out awesome) and a salad, followed by two tangerines.
Snack #2 was 2 cheese and chicken roll-ups (basically a slice of chicken lunch meat rolled around a piece of cheddar cheese), a single-serving bag of roasted almonds and about a handful of blueberries.
Dinner was especially difficult because, being the nice mom/wife I am, I knew the boys wouldn't be satisfied with just soup so I grilled cheese sandwiches to go with them - even bought fresh-baked bread. I was practically drooling watching them eat the sandwiches, and I don't even particularly like grilled cheese (which is why I thought it would be safe). The problem was the bread - that fresh-baked bread looked and smelled SO good. Amazing how appetizing something is when you know you can't have it!
So, all in all, not a bad start. No migraine or headache today - YAY!
My exercise last night consisted of a whole 10 minutes of yoga and 10 minutes of meditation. As mentioned above, I didn't leave myself with a lot of time to accomplish these goals.
Today my exercise consisted of 15 minutes of Yoga, 10 minutes of aerobics and 20 minutes of meditation. I did the meditation immediately after the exercises, when I most enjoy it. It gives my body time to cool down and relax after the workout, and with all the blood flow my brain is better able to concentrate. Today was especially relaxing because the sun came out and slanted just right so that I felt the warmth on my face as I was meditating. I love the feel of the warm sun on my skin.
Even though I ate fairly well, quantities were a bit altogether high for one day. I'm not measuring or restricting myself to calories. Still, I hope to bring that down just a bit today.
Breakfast was a bowl of oatmeal with 1 tsp peanut butter (natural with no sugar) and 1/2 cup unsweetened frozen mixed berries.
Lunch was a bowl of leftover homemade chili with shredded cheddar cheese and a banana.
Snack was two handfuls of pumpkin seeds, shells eaten.
Dinner was homemade tomato soup (turned out awesome) and a salad, followed by two tangerines.
Snack #2 was 2 cheese and chicken roll-ups (basically a slice of chicken lunch meat rolled around a piece of cheddar cheese), a single-serving bag of roasted almonds and about a handful of blueberries.
Dinner was especially difficult because, being the nice mom/wife I am, I knew the boys wouldn't be satisfied with just soup so I grilled cheese sandwiches to go with them - even bought fresh-baked bread. I was practically drooling watching them eat the sandwiches, and I don't even particularly like grilled cheese (which is why I thought it would be safe). The problem was the bread - that fresh-baked bread looked and smelled SO good. Amazing how appetizing something is when you know you can't have it!
So, all in all, not a bad start. No migraine or headache today - YAY!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Credit Where Credit is Due
I have to give myself credit - I may not succeed, but I keep trying. I have been coming and going on this blog since 2010. I have made many attempts to find balance and happiness in my life my entire adult life. I definitely have my days, weeks, months or even years of sticking my head in the sand. Half-living by over-eating and under-doing. Just spending most of my waking hours escaping from my own thoughts. But, I bolster myself up and I try again, and again, and again... What else is there but to keep trying. And, honestly, it is just practice, isn't it? I may be a bit slow on the uptake, but I do learn a little bit each time I try.
It is now the beginning of 2014 and half a year since I last blogged. Since that time, I have changed jobs, moved to a new state, and gained another couple dozen pounds. I spent a lot of time in the last half year eating mindlessly. In fact, I think I ate more during that time than all the years prior. It was getting to the point, last fall, when I would go to bed with a stomachache and wake up with a stomachache and a headache. I felt awful all the time.
Right at the end of October 2013, I had had enough. I could not continue on feeling so bad all the time. I literally cleaned out my cupboards, threw away all sugar and flour filled foods and left myself with vegetables, meat, beans, rice and fruit. I ate that way until December 2013 and I was feeling very good during that time. I was exercising every day. I stopped feeling like I needed to eat every moment of every day. I lost weight and felt good about myself. I had crazy amounts of energy. I felt like I had hit upon THE answer. I was even going to sleep and waking up at the same times every day - it was awesome. I made it through Halloween without even a taste of candy passing my lips. After a couple weeks, I was able to re-introduce breads and cereals into the kitchen (my step-daughter and two kids still ate these) and not be tempted. I felt like a super-woman.
Mid-December, I went through a rough patch. My husband was driving long-haul at the time and had been gone for months. My step-daughter went back to England, from whence she came. I hit a depression and started suffering migraines again. I was watching TV one day (something I had been trying to avoid until that day) - I remember exactly what I was watching (Call the Midwife on Netflix) and that it was a Saturday. It was just me and my two younger kids. I was sad, headachy, angry, discontented, unhappy, and in pain. I stood on the brink and made a choice, which I regret to this day. I ate some white bread left behind by my step-daughter. That was all the invitation THAT part of my brain needed. I was back on sugar and flour and all the other junk I had been avoiding.
Since that day, I have re-gained the lost weight plus some. I am back to daily headaches, low energy, feeling sad and depressed. My husband is back home (he didn't like being gone that much) and found a local job. My adult son moved in with us (and I'm happy to have him here!). Everything is good EXCEPT this daily battle with food. Since December, I have tried numerous times to get back to no sugar/no flour, because I felt good then. I would go a few days and then give in to the cravings.
Part of the difficulty now is that I no longer have complete control over the environment. When I ate this way before, I was able to remove all junk from the kitchen to get over the initial hump. I didn't have to have any internal battles because the junk WASN'T THERE. I could go into the kitchen and eat anything I wanted and still be true to my new way of eating. Now, though, both my son and my husband have their foods and beverages and I can't demand they not have them. My husband likes sugar in his coffee and bread and butter with his dinner. My son drinks endless cokes, and chocolate milk and brings home crackers and cookies.
However, I can do this. I am strong enough and capable enough. As I kept telling myself the first time around and I will remind myself this time around, I was able to quit smoking and that was hard. I can break this sugar addiction too.
So, here's to day 1 of 30 days of no sugar/no flour. Just to get me started. :)
It is now the beginning of 2014 and half a year since I last blogged. Since that time, I have changed jobs, moved to a new state, and gained another couple dozen pounds. I spent a lot of time in the last half year eating mindlessly. In fact, I think I ate more during that time than all the years prior. It was getting to the point, last fall, when I would go to bed with a stomachache and wake up with a stomachache and a headache. I felt awful all the time.
Right at the end of October 2013, I had had enough. I could not continue on feeling so bad all the time. I literally cleaned out my cupboards, threw away all sugar and flour filled foods and left myself with vegetables, meat, beans, rice and fruit. I ate that way until December 2013 and I was feeling very good during that time. I was exercising every day. I stopped feeling like I needed to eat every moment of every day. I lost weight and felt good about myself. I had crazy amounts of energy. I felt like I had hit upon THE answer. I was even going to sleep and waking up at the same times every day - it was awesome. I made it through Halloween without even a taste of candy passing my lips. After a couple weeks, I was able to re-introduce breads and cereals into the kitchen (my step-daughter and two kids still ate these) and not be tempted. I felt like a super-woman.
Mid-December, I went through a rough patch. My husband was driving long-haul at the time and had been gone for months. My step-daughter went back to England, from whence she came. I hit a depression and started suffering migraines again. I was watching TV one day (something I had been trying to avoid until that day) - I remember exactly what I was watching (Call the Midwife on Netflix) and that it was a Saturday. It was just me and my two younger kids. I was sad, headachy, angry, discontented, unhappy, and in pain. I stood on the brink and made a choice, which I regret to this day. I ate some white bread left behind by my step-daughter. That was all the invitation THAT part of my brain needed. I was back on sugar and flour and all the other junk I had been avoiding.
Since that day, I have re-gained the lost weight plus some. I am back to daily headaches, low energy, feeling sad and depressed. My husband is back home (he didn't like being gone that much) and found a local job. My adult son moved in with us (and I'm happy to have him here!). Everything is good EXCEPT this daily battle with food. Since December, I have tried numerous times to get back to no sugar/no flour, because I felt good then. I would go a few days and then give in to the cravings.
Part of the difficulty now is that I no longer have complete control over the environment. When I ate this way before, I was able to remove all junk from the kitchen to get over the initial hump. I didn't have to have any internal battles because the junk WASN'T THERE. I could go into the kitchen and eat anything I wanted and still be true to my new way of eating. Now, though, both my son and my husband have their foods and beverages and I can't demand they not have them. My husband likes sugar in his coffee and bread and butter with his dinner. My son drinks endless cokes, and chocolate milk and brings home crackers and cookies.
However, I can do this. I am strong enough and capable enough. As I kept telling myself the first time around and I will remind myself this time around, I was able to quit smoking and that was hard. I can break this sugar addiction too.
So, here's to day 1 of 30 days of no sugar/no flour. Just to get me started. :)
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig
So, I have this well-paved habit for myself. It starts with my morning, when I set my alarm for 6am and then snooze until 7:45am, which is the very latest I can possibly get up and still have time to brush my hair and make it to work on time. This is followed by 8.5 hours of practicing the art of ass-flattening and eye straining. I sit and I work on a computer or I sit at the kitchen table and eat my lunch, until it is finally time to go home. I also practice more ass flattening and frustration making as I drive home from work. Lots of ass flattening. I then get home and whaddyaknow.... more ass flattening.
You would think that after literally spending ALL day sitting, as soon as I was off work I would literally stand or walk my way through my evening and night, just to give my ass a break for a while. But, you would be wrong. My ass craves flattening, apparently. I get home and my entire body and mind are straining for the couch, like a dog on a leash going after a loose kitty. Or squirrel. So, it's home, stuff down, and ass plant on the couch where I can spend the next several hours watching mindless TV and eating.
There have been some improvements in the last few weeks. Some forcing of myself away from the TV, either to exercise or read or tidy up around the house. Even if just for a half hour or an hour, it is an improvement. Still, I wish I could rewrite my daily path. I guess I am working on rewriting it and I shouldn't expect change overnight and just give myself a break about it.
Tonight I desultorily exercised in front of the TV because I couldn't force myself away from the excitement that is prime time reality TV. It is just too stimulating. Either that or I just couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Or maybe I just need a break from my own thoughts, and TV certainly does that for me, for the most part. I'm not sure how, now that I think about it. Because, kidding aside, it really isn't very stimulating or engaging at all, so how does it work for escapism? Are there subliminal messages going on? Maybe some hypnotizing so actually I'm asleep but don't realize it?
Honestly, I don't know why TV works and it didn't used to. I have spend many of my adult years not having TV at all and not missing it. Strange that I am so addicted to watching it at the moment when this has not been a long-time habit. With that, you would think I'd have a lot easier time shutting it off. Maybe I'm really, really needing some easy distraction because I'm just that unhappy with my life, like way more than ever before. That thought is not joyful making.
I think I'll go brush my teeth.
You would think that after literally spending ALL day sitting, as soon as I was off work I would literally stand or walk my way through my evening and night, just to give my ass a break for a while. But, you would be wrong. My ass craves flattening, apparently. I get home and my entire body and mind are straining for the couch, like a dog on a leash going after a loose kitty. Or squirrel. So, it's home, stuff down, and ass plant on the couch where I can spend the next several hours watching mindless TV and eating.
There have been some improvements in the last few weeks. Some forcing of myself away from the TV, either to exercise or read or tidy up around the house. Even if just for a half hour or an hour, it is an improvement. Still, I wish I could rewrite my daily path. I guess I am working on rewriting it and I shouldn't expect change overnight and just give myself a break about it.
Tonight I desultorily exercised in front of the TV because I couldn't force myself away from the excitement that is prime time reality TV. It is just too stimulating. Either that or I just couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Or maybe I just need a break from my own thoughts, and TV certainly does that for me, for the most part. I'm not sure how, now that I think about it. Because, kidding aside, it really isn't very stimulating or engaging at all, so how does it work for escapism? Are there subliminal messages going on? Maybe some hypnotizing so actually I'm asleep but don't realize it?
Honestly, I don't know why TV works and it didn't used to. I have spend many of my adult years not having TV at all and not missing it. Strange that I am so addicted to watching it at the moment when this has not been a long-time habit. With that, you would think I'd have a lot easier time shutting it off. Maybe I'm really, really needing some easy distraction because I'm just that unhappy with my life, like way more than ever before. That thought is not joyful making.
I think I'll go brush my teeth.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
A Bullet is the Answer
After pondering my utter lack of will-power and inability to steer clear of the TV (while eating), I only have one option left: A bullet to the middle of the screen. If I only had a gun...
Today started out well enough. I ate some yogurt/granola/fruit mix for breakfast, a veggie/bean burrito for lunch and then made spaghetti for dinner with whole wheat noodles and ground turkey. The problem started (and ended) when I sat in front of the TV to eat my dinner. What followed was yet another practice in over-eating. Honestly, I always considered myself to be somewhat intelligent, but I truly have to question that assumption at this point. Now I sit, again, overfull and feeling rather gross and wondering why the hell I keep doing this to myself.
I even tried to walk it off. I walked for 2.5 miles, then did some meditation/yoga, before sitting down here. I still feel gross. In fact, now that I'm sitting, I feel double gross. I feel like I will never feel not-gross again. And given the fact I felt this way last night, it is no wonder that I assume this is how my evenings will go forever and ever, ad nauseum.
I had my mindful moment during yoga and also earlier on my walk.
Today was a little on the stressful side because I accompanied the VP on a training at one of our clients'. I had never been on a client visit so I wasn't too sure what to expect and spending a long time alone with upper management is a little nerve-wracking. We were literally in the car together for two hours, alone. And I tend to talk too much. I don't sit well with silence. So, I babbled and talked and pretty much told the VP way too much about myself and my husband. Like WAY too much. Now I'll be embarrassed whenever I see her in the office.
Anyway, otherwise work went okay. I kinda accidentally threw someone under the bus who didn't need to be thrown under the bus so that kinda sucked and I'm going to have to be a big girl and admit my mistake tomorrow, which double sucks...
Still, life is good, right? Right??
Today started out well enough. I ate some yogurt/granola/fruit mix for breakfast, a veggie/bean burrito for lunch and then made spaghetti for dinner with whole wheat noodles and ground turkey. The problem started (and ended) when I sat in front of the TV to eat my dinner. What followed was yet another practice in over-eating. Honestly, I always considered myself to be somewhat intelligent, but I truly have to question that assumption at this point. Now I sit, again, overfull and feeling rather gross and wondering why the hell I keep doing this to myself.
I even tried to walk it off. I walked for 2.5 miles, then did some meditation/yoga, before sitting down here. I still feel gross. In fact, now that I'm sitting, I feel double gross. I feel like I will never feel not-gross again. And given the fact I felt this way last night, it is no wonder that I assume this is how my evenings will go forever and ever, ad nauseum.
I had my mindful moment during yoga and also earlier on my walk.
Today was a little on the stressful side because I accompanied the VP on a training at one of our clients'. I had never been on a client visit so I wasn't too sure what to expect and spending a long time alone with upper management is a little nerve-wracking. We were literally in the car together for two hours, alone. And I tend to talk too much. I don't sit well with silence. So, I babbled and talked and pretty much told the VP way too much about myself and my husband. Like WAY too much. Now I'll be embarrassed whenever I see her in the office.
Anyway, otherwise work went okay. I kinda accidentally threw someone under the bus who didn't need to be thrown under the bus so that kinda sucked and I'm going to have to be a big girl and admit my mistake tomorrow, which double sucks...
Still, life is good, right? Right??
Monday, August 5, 2013
I Ate Too Much Candy
I'm allowed to eat candy, insofar as I don't ban myself from eating any food anymore. If I want to eat candy, I can, without feeling like a failure. If I want to eat cake, I can do that too. However, it is not cool when I eat to the point of feeling gross. That is not okay, because the whole purpose of this new practice of eating is to feel BETTER, not WORSE. And the huge surprise of the day: My over-consumption of candy occurred while watching TV. I know, astonishing. The last time I overate - Friday - was while watching a movie. Saturday and Sunday I refused to allow myself to watch TV (or a movie) and guess what? No overeating. I may not be the brightest star in the universe, but even I can detect the correlation. (Not that I didn't know this before, but it's good to be reminded.)
I was planning on getting up early this morning, but it didn't happen. I did, however, get to work on time and worked the entire day without problem. Tomorrow I do have to get up early because I'll be joining the VP on an office visit and I have to meet her before 8am. That means I have to be on the road before 7am. Ugh! It's going to be hard going. I'm just so not a morning person. (And that's okay, because I accept myself for who I am.) I have a plan in place though. I'm going to get in bed before 9pm and lights out by 10pm. I even took half a sleeping pill to help (because I know whenever I have to get up early, that's when I can't sleep because I'm all freaked out worrying that I won't get enough sleep).
I tried doing a Yoga practice this evening, but my stomach was overfull :(. It was just too distracting. I honestly can't believe how uncomfortable I feel right now. I think because when I overeat, I tend to continue to watch TV and so I'm not as aware of how I feel. Tonight, however, I turned off the TV after watching one show and was instantly aware of feeling bad. Now I'm sitting here typing this and I swear it feels like a swallowed a balloon and it is expanding with every breath I take, that's how full I feel.
But, done and over and on to other things.
I didn't have a mindful moment today. Hmmm...I guess I still need to practice that. Or maybe I did have a mindful moment, since I became aware of how full my stomach feels. I can probably count that as a mindful moment.
I feel grateful today that I have a good job. Even though I don't always want to go, I am lucky in that it is something I am good at, I get paid a decent wage, and I work with pretty good people. Not perfect, but then neither am I. In fact, it would be hard to work with perfect people, not to mention downright impossible since no one can be perfect. I also have good work hours and I'm able to come home every night to make dinner and spend time with the kids. It's a good life.
I was planning on getting up early this morning, but it didn't happen. I did, however, get to work on time and worked the entire day without problem. Tomorrow I do have to get up early because I'll be joining the VP on an office visit and I have to meet her before 8am. That means I have to be on the road before 7am. Ugh! It's going to be hard going. I'm just so not a morning person. (And that's okay, because I accept myself for who I am.) I have a plan in place though. I'm going to get in bed before 9pm and lights out by 10pm. I even took half a sleeping pill to help (because I know whenever I have to get up early, that's when I can't sleep because I'm all freaked out worrying that I won't get enough sleep).
I tried doing a Yoga practice this evening, but my stomach was overfull :(. It was just too distracting. I honestly can't believe how uncomfortable I feel right now. I think because when I overeat, I tend to continue to watch TV and so I'm not as aware of how I feel. Tonight, however, I turned off the TV after watching one show and was instantly aware of feeling bad. Now I'm sitting here typing this and I swear it feels like a swallowed a balloon and it is expanding with every breath I take, that's how full I feel.
But, done and over and on to other things.
I didn't have a mindful moment today. Hmmm...I guess I still need to practice that. Or maybe I did have a mindful moment, since I became aware of how full my stomach feels. I can probably count that as a mindful moment.
I feel grateful today that I have a good job. Even though I don't always want to go, I am lucky in that it is something I am good at, I get paid a decent wage, and I work with pretty good people. Not perfect, but then neither am I. In fact, it would be hard to work with perfect people, not to mention downright impossible since no one can be perfect. I also have good work hours and I'm able to come home every night to make dinner and spend time with the kids. It's a good life.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Goal Met
With my extra day, I was able to achieve my goal, exercising a total of 520 minutes. Today I went for a long walk while I talked to my mom on my cell. We don't generally have a close relationship, but I try to improve that as much as I can, when I can. I like to spend my walks catching up with my family.
I am creating a new weekly tradition of having the kids create a menu for Sunday night dinner and then I help them make it. We're choosing recipes and ideas from a kids' healthy cookbook so the meals are easy and fun to make, while also being healthy. Tonight it was whole wheat personal pizzas, salad, a rice and veggie side and fruit and yogurt parfait for dessert. It's actually surprisingly fun and I feel good that I'm teaching my kids some important life skills. Plus, it's all super tasty. We start early so I'm able to get the mess cleaned up fairly early and then enjoy my Sunday evening. Tonight I read a bit on my kindle outside while the kids rode their bikes up and down the street. We're fortunate to live on a cul-de-sac in a residential area thick with families with young kids so I feel pretty comfortable letting them ride their bikes out front (although no unsupervised, of course). Their friends from the house behind us joined them, but then that became a PITA because the youngest was riding a scooter that had a mind of its own and didn't go very fast so that she was constantly left far behind, which was a cause for tears and upset and I finally told everyone it was time to go in.
My day has been otherwise pretty chill. I did some grocery shopping, tidying, laundry. The usual stuff. I plan to be in bed by 9:30 and lights out by 10:30. I got up pretty late this morning so it might be hard to get to sleep, but I'll make a go of it anyway and hope for the best.
I am creating a new weekly tradition of having the kids create a menu for Sunday night dinner and then I help them make it. We're choosing recipes and ideas from a kids' healthy cookbook so the meals are easy and fun to make, while also being healthy. Tonight it was whole wheat personal pizzas, salad, a rice and veggie side and fruit and yogurt parfait for dessert. It's actually surprisingly fun and I feel good that I'm teaching my kids some important life skills. Plus, it's all super tasty. We start early so I'm able to get the mess cleaned up fairly early and then enjoy my Sunday evening. Tonight I read a bit on my kindle outside while the kids rode their bikes up and down the street. We're fortunate to live on a cul-de-sac in a residential area thick with families with young kids so I feel pretty comfortable letting them ride their bikes out front (although no unsupervised, of course). Their friends from the house behind us joined them, but then that became a PITA because the youngest was riding a scooter that had a mind of its own and didn't go very fast so that she was constantly left far behind, which was a cause for tears and upset and I finally told everyone it was time to go in.
My day has been otherwise pretty chill. I did some grocery shopping, tidying, laundry. The usual stuff. I plan to be in bed by 9:30 and lights out by 10:30. I got up pretty late this morning so it might be hard to get to sleep, but I'll make a go of it anyway and hope for the best.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
One More Day
Today is my goal day. Two weeks ago, I set myself a goal of working out for 500 minutes by today. I've decided to give myself another day to make my goal. I've done really well and I'm at 470 minutes, which is awesome. I have worked out most days, some for more than the 35 minutes I needed to average each day to make goal, and some for less than the 35 minutes, and a few days when I didn't work out at all. Obviously, on the days I worked out for less, or didn't at all, weren't quite made up for on the days when I worked out longer. But, all in all I'm quite happy with my progress. I'm good with adding another day to the goal and not feeling like I somehow failed. I didn't fail; not by a long shot. I went from exercising one or two days per week to exercising nearly every day. And from exercising for maybe 20 minutes at a time to as long as an hour and ten minutes. The real goal was to increase my exercise and I did that.
Feeling accepting toward myself is still a struggle, as is not dieting. I went online this morning to look at new diets after a rather excessive eat-fest last night, but then I got ahold of myself. It is precisely the restrictive diets that I've found online or in commercials over the last 20 years that have formed my current relationship with food and I'm super determined to change the radio station. This might mean some additional weight gain to get there. While I don't relish the idea of gaining weight, and it seems counterproductive to being more healthy, I honestly feel like if I just stick it out and continue going as I am, then I will start to truly recover from my food issues. Restricting food is not going to help me. I really, really don't want to gain more weight - I don't like how I feel when I'm heavier; I'm having a harder and harder time trying to find clothes that fit; and I'm embarrassed about my weight when I'm in public. However, it just might be what I have to do to get to where I really want to go. Sounds crazy, but it's the one thing I haven't tried.
It other news, I am saying no to television this weekend. I spend way too much time mindlessly watching crap and I think I can find much better ways to spend my time. You get out of life what you put in and if I put in a lot of mindless TV watching, then I'm going to get out a lot of nothing. So, off with the TV and on with more productive ways to spend my time. I'm also going to be working on creating an awesome Monday morning, something to actually look forward to. I'm still working on that but I'll come up with something.
Feeling accepting toward myself is still a struggle, as is not dieting. I went online this morning to look at new diets after a rather excessive eat-fest last night, but then I got ahold of myself. It is precisely the restrictive diets that I've found online or in commercials over the last 20 years that have formed my current relationship with food and I'm super determined to change the radio station. This might mean some additional weight gain to get there. While I don't relish the idea of gaining weight, and it seems counterproductive to being more healthy, I honestly feel like if I just stick it out and continue going as I am, then I will start to truly recover from my food issues. Restricting food is not going to help me. I really, really don't want to gain more weight - I don't like how I feel when I'm heavier; I'm having a harder and harder time trying to find clothes that fit; and I'm embarrassed about my weight when I'm in public. However, it just might be what I have to do to get to where I really want to go. Sounds crazy, but it's the one thing I haven't tried.
It other news, I am saying no to television this weekend. I spend way too much time mindlessly watching crap and I think I can find much better ways to spend my time. You get out of life what you put in and if I put in a lot of mindless TV watching, then I'm going to get out a lot of nothing. So, off with the TV and on with more productive ways to spend my time. I'm also going to be working on creating an awesome Monday morning, something to actually look forward to. I'm still working on that but I'll come up with something.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Yoga Day 2
I did Yoga again today, this time from a book I've had for a few weeks that shows some of the easier poses. This way I can take my time to try to twist my body into something resembling the picture and then hold it for a few seconds. My back hurts. It's way harder than it looks. My muscles were burning and shaking on some of the poses. Others, it just hurt to position myself that way. Still others were fine. I don't like the human pretzel poses but I do like the balancing poses, because it feels a little like a game, like we would play when we were kids on the school ground. (I don't know who I am referring to in the "we.")
As part of my trying to enjoy life more, which includes adding laughter to my life, I've been listening to an Ellen DeGeneres audio book on my drives to and fro work, and it is laugh-out-loud funny. I really don't want to re-tell some of her jokes on here, because I don't have comedic timing and you wouldn't enjoy it without actually listening to her tell it, but this is a type of therapy I can enjoy.
So, since I don't tend to feel like doing anything, and I honestly believe that I need to put in more of what I want out of life, I'm going to break my blog down a bit. So, here's how I want to do it:
1. My Mindful Moment: Today I had a mindful moment when I was driving home and I noticed how the grass went from really green to really brown in just a few yards. I stopped thinking about other stuff and just noticed the grass, for a moment.
2. My Do It Anyway Moment: I stopped by the store and got milk even though I really didn't want to. (Okay, I had the added motivation of also getting brownie mix, but still.)
3. My Exercise Minutes (because I want to do more than a moment): Yoga (see above) I also plan on a short walk this evening (after the brownies because THAT will work off those calories).
4. My I Like Myself Moment: I received a rather snooty email from a coworker and rather than respond to it equally snooty, I just responded by saying thank you, quite nicely.
So that's it. Those are my moments (and minutes). Incidentally, I'm up to 385 minutes toward my 500 minutes of exercise goal. A bit short of the mark for my average daily, but well within shooting distance to reach my goal of 500 minutes on Saturday.
As part of my trying to enjoy life more, which includes adding laughter to my life, I've been listening to an Ellen DeGeneres audio book on my drives to and fro work, and it is laugh-out-loud funny. I really don't want to re-tell some of her jokes on here, because I don't have comedic timing and you wouldn't enjoy it without actually listening to her tell it, but this is a type of therapy I can enjoy.
So, since I don't tend to feel like doing anything, and I honestly believe that I need to put in more of what I want out of life, I'm going to break my blog down a bit. So, here's how I want to do it:
1. My Mindful Moment: Today I had a mindful moment when I was driving home and I noticed how the grass went from really green to really brown in just a few yards. I stopped thinking about other stuff and just noticed the grass, for a moment.
2. My Do It Anyway Moment: I stopped by the store and got milk even though I really didn't want to. (Okay, I had the added motivation of also getting brownie mix, but still.)
3. My Exercise Minutes (because I want to do more than a moment): Yoga (see above) I also plan on a short walk this evening (after the brownies because THAT will work off those calories).
4. My I Like Myself Moment: I received a rather snooty email from a coworker and rather than respond to it equally snooty, I just responded by saying thank you, quite nicely.
So that's it. Those are my moments (and minutes). Incidentally, I'm up to 385 minutes toward my 500 minutes of exercise goal. A bit short of the mark for my average daily, but well within shooting distance to reach my goal of 500 minutes on Saturday.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
What Will Be Different Tomorrow?
I spend a lot of my life thinking, "I'll start this tomorrow" or "I'll do this tomorrow" or next week or next month or next Monday, etc. I often procrastinate doing something now because I don't feel like doing it. Either I'm tired or moody or feeling down or stressed from my day. I'm out of discipline, drive, energy, focus, etc. Somehow I magically think that tomorrow or the next day or next week or at some point in the near future, I will magically wake up energized and enthused and wanting to whatever hard task I want to get done. This is anywhere from finishing a cleaning project to exercising and eating a healthy diet. I will be sitting on the couch watching TV, knowing I should get up and go tidy the kitchen or make a nutritious meal or clean the bathroom or work on my book, but I just don't feel like doing it at that moment.
Today, I already blogged about sleeping in late and being lazy and unmotivated for the last couple days. I have been dragging around this listless person who really doesn't want to do anything. Not even the activities I normally enjoy, such as reading and writing or working on an art project. Nothing sounds appealing or enjoyable.
I have had a yoga/mindfulness CD for the past couple weeks that I hadn't even listened to yet. I finally popped that in this afternoon and did Part 1 of the yoga practice, which was 45 minutes in length. First, I wanted to stop it before it was done because I was feeling bored and restless, but I wouldn't let myself. I was going to do the entire 45 minute practice, no matter what. And it wasn't difficult; in fact it was a very easy practice. There were only a couple poses that had my muscles shaking with the effort. It was a lot of sitting with the breath and just being in the moment.
When it was over, I was so happy with myself for having done it, because I honestly hadn't felt like doing it. I hadn't been in the mood or motivated at all. I only did it out of sheer willpower to not completely waste the day as I had yesterday. And I was proud for having accomplished something.
Then it struck me, I will never feel like doing whatever it is I want to do. I will feel tomorrow exactly how I feel today. I will feel as tired and unmotivated as I do right now. There is no difference between today and tomorrow in my level of energy and motivation. I keep thinking somehow I will get the energy and motivation, just wake up with it, but it just doesn't work that way. Whatever you put in, you get out. So, if I'm putting in no energy into my life, I'm not going to get any out. If I put no discipline in my life, I'm not going to be disciplined. If I'm not motivating myself, I'm not going to be motivated. If I'm lazy, then I will feel lazy. If I'm unmotivated, I will feel unmotivated. If I think negatively, I will feel negatively. Momentum isn't self-creating. It takes external force to create momentum, and I am the only one who can provide myself that external force.
If I want to accomplish anything, I have to do. Reading is not doing. Thinking about it is not doing. Planning to do it is not doing. I have to actual do the thing, no matter how I feel.
Today, I already blogged about sleeping in late and being lazy and unmotivated for the last couple days. I have been dragging around this listless person who really doesn't want to do anything. Not even the activities I normally enjoy, such as reading and writing or working on an art project. Nothing sounds appealing or enjoyable.
I have had a yoga/mindfulness CD for the past couple weeks that I hadn't even listened to yet. I finally popped that in this afternoon and did Part 1 of the yoga practice, which was 45 minutes in length. First, I wanted to stop it before it was done because I was feeling bored and restless, but I wouldn't let myself. I was going to do the entire 45 minute practice, no matter what. And it wasn't difficult; in fact it was a very easy practice. There were only a couple poses that had my muscles shaking with the effort. It was a lot of sitting with the breath and just being in the moment.
When it was over, I was so happy with myself for having done it, because I honestly hadn't felt like doing it. I hadn't been in the mood or motivated at all. I only did it out of sheer willpower to not completely waste the day as I had yesterday. And I was proud for having accomplished something.
Then it struck me, I will never feel like doing whatever it is I want to do. I will feel tomorrow exactly how I feel today. I will feel as tired and unmotivated as I do right now. There is no difference between today and tomorrow in my level of energy and motivation. I keep thinking somehow I will get the energy and motivation, just wake up with it, but it just doesn't work that way. Whatever you put in, you get out. So, if I'm putting in no energy into my life, I'm not going to get any out. If I put no discipline in my life, I'm not going to be disciplined. If I'm not motivating myself, I'm not going to be motivated. If I'm lazy, then I will feel lazy. If I'm unmotivated, I will feel unmotivated. If I think negatively, I will feel negatively. Momentum isn't self-creating. It takes external force to create momentum, and I am the only one who can provide myself that external force.
If I want to accomplish anything, I have to do. Reading is not doing. Thinking about it is not doing. Planning to do it is not doing. I have to actual do the thing, no matter how I feel.
Practicing can be hard
So, yesterday I had to go to Urgent Care in the morning for a suspected UTI. I don't have insurance so that was a costly endeavor but needs must. I asked the doctor to take me off work for a couple days to allow time for the antibiotics to reduce the symptoms, which he agreed. Honestly, I didn't need the time off from work because the symptoms were uncomfortable, not painful. I could easily have worked through them, but I didn't want to go to work full stop. So, I asked for the time off and was granted the time off. It was a relief to not have to go to work. However, I know that I should be at work for multiple reasons: 1. I need to be earning income; 2. It is a new job and missing so much work isn't going to reflect well on me, and may even cause me to lose the job altogether; 3. All I did spending the day at home was to watching endless tv and eat, which is exactly what I don't want to be doing.
This morning, I didn't finally get out of bed until 11 am. I woke up numerous times between 7 and 11, I just kept allowing myself to go back to sleep because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. It isn't unusual for me to not want to get out of bed, but I tend to not allow myself to stay in bed past 9am, just because I don't like how I feel if I stay in bed too long. Plus, I used to really struggle against sleeping through until late morning or early afternoon and it took me a long time to break that habit. I don't like to get up after 8am, really, but I don't freak at 9am. At 11am, I feel a little freaked about.
So, basically I'm eating badly (insofar as I'm eating things that don't make me feel energized and healthy); I'm sleeping too much; I'm not being productive; I'm losing money; and I'm jeopardizing a new job. The trick is not to berate or badger myself about it, to accept the current reality, and move on from it. Every moment offers a choice and I can choose to continue as I have (such as go into the living room and turn on the tv and spend the rest of the day there) or I can do something different, like maybe tidy up the kitchen or work on my book.
This morning, I didn't finally get out of bed until 11 am. I woke up numerous times between 7 and 11, I just kept allowing myself to go back to sleep because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. It isn't unusual for me to not want to get out of bed, but I tend to not allow myself to stay in bed past 9am, just because I don't like how I feel if I stay in bed too long. Plus, I used to really struggle against sleeping through until late morning or early afternoon and it took me a long time to break that habit. I don't like to get up after 8am, really, but I don't freak at 9am. At 11am, I feel a little freaked about.
So, basically I'm eating badly (insofar as I'm eating things that don't make me feel energized and healthy); I'm sleeping too much; I'm not being productive; I'm losing money; and I'm jeopardizing a new job. The trick is not to berate or badger myself about it, to accept the current reality, and move on from it. Every moment offers a choice and I can choose to continue as I have (such as go into the living room and turn on the tv and spend the rest of the day there) or I can do something different, like maybe tidy up the kitchen or work on my book.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Migraines
I have suffered from chronic migraines since I was in high school, although they weren't finally diagnosed as such until a few years ago. I'm usually fine because I have imitrex to take at the onset of a migraine and the head pain magically disappears. On occasion, I would need to take a second imitrex the following day or would have to take two in one day to kill a particularly severe migraine. Generally, however, when I get a migraine about once a week, I take an imitrex and that is that.
Prior to the diagnosis and prescription of imitrex, my life was somewhat ruled by my headaches. I was taking OTC pain relievers almost daily because once the headache would start, I could only minimize the pain as much as possible until it finally self-resolved days later. Since I would get a headache about once a week, it meant that most days I was managing pain. When they got particularly bad, I would go to the doctor where I would be diagnosed with sinusitis and given a prescription for codeine or vicodin. I would take sinus headache relievers and the codeine or vicodin to try to manage my pain. This is how I spent most of my 20s and 30s.
Since finding the magic pill, I really haven't had to worry too much about pain management in terms of my headaches. Until now. Since I changed jobs a couple months ago, I don't currently have medical insurance. The imitrex costs $300 without insurance, for 9 pills. And that's the generic version! Unfortunately, although I do have a refill on my imitrex, I don't have $300 since my husband still hasn't received his first paycheck. I'm playing catch-up on my car payment and I was finally able to get some groceries into the house on my last paycheck, but there certainly isn't a spare $300 for my imitrex.
I currently have a headache, although it isn't yet bad. I know my triggers (lack of sleep, weather changes, hormonal changes, skipping meals) and this time it's hormonal so not much I can do about it. It isn't bad right now, but I know it can get bad over time. Usually my headaches start out fairly mild for the first day, with increased pain the second day to nearly intolerable pain by the third day. I'm worried, but all I can do is try to take care of myself the best I can and not overdo the OTC medication. Too much OTC medication can actually have the reverse effect, significantly increasing headache pain by causing a rebound headache.
Anyway, that's where my head is today. I'm not struggling too much with NOT thinking about food because I'm thinking about my headache (although I have looked up which foods to eat and which to avoid for migraines :)
Exercise will have to be light since migraines are worsened with exertion. Hoping it isn't going to be a difficult day.
Prior to the diagnosis and prescription of imitrex, my life was somewhat ruled by my headaches. I was taking OTC pain relievers almost daily because once the headache would start, I could only minimize the pain as much as possible until it finally self-resolved days later. Since I would get a headache about once a week, it meant that most days I was managing pain. When they got particularly bad, I would go to the doctor where I would be diagnosed with sinusitis and given a prescription for codeine or vicodin. I would take sinus headache relievers and the codeine or vicodin to try to manage my pain. This is how I spent most of my 20s and 30s.
Since finding the magic pill, I really haven't had to worry too much about pain management in terms of my headaches. Until now. Since I changed jobs a couple months ago, I don't currently have medical insurance. The imitrex costs $300 without insurance, for 9 pills. And that's the generic version! Unfortunately, although I do have a refill on my imitrex, I don't have $300 since my husband still hasn't received his first paycheck. I'm playing catch-up on my car payment and I was finally able to get some groceries into the house on my last paycheck, but there certainly isn't a spare $300 for my imitrex.
I currently have a headache, although it isn't yet bad. I know my triggers (lack of sleep, weather changes, hormonal changes, skipping meals) and this time it's hormonal so not much I can do about it. It isn't bad right now, but I know it can get bad over time. Usually my headaches start out fairly mild for the first day, with increased pain the second day to nearly intolerable pain by the third day. I'm worried, but all I can do is try to take care of myself the best I can and not overdo the OTC medication. Too much OTC medication can actually have the reverse effect, significantly increasing headache pain by causing a rebound headache.
Anyway, that's where my head is today. I'm not struggling too much with NOT thinking about food because I'm thinking about my headache (although I have looked up which foods to eat and which to avoid for migraines :)
Exercise will have to be light since migraines are worsened with exertion. Hoping it isn't going to be a difficult day.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
A Re-vamp
I've decided that I'm tired of the merry-go-round. I'm tired of trying to eat well and lose weight and then feeling disappointed when I over-eat and gain weight instead. I'm tired of feeling let down by myself; of having no faith in myself; and in the continuous barrage of "why can't I... why don't I... what can I do?..." I've asked myself so many times "what next? what will work?" that it is like a mantra. I'm not even entirely conscious any more of these questions, they happen so frequently.
It has to stop, because honestly this is now how I want to spend the rest of my life and that is where I am headed. I always think about my grandma in times like this - she struggled with her weight her entire life. She was easily 100 pounds overweight as long as I had known her, even though she was *always* on a diet. When she was in her 70s she suffered a major heart attack and ended up in rehab for months. The thing I always remember about that is when she finally recovered her cognition, the thing she kept saying was how she had finally lost weight while she was too sick to eat. She was so happy to have lost that weight!! She dieted up until the day of her death, always dissatisfied she herself. She always talked down about herself, never believing that she was worthwhile or smart or interesting or someone other people would want to be around. She always acted like she was an imposition on everyone around her, just for being alive. This is not how I want to feel about myself!
I have been reading the self-compassion diet book and on the one hand it does seem different to other diet books, but on the other, it is exactly the same. Do this and you will lose weight. Follow these recommendations and the weight will melt off by itself.
I have spent so much of my life thinking about food and diet and calories in and calories out and fat and eat this but don't eat that. My weight has gone up and down and up and down so that I always have at least 10 different sizes in my closet. I am either happy with myself because I'm sticking to whatever plan I have going at the moment, or I'm miserably stuffing my face every evening and then castrating myself the next morning for being so weak and pathetic.
I want off this ride!!!
So, that's why I've decided that I'm just done. I will continue to work on getting fit and I will continue to work being more accepting of myself. I will still strive for being healthy and eating healthy foods. But, I'm done dieting. I'm not going to diet or count calories or read weight loss books again. I'm done.
It has to stop, because honestly this is now how I want to spend the rest of my life and that is where I am headed. I always think about my grandma in times like this - she struggled with her weight her entire life. She was easily 100 pounds overweight as long as I had known her, even though she was *always* on a diet. When she was in her 70s she suffered a major heart attack and ended up in rehab for months. The thing I always remember about that is when she finally recovered her cognition, the thing she kept saying was how she had finally lost weight while she was too sick to eat. She was so happy to have lost that weight!! She dieted up until the day of her death, always dissatisfied she herself. She always talked down about herself, never believing that she was worthwhile or smart or interesting or someone other people would want to be around. She always acted like she was an imposition on everyone around her, just for being alive. This is not how I want to feel about myself!
I have been reading the self-compassion diet book and on the one hand it does seem different to other diet books, but on the other, it is exactly the same. Do this and you will lose weight. Follow these recommendations and the weight will melt off by itself.
I have spent so much of my life thinking about food and diet and calories in and calories out and fat and eat this but don't eat that. My weight has gone up and down and up and down so that I always have at least 10 different sizes in my closet. I am either happy with myself because I'm sticking to whatever plan I have going at the moment, or I'm miserably stuffing my face every evening and then castrating myself the next morning for being so weak and pathetic.
I want off this ride!!!
So, that's why I've decided that I'm just done. I will continue to work on getting fit and I will continue to work being more accepting of myself. I will still strive for being healthy and eating healthy foods. But, I'm done dieting. I'm not going to diet or count calories or read weight loss books again. I'm done.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Eating - And Eating Some More
I can honestly say that I have been sticking to my goal of exercising every day. I am up to 150 minutes toward my goal! I feel good about that.
On the other hand, my eating... I did well for two 'whole' days and then for the past two days... Not that I want to label my days "good" or "bad" based on my eating, but I would like to be able to say that I'm not binge eating. And while I'm not binge eating as badly as I used to binge eat, I'm still eating more than I need to eat. KNOWINGLY eating more than I need to eat. I'm full, recognize I'm full, and still I eat.
Sometimes, like right now, I feel like it won't matter how many books I read or how much I meditate or exercise or try to 'fix' myself, I will never be free of this demon.
I wish I didn't feel this way about myself.
Still, I have to shake myself out of this self-pity party. There's nothing for me to 'fix' and thinking that way only leads to more over-eating. I am working on being gentler and more compassionate with myself. For instance, maybe I did eat more than I needed to eat, but it happens and it's already in the past and I can just move on and strive to do better right now and tomorrow. At least I stopped and didn't continue. At least I'm eating less than I had before. At least I recognize when I am doing it and not eating mindlessly. Based on what I've read, this acknowledgement is considered part of the planning to make a change. Like change happens in steps and if you take the time and allow yourself to go through the steps, if you just have patience that you will get to the other side, then the change will happen. Forcing change too soon can cause a backfire (apparently). I've spent 20 years creating the neural paths that lead me to overeat, so give myself a break in making new neural paths. It isn't easy.
On the other hand, my eating... I did well for two 'whole' days and then for the past two days... Not that I want to label my days "good" or "bad" based on my eating, but I would like to be able to say that I'm not binge eating. And while I'm not binge eating as badly as I used to binge eat, I'm still eating more than I need to eat. KNOWINGLY eating more than I need to eat. I'm full, recognize I'm full, and still I eat.
Sometimes, like right now, I feel like it won't matter how many books I read or how much I meditate or exercise or try to 'fix' myself, I will never be free of this demon.
I wish I didn't feel this way about myself.
Still, I have to shake myself out of this self-pity party. There's nothing for me to 'fix' and thinking that way only leads to more over-eating. I am working on being gentler and more compassionate with myself. For instance, maybe I did eat more than I needed to eat, but it happens and it's already in the past and I can just move on and strive to do better right now and tomorrow. At least I stopped and didn't continue. At least I'm eating less than I had before. At least I recognize when I am doing it and not eating mindlessly. Based on what I've read, this acknowledgement is considered part of the planning to make a change. Like change happens in steps and if you take the time and allow yourself to go through the steps, if you just have patience that you will get to the other side, then the change will happen. Forcing change too soon can cause a backfire (apparently). I've spent 20 years creating the neural paths that lead me to overeat, so give myself a break in making new neural paths. It isn't easy.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sunday Blues
My Sunday blues start pretty much first thing in the morning, which totally sucks because that means I spend half my weekend being blue-y. I want to enjoy my weekends, not feel all downcast and dreading the next day. Well, something to work at.
Today was chill (mostly because I have absolutely no money and it was boiling hot outside). I watched The Host, which was eh, especially as I had already read the book. I did some housecleaning (fun stuff) and read the book I've been writing, which is about 1/3 complete. It's not bad. Obvious things to fix but the plot itself is fine. Just minor wording changes and a couple scenes to alter to be a little more realistic. My heroine is a bit of a drama queen and I want to scale that back just a tiny bit. Especially when she's around a certain guy at work. Otherwise she will seem 14 instead of 34.
Anyway, so now it's Sunday evening and I'm not sure what to do with myself for the next couple hours. I really don't feel like reading anymore. And I'm still trying to think of the next scene for my book. I guess I could meditate for a bit. I already did my exercises (yay me!) for 35 minutes. I'm now up to 115 minutes, woohoo! Doing good there.
Still practicing my mindful eating, for the most part. I did eat some popcorn while I was in front of the TV, both last night and today, but otherwise I've been paying attention to my food. I had cottage cheese for breakfast, which was too salty. That's all I could taste, was the salt I put on it. So, a little lighter on the salt next time. I wonder if I tend to over-salt and over-sweeten things and didn't even realize it.
Lunch was a small serving of pasta and cheese. It was okay. Frozen stuff so not great. Passable if that's all there is to eat (which was not far off from reality). I had the popcorn for a snack and for dinner I've made spaghetti. (I know, more pasta! But lots of veggies and ground turkey in it, so not unhealthy and the pasta is wheat.) I had to make dinner early because hubby is working a night case at the moment, so I wanted to have it done before he left.
I think I'm really thirsty and I've been bad with the water intake today, so I'm going to try to drink a gallon of it before I eat dinner.
And that's all I've got.
Today was chill (mostly because I have absolutely no money and it was boiling hot outside). I watched The Host, which was eh, especially as I had already read the book. I did some housecleaning (fun stuff) and read the book I've been writing, which is about 1/3 complete. It's not bad. Obvious things to fix but the plot itself is fine. Just minor wording changes and a couple scenes to alter to be a little more realistic. My heroine is a bit of a drama queen and I want to scale that back just a tiny bit. Especially when she's around a certain guy at work. Otherwise she will seem 14 instead of 34.
Anyway, so now it's Sunday evening and I'm not sure what to do with myself for the next couple hours. I really don't feel like reading anymore. And I'm still trying to think of the next scene for my book. I guess I could meditate for a bit. I already did my exercises (yay me!) for 35 minutes. I'm now up to 115 minutes, woohoo! Doing good there.
Still practicing my mindful eating, for the most part. I did eat some popcorn while I was in front of the TV, both last night and today, but otherwise I've been paying attention to my food. I had cottage cheese for breakfast, which was too salty. That's all I could taste, was the salt I put on it. So, a little lighter on the salt next time. I wonder if I tend to over-salt and over-sweeten things and didn't even realize it.
Lunch was a small serving of pasta and cheese. It was okay. Frozen stuff so not great. Passable if that's all there is to eat (which was not far off from reality). I had the popcorn for a snack and for dinner I've made spaghetti. (I know, more pasta! But lots of veggies and ground turkey in it, so not unhealthy and the pasta is wheat.) I had to make dinner early because hubby is working a night case at the moment, so I wanted to have it done before he left.
I think I'm really thirsty and I've been bad with the water intake today, so I'm going to try to drink a gallon of it before I eat dinner.
And that's all I've got.
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